Touhou reacts to Red vs Blue (Hiatus)
by Rosewood Reaper
Summary: Yukari is bored, so everyone has to watch RvB. Read how the inhabitants of Gensokyo react to the adventures of the Blood Gulch crew. Now with side stories (Chapter 19 onward). (Currently on hiatus, since I just don't have the time for writing)
1. S1E1 - Why are we here?

Gensokyo. The Land of Illusions. Home and sanctuary for any supernatural being one can think of, reaching from cute fairies to ancient gods.

And one shrine maiden.

One shrine maiden who's presently pissed of.

VERY pissed of.

"Fuck that damn gap hag!" Reimu Hakurei cursed , slamming her tea cup on the table.

Marisa Kirisame and Alice Margatroid, who were just about to inviting themselves into her humble shrine for an impromptu visit, stopped dead in their tracks.

If there would be a book about basic rules of surviving in Gensokyo, three things would be at the top of the list:

* * *

1\. If Yukari Yakumo is bored, run.

2\. If Flandre Scarlet is bored, pray.

3\. If Reimu Hakurei is pissed, run AND pray.

* * *

Judging by Reimu's behaviour, 1. and 3. are in session right now. Which doesn't bode well for anyone in a 10 mile radius.

Realizing that the shrine maiden already took notice of them and escape was therefore not an option any more, they reluctantly accepted their fate.

"What did she do this time?" asked Alice, carefully walking to the opposite side of the table with Marisa close behind her, ready to use her fellow magic user as a living meat shield if shit hits the fan.

Wordlessly Reimu hold up a folded piece of paper.

Alice sat down and took it out of her hand, opening it while Marisa looked over her shoulder.

_Dear Reimu,_

_I noticed that you were pretty stressed of lately, so I took the initiative and placed a little present in the main hall of your little shrine._

Raising their heads, they noticed several half unwrapped boxes at the corner of the room.

_They contain a TV and several DVD's from the Outside World. The show was one I enjoyed greatly, and I'm sure it will help you to wind down as well._

_Love, Yukari _

The dot on the 'i' was replaced with a heart, despite her name being written in kanji - it's Yukari Yakumo, don't question it.

"So what's the big deal?" asked Marisa in confusion. "Yukari gave you a gift and you flip out? Ok, it's unusual from her to actually be nice, but..."

"Look at the back side," countered Reimu, looking at her tiredly.

_PS: I stole your donation box, I'll return it after you watched ALL seasons._

"... Yeah, that sounds more like her," the witch relented.

"Damn her, the only reason I'm so stressed is because I have to solve one incident after another for her," complained the armpit-flaunting priestess, her head resting in the palms of her hand.

"Look at the positive side, as long as she wants you to watch this... DVD's, she'll probably leave you alone," tried Alice to comfort Reimu.

Marisa meanwhile was searching through the boxes.

"I have seen this stuff at Rinnosuke's shop once, no idea how they work through."

She lifted one of the cases up in the air.

"**Red vs. Blue?"**

"The only one who knows how those stupid things function is that naive airhead at the Moryia Shrine and I'm not going to ask her for hel...," Reimu started, when suddenly a gap with multiple eyes opened above her and said naive airhead (also known as Sanae Kochiya) dropped out and crashed into Reimu.

As the hole in reality closed again, Marisa and Alice could only stare at the two shrine maidens, who (unintentionally) got very intimidate which each other. With Reimu getting a close view of Sanae's... assets, which in turn tried their best to suffocate her.

While this normally would only count as a minor mishap between two girls at worst, this situation was anything but normal.

Mainly because Sanae was soaking wet... and since her towel opened during her descent, also currently naked.

* * *

\- Half an hour later -

After the unavoidable freak-out, an explanation and a fresh set of clothes (courtesy of Reimu), everyone agreed to help the distressed priestess out. They thought it would be in their own interest to try and calm her down before she starts an incident all on her own.

Reimu was just happy that she didn't have to suffer alone.

While Sanae was arranging the TV (and preventing Marisa from taking off with some of the goods), Reimu and Alice prepared some tea and snacks.

Some time later, they gathered at the table and Sanae turned the television on.

The screen lit up, showing both the name and the logo of the studio.

**"Rooster Teeth?"** asked Sanae, tilting her head in confusion.

"I can't imagine an odder name for whatever this is," Alice agreed with a raised brow.

"Could be worse," challenged Marisa with a sly grin.

"Like what?"

"COCK BITE!" the self-proclaimed ordinary magician stated, falling over in laughter while the others groaned in annoyance.

**The view faded to show several men in futuristic armour with some kind of vehicle, and a big font stating **_**'RED' **_**floating next to them, as a catchy tune started to play.**

_**~ Roses are red, ~**_

_**~ and violets are blue. ~**_

* * *

**The camera zooms to the man with red amour in front of the vehicle, while another font identified him as**

_**'SARGE'.**_

_**~ One day we'll cruise down Blood Gulch Avenue. ~**_

* * *

**Next was the one sitting in the vehicle, wearing orange (Or is it yellow? Gold maybe?) armour, as he turned his head to look to his left.**

_**'GRIF'**_

_**~ It's Red versus Red, and Blue versus Blue. ~**_

* * *

**Now it was the man in maroon, aiming the vehicle's strange cannon-like weapon to the side.**

_**'SIMMONS'**_

_**~ It's I against I, and me against you. ~**_

* * *

**The final one, wearing the same suit as the first one, was holding a gun as**

_**'DONUT'**_

**appeared in front of him.**

**The view zipped across the field to some kind of gray base, showing two soldiers next to yet another big vehicle, one with blue armour and the other in black.**

_**~ Violets are blue, and roses are red, ~**_

_**~ living like this, we're already dead. ~**_

* * *

**The man in teal (Aqua?) pulled his gun out and posed in a heroic stance, while the name**

_**'TUCKER'**_

**appeared in the front.**

**A cobalt-armoured soldier was standing on top of the base, aiming a long rifle around, as the name**

_**'CHURCH'**_

**came in from the side.**

**The soldier in black armour, identified as**

_**'TEX',**_

**turned invisible and quickly back to normal as the font went behind him/her.**

**The final soldier in blue jumped out of the vehicle, aiming his weapon to the ground.**

_**'CABOOSE'**_

_**~ Hop in my car, ~**_

_**~ it don't have any doors. ~**_

* * *

**The vehicle started to glow.**

_**'SHEILA'**_

**The camera zoomed out towards the middle of a field, showing a soldier in brown armour.**

_**'LOPEZ'**_

_**~ It's build like a cat,**_

_**~ it lands on all fours.**_

* * *

**The screen changed to show the smaller of the first vehicles being driven on the field and then zoomed to Grif and Sarge talking. Then the view focused on Church and Caboose standing next to each other, as Church waved his weapon around, just to quickly fade to Donut with a flagpole in his hands, then the big vehicle shooting, to Tex, then to a man in a grey suit.**

_**~ My car's like a puma, ~**_

_**~ it drives on all fours. ~**_

* * *

**Several different scenes played out, some purple object flying in space, both sides shooting across from one another, Grif and Tucker in their team's respective vehicle, and a variety of other activities as the song continued to play out.**

_**~ Red versus Red ~**_

_**~ Blue versus Blue ~**_

* * *

**"RED VS BLUE" – "SEASON 1"**

"The song was actually pretty good," said Reimu, nibbling on a cookie. "The lyrics didn't make much sense through."

"Season 1? How many are there anyway?" asked Marisa her fellow blonde.

"Let's see, I count... wow, seventeen cases," Alice answered, digging through the box.

"Seems like we'll be here for some time!" smiled Sanae, clapping her hands in excitement.

Reimu groaned.

* * *

**"Season 01 / Episode 01: Why are we here?"**

**The camera zoomed up to Grif and Simmons, standing next to each other on top of their base.**

"That armour looks actually pretty impressive," mused Reimu, looking at the green-haired priestess. "Is that normal for the Outside World?"

"That looks a bit more advanced then anything they had the last time I was there," answered Sanae, tapping her chin in thought as she looked at the roof. "But it's possible they have something similar by now."

**"Hey," started Simmons, turning to Grif.**

**"Yeah?"**

**"You ever wondered why we're here?"**

**"It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of... some cosmic coincidence, or... is there really a God? Watching everything? Y'know, with a plan for us and stuff? I dunno, man. But it keeps me up at night."**

"... Gotta admit, I didn't expect them to start with a philosophical discussion about the meaning of life," Marisa mumbled, scratching her head in confusion. "That's some pretty heavy stuff there."

"But why is he talking as there is only one god? Is he simply ignoring all the others?" wondered Reimu, sipping at her tea.

"It's an Outside World thing."

**Both soldiers stared at each other in silence.**

**"... What? I mean why are we out here, in this canyon?"**

**"Oh. Uh... yeah."**

**"What was all that stuff about God?"**

**"Uh... hm? Nothing."**

Silence.

"Way to kill the mood, dude," deadpanned Marisa, but then started to laugh. The others joined in too, but a bit more collected than their friend.

**"... You want to talk about it?"**

**"No."**

**"You sure?"**

**"Yeah."**

"Awkward~," sang Sanae, still giggling.

**"Seriously though, why are we out here? As far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. No way in or out."**

"Wow, sucks to be them," said Reimu.

"**Mhmm."**

**"The only reason that we set up a red base here, is because they have a blue base over there. And the only reason they have a blue base over there, is because we have a red base here."**

"I will not say that THIS is the stupidest thing I ever heard, because honestly? I have seen and heard even more moronic stuff around here," started Alice, shaking her head in disapproval. "But it's still easily in the Top 10."

The others also gave sounds of agreement.

**"Yeah, that's because we're fighting each other," answered Grif.**

**"No no, but I mean, even if we were to pull out today and they were to come take our base, they'd would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoopdee-fucking-doo."**

"Yeah, that's total bullshit," agreed Marisa.

**"What's up with that anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens. Next thing I know, Master Chief blows up the whole Covenant armada, and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, fighting a bunch of blue guys,"** **Grif summarized.**

"So they were originally planning to fight aliens?" asked Sanae, reaching for the plate with the cookies, only to realize that Marisa already ate all of them.

"What, like the lunarians?" said the witch, rubbing her stomach in contentment, while ignoring the stink-eye the former outsider gave her.

"Kaguya and her rabbits were originally from earth," said Reimu, sighing at the antics of the two. "I believe they are talking about real aliens."

"I wonder how one single human could destroy an entire armada on his own," thought Alice aloud, but only got shrugs in response.

* * *

**The camera changed to show Church and Tucker, both standing on a cliff a decent distance away from the red base, with the former looking through a long riffle, while the latter was standing behind him.**

"Talking about crazy bunny girls, that looks like on of those cannon things that they uses sometimes," noted Marisa.

"They're called 'guns'," Sanae explained. "And they come in lots of different shapes and sizes. Judging by its length, I'd say that one is a 'sniper riffle', used for long-distance attacks."

**"What are they doing?" Tucker asked.**

**"What?" replied Church, lowering his weapon.**

**"I said, what are they doing now?"**

**"Godamn it, I'm getting so sick of answering that question!"**

"He sounds a lot like Reimu," grinned Marisa, getting an annoyed shove from said shrine maiden.

**"You have the fucking rifle, I can't see shit! Don't bitch at me, because I'm not going to just sit up here and play with my d-"**

"Wow, too much info?" Alice grimaced.

**"Okay, look. They're just standing there and talking, okay? That's all they're doing. That's all they ever do, is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So five minutes from now when you ask me **_**'What are they doing?',**_** my answer's gonna be: **_**'They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there'**_**."**

**"... What are they talking about?"**

**"You know what? I fucking hate you."**

"Snarky, easily irritated and even easier annoyed. I think we found your soul mate!" teased Marisa.

"Fuck you," replied Reimu eloquently, kicking the blonde magician in the side.

"See?! You're made for each other!" gasped Marisa from her position on the ground, trying to catch her breath, while her butt was comically raised to the heavens.

* * *

**\- Back to the Reds -**

**"Talk about a waste of resources,"** **Griff complained**. **"I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms of life. ****Y'know, fight them."**

**"Yeah, no shit. That' why they should put us in charge."**

"I have the feeling you two wouldn't be in charge of taking care of a rock," mocked Alice, covering her mouth faux seriousness.

"They'd probably lose it," joined Sanae in the joke.

**Sarge appeared, looking up at Simmons and Grif.**

**"Ladies, front and center on the double!"**

**"Fuck," groaned Simmons.**

**"Yes, sir!" answered Grif.**

**Fade to black.**

* * *

"What the fuck, that's all?" complained Marisa. "We didn't get any action at all!"

"Let's play the next one," urged Sanae her fellow priestess, who snorted in irritation, before snatching the remote and pressing play.

* * *

**Character Introduction**

Name: **Reimu Hakurei**

Race: Human

Age: Mid-teens

Occupation: Hakurei Shrine Maiden, Incident Resolver

Eyes: Brown

Hair: Brown/Black

Special Features: Usually wears a highly modificated red and white shrine maiden oufit, emphasizing her armpits

Title: Shrine Maiden of Paradise

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Manipulation of Auras, Barrier Creation, Shrine Maiden Powers

Notes:

Reimu Hakurei is the main character of the Touhou Project series. As the sole maiden of the Hakurei Shrine, she is commonly called upon (or calls it upon herself) to investigate strange occurrences throughout Gensokyo.

Reimu is commonly described as easygoing, curious, dutiful, and optimistic — sometimes overly so. Her personality seems sympathetic toward many individuals; there are few characters who remain her rivals past the first encounter. Her shrine has become a moderately popular locale for Gensokyo's youkai population.

This passive attitude towards monsters doesn't sit well with most of the humans in Gensokyo, which means her shrine doesn't get many visitors... or donations.

She's also one of the inventors of the 'Spell Card System'.

* * *

Name: **Marisa Kirisame**

Race: Human

Age: Mid-teens

Occupation: Witch

Eyes: Golden

Hair: Blonde

Special Features: Stereotypical witch with an overly large hat and flying broom

Title: Ordinary Magician

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Magic

Notes:

Marisa Kirisame is an 'ordinary' human magician specializing in flashy heat and light-based magic and the secondary protagonist of the Touhou Project series. She is a notorious and proud kleptomaniac, especially when it comes to books. She's built herself up as a great magician through nothing but hard work and dedication to her craft.

* * *

Name: **Alice Margatroid**

Race: Youkai (Magician)

Age: unknown, young for a youkai

Occupation: Magician, Puppeteer

Eyes: Green

Hair: Blonde

Special Features: She's usually accompanied by her dolls Shanghai and Hourai

Title: Seven-Coloured Puppeteer

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Magic, Puppetry Proficiency

Notes:

Alice Margatroid is one of only a few people known to live within the 'Forest of Magic'. She's a magician known primarily for her skilful use of magical dolls as well as being a loner. She gets in many fights with Marisa but they are somewhat acquaintances, sharing many of the same interests and even teaming up at times.

* * *

Name: **Sanae Kochiya**

Race: Human, Arahitogami (lit. 'Living God')

Age: Mid-teens

Occupation: Wind Priestess, Shrine Maiden, Scientist (Amateur)

Eyes: Golden

Hair: Green

Special Features: She wears a snake-shaped hair accessory wrapped around her hair on one side, and a hair clip shaped like a frog's head on the other

Title: Modern Living God

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Shrine Maiden Powers, Miracle Manipulation

Notes:

Sanae Kochiya is a human descendant of the goddess Suwako Moriya who was born in the Outside World. While she is a minor goddess due to her divine heritage, she works as the shrine maiden and wind priestess of the Moriya Shrine. When humans on the Outside World began losing their faith in the gods, Kanako, the shrine's official deity, decided to move the shrine to Gensokyo where at least youkai might have faith in them. As a result, she is one of the few people living in Gensokyo with a developed knowledge of the Outside World.

Sanae originally tried to overtake the Hakurei Shrine in order to establish the Moriya Shrine as the dominant one, but got promptly beaten into the dust by Reimu. Despite the fact they became friends afterwards, they still maintain some sort of friendly rivalry, mainly because the Moriya Shrine is far more popular than the Hakurei Shrine, therefore getting far more donations.

Her power to cause miracles is best explained as the ability to manipulate probability.

* * *

Name: **Yukari Yakumo**

Race: Elder Youkai

Age: over 1.200 years

Occupation: Stabilizes and monitors the barriers of Gensokyo

Eyes: Golden

Hair: Blonde

Special Features: She's usually accompanied by her shikigamis Ran and Chen

Title: Border of Phantasm; Gap Youkai

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Onmyōdō Spells, Shikigami, Gaps, Manipulation of Boundaries

Notes:

Yukari Yakumo is a legendary youkai with the power to manipulate boundaries, one of the creators of Gensokyo and co-creator of the 'Spell Card System'. She is a remarkably youkai-like youkai who spends most of her time sleeping and relaxing. However, she is exceptionally intelligent and is aware of most things happening within Gensokyo (and other places).

Her power allows her to manipulate any and all kinds of boundaries. That extends to any boundary that can be defined in a recognizable way, a power that makes her seem to be almost omnipotent.

By manipulating the boundary between 'Here and There' she can also create and control gaps, portal-like rips in space filled with disembodied eyes. She can use these as a purse, to teleport, to travel, to snatch projectiles and even attack with them.

Despite all her power Yukari's MO usually involves manipulating others to do the work for her.

She's also one of the biggest trolls ever, messing with anyone just for the heck of it.

_Harsh~! - Yukari_

What the fuck?!

* * *

Name:** Flandre Scarlet**

Race: Youkai (Vampire)

Age: over 495 years

Occupation: None

Eyes: Scarlet

Hair: Golden

Special Features: Instead of the usual bat wings, she's branch-like wings decorated with multi-coloured crystals

Title: Diabolic Wave

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Vampire Magic, Cloning, Magical Weapon, Destruction of Anything and Everything

Notes:

Flandre Scarlet is the younger sister of Remilia Scarlet and a vampire who has lived at the Scarlet Devil Mansion for over 495 years.

Despite her age she maintained a childlike attitude and usually acts on a whim. Since she goes a little crazy due to her emotional instability, she has never been taken outside the bounds of the Scarlet Devil Mansion and rarely leaves the building itself.

Flandre has the power to destroy anything she wants, a frightening ability with no real weaknesses. By summoning the 'eye' of an object into the palm of her hand and crushing it, she can annihilate practically anything instantly.

She can also create up to three copies of herself and possesses a magical weapon called 'Lævateinn', which can be set on fire.

* * *

Name: **Kaguya Houraisan**

Race: Lunarian

Age: over 1.400 years

Occupation: Exiled Moon Princess

Eyes: Brown

Hair: Black

Special Features: Her powers are essential for the creation of the Hourai Elixir

Title: The Eternal Moon Princess

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Eternal Youth and Immortality, Manipulation of Eternity and Instantaneous

Notes:

Kaguya Houraisan was once a princess of the lunarians, but was exiled to earth over a thousand years ago for the crime of using the forbidden Hourai Elixir to make herself immortal. Arriving on earth, she was found by a bamboo cutter and dwelt among the humans she had once despised. Tales of her unearthly beauty led men from all across the land to seek her hand in marriage, but none could successfully complete her trial of the 'Five Impossible Requests'.

After years of exile, emissaries from the moon arrived: Kaguya had been forgiven of her crime and it had been decided that she should return. Kaguya, however, had grown to love life on earth and had no desire to return to the lunar capital permanently. Enlisting the help of her friend Eirin, Kaguya escaped from the emissaries and fled to Gensokyo. Taking refuge in an ancient manor called Eientei hidden deep within a secluded bamboo forest, the two lunarians began a new exile. After several centuries of isolation, she was eventually reunited with Mokou, who had also used the Hourai Elixir to become immortal, and the two continued their feud, murdering each other on a nearly daily basis.

* * *

**Additional Information**

**Gensokyo:**

Gensokyo was originally a desolate, haunted region of Japan ages ago. The youkai that lived there began to terrorize the surrounding lands and thus powerful, spiritual empowered humans were sent to exorcise and exterminate them. The off and on battle between humans and youkai continued on until 1885 A.D., when Gensokyo was sealed off from this increasingly scientific and skeptical world with the creation of the 'Great Hakurei Barrier'. There has been little contact between those societies ever since. Today, the only known gateway between Gensokyo and the 'Outside World' is the Hakurei Shrine, which stands in isolation along the border.

Gensokyo is populated mainly by youkai and other supernatural beings, but a decent number of humans live there as well. Some of its inhabitants went there to hide, to escape or to find shelter when no-one else would accept them.

**Youkai:**

Youkai roughly translates to either 'mystic apparition' or 'mysterious calamity' and refers to Japanese folklore creatures and ghosts. The term can also apply broadly to anything that is a supernatural being or legend, from any culture. Because there are thousands of stories of magical beings around the world, the different types of youkai are endless. Fairies, vampires, oni and nekomata can all be found in Gensokyo. Alternatively, it is a common Japanese belief that after a certain amount of time, ordinary objects and animals gain life and personality, becoming a kind of youkai as well. In some cases even a normal human can become a youkai under the right conditions.

Normal youkai seem to behave like wild animals, attacking humans within their territory on sight. Exceptional youkai are less common, but they often enjoy speaking to humans and are much stronger than an ordinary human. These youkai are almost always humanoid in appearance and can be quite unpredictable; friendly one moment, hostile the next.

Many, though not all, youkai are known to eat humans on occasion, if not on a regular basis. Many youkai are also stronger and live longer than an average human, with lifespans often reaching into hundreds of years (or are outright immortal ). One common trait often seen among youkai is a weakness to various faith based and spiritual attacks, charms, wards, etc. In Gensokyo it's therefore natural for the resident shrine maiden to become involved whenever there's trouble being caused by a youkai.

**Spell Card System:**

It is specified that the 'Spell Card System' was developed by Reimu Hakurei and Yukari Yakumo and was first used in the infamous 'Scarlet Mist Incident'. It is a duel system that allows the combatants to fight without worrying about dying or killing the other duelist. The danmaku used during those fights are non-lethal in nature and the primary goal is it to dodge and counter-attack.

The winner is usually decided by skill and performance. The Spell Cards - and the similarly working Skill Cards - themselves are usually pieces of paper bearing the descriptions of their respective spells, along with the possible approval of the shrine maiden, and are a combination of danmaku and the respective abilities of the users.**  
**

**Danmaku:**

Danmaku translates to 'Bullet Curtain', 'Curtain Fire' or simply 'Bullet Hell' and is the ability to produce a great number of magic projectiles, the danmaku, and send them in the direction of your opponent.

Main way of attacking in a spell card battle.

**Lunarians:**

The Lunarians (Tsukibito lit. 'Moon People') are the people living on or coming from the moon. They resemble humans in most ways and are classified as such, with the exception of the moon rabbits.

Lunarians naturally live much longer lives, though. They also possess some of the most advanced technology in existence and are supposedly, according to Kaguya, the originators of magic.

They also look down on the earth-dwellers, since they consider the circle of 'Life and Death' as a sickness and therefore impure.

**Moon Rabbits:**

Human-like youkai with bunny ears and tails living on the moon.

They seem to be used as capable soldiers in the moon's war effort and can communicate telepathically between each other across extremely long distances (like from the moon to the earth). Moon rabbits are based on an ancient Japanese folklore where the people saw a rabbit in the moon pounding mochi, as opposed to a smiling face (the 'Man in the Moon').


	2. S1E2 - Red gets a Delivery

**Season 01 / Episode 02: Red gets a Delivery**

**The episode opens with Grif and Simmons jogging over to Sarge.**

**"Hurry up, ladies. This ain't no ice-cream social!" ordered the gruff leader of the red team.**

**"'Ice-cream social?'" asked Simmons in confusion.**

"While we are at the topic of food," started Marisa, looking at Alice. "Could you make more cookies? Sanae ate all of them."

Ignoring the sounds of indignation, the female puppeteer looked at Marisa, tilting her head.

"Why do you ask me? It was Reimu who made them."

The young witch raised her hands in a time-out gesture. "Hold a sec,_ Reimu_ made them?" She turned to the miko. "You can _cook_?!"

"Of course I can! What do you take me for?"

"I dunno. I just never figured you could cook something edible."

"... Yeah, no more free food for you."

"Aw, shit."

**"Stop the pillow talk, you two,"** **Sarge continued. "Anyone want to guess why I gathered you here, today?"**

**"Um, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?" Grif asked hopefully.**

**"That's exactly it, private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero, and we're gonna hold a parade in your honour," Sarge's voice was practically dripping with sarcasm. "I get to drive the float, and Simmons here IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!"**

"Seems like we have yet another character who is easily irritated," grinned Sanae, playfully poking Reimu with her index finger.

Reimu groaned. "Curse you, Yukari."

**"I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir."**

**"Goddamn it, private! Shut your mouth, or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!"**

"Yes, it's like looking into a mirror," joked Alice. "Pity that he sounds so much older than you do. If he was younger, you two would look quite lovely together."

Face, meet table. Table, face. I'm sure you've become very well acquainted by now, so this is just a formality, but...

*Smack*

**"Oh, I'd do it, too,"** **Simmons added.**

"Looks like we got ourselves a kiss ass," laughed Marisa.

**"I know you would, Simmons… good man. Couple of things today, ladies: Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One."**

**"Crap, we're getting a rookie,"** **complained Grif.**

**"That's right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week. But today, we receive the first part of our shipment from Command,"** **he turned around. "Lopez… bring up the vehicle."**

**Cue to the brown armoured soldier driving a four-wheeled vehicle with a large cannon on the back over a hill and into vision.**

**"Shotgun!" exclaimed Simmons quickly.**

**"Shotgun!"** **yelled Grif one second later. Realizing that he was too late, he cursed. "Fuck."**

"What is that anyway?" asked Alice, remembering it from the intro.

"Oh, that's a car," explained Sanae. "They're from the Outside World, and run by a mechanical engine."

"You mean like one of those things the kappas are working with?" asked Marisa.

"Yes, they are basically self-propelling carriages.

"Huh, neat."

**"May I introduce, our new light reconnaissance vehicle. It has four inch armour plating, maaag bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen, this is the M12 LRV!"**

Reimu whistled in appreciation. "I have no clue what even half of that means, but it sounds impressive."

Marisa was squirming uncomfortably in her seat at the table, which got the attention of Alice.

"Is something wrong?"

"Huh? No, no," reassured the magician, giving a sideway glance to her broom, which leaned at the entrance to the room. "I just feel a little... how do I put it... insecure all of a sudden."

Marisa's look to her trademark way of travelling however didn't go unnoticed by Reimu.

"Marisa," started the Hakurei priestess with a deadpanned tone, startling the witch. "You're not getting an armed vehicle. You're causing enough property damage as it is."

Marisa shrugged sheepishly. "Hey, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs."

Reimu's right eye twitched. "That has _nothing_ to do with broken furniture."

"Maybe, but that was what I had for breakfast today."

**"I like to call it the 'Warthog'."**

**"Why 'Warthog', sir?"** **wondered Simmons.**

"A valid question," Sanae agreed.

**"Because M12 LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son."**

"As a good a reason as any, I suppose," relented the green-haired shrine maiden.

**"No, but... why 'Warthog'? It doesn't really look like a pig,"** **stated Grif.**

**"Say that again?" asked Sarge in a threatening tone.**

"Treat lightly, dude," warned Marisa the orange-armoured trooper. "You're digging your own grave there."

**"I think it looks more like a puma."**

**"... What in Sam Hill is a puma?"**

"They can't be serious."

**"Uh, you mean like the shoe company?"** **Simmons asked.**

"Holy shit, they are."

**"No, like a puma. It's a big cat. Like a lion."**

**"... You're making that up,"** **said Sarge.**

"And you were really comparing HIM with ME?" asked Reimu in exhaustion, shaking her head at the stupidity in front of her.

"Well, you can't deny the kinship between you two," smirked Marisa, patting the back of her long-time friend. "He could be your daddy! Your senile daddy, that is."

**"I'm telling you, it's a real animal!"**

**"Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal."**

**"Yes, sir!"** **Simmons replied.**

"Oh Marisa, how I'd just love to poison your food one day," grinned Alice evilly, causing everyone to slowly back away from the dark aura surrounding her. "Maybe that will teach you not to break into my kitchen and steal my food."

"At least it would add flavor to your cooking!"

**"Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks. And what kind of animal has tusks?"**

**"A walrus,"** **Grif answered.**

**"Didn't I just _tell_ you to stop making up animals!?"**

"Please man, just stop talking," pleaded Reimu in disbelief.

* * *

**\- The scene shifted to the two blue team soldiers spying on them from the cliff -**

**"What is that thing?" asked Tucker.**

**"I don't know. It looks like, uh, looks like they got some kind of car down there," Church lowered his weapon. "We better get back to base and report it."**

**"A car? How come they get a car?"**

**"What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a _tank_ in the very next drop."**

"What's a 'tank'?" wondered Marisa, looking at the only one in the room with knowledge of the outside.

"You'll properly find out soon enough," said Sanae, already preparing herself mentally for whatever reaction the blonde will have to something even bigger and better armed than the Warthog.

**"You can't pick up chicks in a tank,"** **complained the horndog of the blue team.**

Four eyebrows were raised simultaneously at that remark.

"I have the sudden urge to murder someone," growled Marisa in an uncharacteristically deep voice.

"Such a coincidence, so do I," Sanae agreed, with an angelically smile that could freeze hell.

"Make that three," added Reimu, mirroring Sanae's expression.

There was the sound of hell freezing over a _second_ time.

"Four."

Holy fuck, is that a blizzard?!

**"Oh, you know what? You could bitch about anything, couldn't you? We're gonna get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up, man? And secondly, how are you gonna pick up chicks in car that looks like that?"**

**"Well, what kind of car is it?"**

**Church raised his sniper rifle again.** **"I don't know, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a, uh... like a big cat of some kind."**

**"... What, like a puma?"**

**"Yeah man, there ya go."**

That exchange succeeded in calming the girls down, who were giggling and relaxing again.

* * *

**\- Back to the Reds -**

**"So unless anybody has any more mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're gonna stick with 'the Warthog'. How about it, Grif?"**

**"No, sir. No more suggestions," Grif replied, defeated.**

**"Are you sure? How 'bout Big Foot?"**

**"That's okay."**

**"Unicorn?"**

**"No, really. I'm, I'm cool."**

**"Sasquatch?"**

**"Leprechaun?"** **Simmons suggested.**

"Like Mei-Ling?" Marisa grinned.

"**Hey, he doesn't need any help, man."**

**"Phoenix?"**

Alice giggled. "I don't think Miss Mokou would be happy to be considered on the same level as a carriage."

**Grif groaned.** **"Christ."**

"Who?"

**"Hey, Simmons! What's the name of that mexican lizard? Eats all the goats?"**

**"Uh, that would be the chupacabra, sir," Simmons answered.**

**"Hey, Grif! Chupathingy, how 'bout that? I like it. Got a ring to it," he said sarcastically.**

**The screen cut to black.**

* * *

"I actually feel a little bit bad for Grif," stated Sanae, knowing how it feels to be bullied from past experience.

"I think that it was funny," disagreed Marisa. "But then again, I drive on the misery of others."

"Yeah, no shit," grumbled Reimu.

* * *

**Character Introduction**

Name: **Hong 'China' Mei-Ling**

Race: Youkai

Age: unknown

Occupation: Gatekeeper and Gardener of the Scarlet Devil Mansion

Eyes: Teal

Hair: Scarlet

Special Features: Wears an olive green-cap with a bronze star with the Chinese character 龍 (Lóng, lit. 'Dragon') in the middle

Title: Chinese Girl

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Martial Arts, Chi Manipulation

Notes:

Hong Meiling is a youkai, though it isn't currently known which specific category she actually belongs to (rumored to be related to dragons). Despite sleeping most of the time, she's still a reliable gatekeeper and drived out many would-be invader. She's also known for her mastery of martial arts, mainly Shin-Kyaku (a move in Chinese martial arts).

With her green clothes, red hair and cheerful demeanour she kind of resembles the folklore description of Leprechauns, does she not?

* * *

Name: **Fujiwara no Mokou**

Race: Human

Age: over 1.300 years

Occupation: Bamboo Forest guide, claims to run a yakitori stand

Eyes: Red

Hair: Ivory

Special Features: Her clothes and hair are decorated with paper charms

Title: The Crimson Watchguard

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Eternal Youth and Immortality, Manipulation of Fire

Notes:

Formerly an ordinary human, Fujiwara no Mokou became an immortal after drinking the Hourai Elixir. Now she is unable to truely die, though she can still feel the pain of injuries as any normal human does.

Due to her longevity, Mokou has garnered much experience and is able to endure a high threshold of pain. She is also arguably the strongest human in Gensokyo and her abilities are said to be on par with some of the most elite youkai.

Since her father died trying to accomplish Kaguya's impossible requests, Mokou has a long running history of hatred for the former moon princess, with both immortals killing each other constantly.

When not fighting with Kaguya though, she aids the nearby villagers by exterminating youkai and will even guide them safely to Eientei for medical treatment. She is a loner by nature and chooses not to socialize with humans or youkai and has a dubious personality that can easily switch from friendly to threatening and back again, but her actions seem to indicate she may be a good person.

Due to her ability to control fire and her immortality, she's bears a striking resemblance to a phoenix.


	3. S1E3 - The Rookies

**Season 01 / Episode 03: The Rookies**

**The scene opened with two familiar red soldiers on top of the Red Base... standing around and talking. Again.**

"Do they ever do something else then standing around and talk?" asked Reimu, earning a nod from Marisa.

"Yeah, what a waste of time," agreed the witch with crossed arms, shaking her head in disappointment.

"Of course you two are FAR more productive," chimed Alice into the conversation, her voice dripping with sarcasm. _"_By _sitting_ around and _talking_ all day if given the chance."

Both girls sweat-dropped and blushed slightly.

"S-Shut up," mumbled Reimu, while Marisa pulled her hat down to cover her face. "You can't blame me for taking it easy when I can!"

Sanae raised her hand to hide her giggling.

**"Hey, that's _not_ exactly what happened,"** **started Simmons, continuing an off-screen conversation.**

**"Yes, it is!" Grif retorted angrily. "You said 'I'm not going to the Vegas quadrant!', and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod headed for…"**

**Behind them Donut appeared, walking up to them.**

"And here comes the fresh meat," stated Marisa, recovering from the previous quarrel.

**"Excuse me, uh, sirs?"**

**"_'Sirs?_'" asked Simmons, turning around.**

**"Aw, crap," moaned Grif.**

**"I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost Number One and speak to whoever's in charge?"**

**"Sorry, man,"** **answered Grif. "Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today."**

**"Actually private, he left me in charge while he's gone," interrupted Simmons smugly.**

"You're such a kiss-ass," said Reimu, rolling her eyes.

**"You are such a kiss-ass."**

"Hey look! An echo!" laughed Sanae, getting an annoyed huff from her fellow miko.

**"Also, he told me if I had any trouble from you I should - ahem - 'Git in the Warthog and crush your head like a tomato can',"** **Simmons continued, imitating Sarge.**

"Your daddy sure knows how to keep his subordinates in line," joked Marisa, dodging a punch from Reimu.

**"... That's the worst impression I've ever heard."**

**Simmons turned to Donut.** **"Okay rookie, what's your story?"**

**"Private Donut, reporting for duty, sir. I'm ready to fight some aliens."**

Silence.

Cue laughter.

"Oh heavens," gasped Sanae, holding her sides.

"Who the fuck names their kid like THAT?!" laughed Marisa, hammering and rolling on the ground.

Alice and Reimu were a bit more composed, but were still shaking slightly in mirth.

**"Couple things here, rookie. First of, '_Private Donut'_? I think somebody needs a new nickname,"** **began Grif.**

"Like what? Private Sweet Hole?" smirked Marisa, re-starting the laughter around her.

**"Secondly, what's with the armour colour?"**

**"This _is_ the standard issue red," replied Donut.**

**"Yeah, I know. Listen, only two kinds of people wear standard issue armour: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer."**

"He definitely needs another suit," agreed Sanae. "I vote green."

Alice rolled her eyes, but smiled. "It's the _RED _army, though."

"But one of them is wearing brown!"

**Donut gestured to Simmons. "Well, he's wearing red armour."**

**"No, my armour is maroon. Your armour is red,"** **Simmons** **clarified.**

**"Well, how do I get a different colour of armour?"**

**Simmons sighed. "I bet the Blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap."**

"Wouldn't bet on it," grinned Marisa.

* * *

**\- The scene changed to the now three Blues in front of a large armoured vehicle –**

"HOLY SHIT!" yelled Marisa, her eyes wide in wonder. "Is THAT the TANK?!"

"Yes, that's a tank," confirmed Sanae, rubbing her temple. She expected the witch to get excited about the tank, but this is getting ridiculous. "They are able to level entire buildings with their cannon and can 'tank' just as much damage, pun intended."

While Reimu and Alice were just as equally impressed as the kleptomaniac of the group, they were able to contain their emotions far better.

"Want," whispered Marisa, clenching her fists in her lap.

"Huh? Did you say something?" asked Sanae in a worried tone, slowly backing away.

"I WANT A TANK!" roared Marisa, shaking the entire shrine.

"Holy shit," complained Reimu, covering her ears. "Calm down, would ya?"

"I don't think she can hear you," noticed Sanae, waving her right hand in front of Marisa. "She's completely out of it. I think the tank broke her."

Alice's left eye twitched.

"I need a newspaper," smiled the blonde sweetly, before facing Reimu. "You wouldn't happen to have one handy, would you?"

Reimu gulped, slightly perturbed by the puppeteer's overly happy expression.

"There's one right over there," said the priestess, pointing to a shelf next to the entrance. "Aya drops her 'Bunbunmaru' here every morning."

Alice nodded. "Good, good," she said as she took the newspaper, rolled it up and hold it over the now drooling Marisa.

Sanae covered her eyes.

*WHACK!*

Marisa recoiled as the rolled-up newspaper was forcibly smacked against her head. It took her a few seconds to process what had happened, before she turned towards Alice.

"Alice?! What the fuck-?"

*WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!*

"OW!"

"No Marisa Kirisame, that's a bad Marisa Kirisame!" shouted Alice with barely contained glee.

Marisat rubbed the spot on her head where she was just whacked repeatedly. "Ooooowww!" she moaned. "Why'd you do that for?!"

"Marisa! You won't get a tank!"

The blonde witch frowned. "... Not even a small one?"

*WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!*

"BAD MARISA KIRISAME! BAD!"

"GHA! Right on the nose!" yelled Marisa, covering it with her hands.

Reimu and Sanae meanwhile where holding each other for comfort, clearly afraid of the unusual behavior of the normally composed doll master.

Alice sighed, crossing her arms while Marisa nursed the bumps on her head. "Marisa, remember what Reimu said earlier? Was there even one single instance where your involvement didn't cause even more problems or property damage?"

Marisa paused and stared at Alice, then up at the ceiling.

"See!" said Alice. "Now imagine you would have an actual tank. Gensokyo would be burn-"

"Shhh! I'm still thinking..."

Alice furrowed her brow. "Thinking? I just mentioned the times you misused your magic in a way that blew up in everyone's face! I mean... it happened already twice this week alone..."

Marisa nodded. "That you know of."

Alice's face involuntarily twitched.

*WHACK!*

"OWW! Okay, I get it! No tank for me!" whined the black and white witch, before adding 'Killjoy' in a quieter tone.

"Good girl," smiled Alice, sitting back down and putting the newspaper away. But still in her reach, noticed a shaken Reimu.

* * *

\- There isn't a problem that can't be solved by a newspaper. -

* * *

**"So I say to the guy, 'How are you gonna get the tank down to the planet?' And he goes, 'I'll just put it on the ship.' And I go, 'If you got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?'"** **concluded Caboose his story.**

**"Hey, kid?" started Tucker.**

**"Yeah?"**

**"You're ruining the moment. Shut up," he finished, before turning back to the tank.**

"Come on, be nice," chastised Sanae. "He must be nervous and is just trying to fit in."

**"Oh. Okay. You got it man."**

**"You know what? I could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing," fantasized Church.**

"Yeah, I know the feeling," agreed Marisa, blushing.

*WHACK!*

"OUCH! STOP IT!"

"I'll stop it when you stop deserving it."

* * *

**\- Back to Red Base -**

**"Okay Private Donut, here's the deal," Simmons began.**

**"I just refuse to call him 'Private Donut'," interjected Grif.**

"I just can't get over how stupid his name sounds," grinned Reimu, re-filling her cup of tea.

**"We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?"**

"They actually do stuff?" wondered Marisa.

**"Absolutely," Donut replied with confidence.**

**"We need you to go to the store and pick up two quarts of elbow grease."**

**"Yeah, and uh, pick up some... headlight fluid for the Puma, too."**

"Of course," groaned Alice, sighing.

**"The what…?"**

**"He means the Warthog."**

"Yeah, that clears things up," sneered Reimu.

**"You do know where the store is, right rookie?" asked Grif.**

**"Wh-What? Y-Yeah, yeah, of course I do! No problem," Donut answered uncertainly.**

**"Well, get going then," ordered Simmons.**

**Donut began to leave the base.**

"And he's actually doing it," moaned Alice. "Is everyone in the canyon a retard?"

**"Other way,"** **clarified Grif.**

**"I knew that," said the newbie, before changing directions. "Just got turned around, that's all."**

**Grif and Simmons watched him leave, waiting until he was out of earshot.**

**"How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?"**

**"I'd say... at least a week," replied Grif.**

"That reminds me of my time back in the Outside World," remembered Sanae, her voice saddened. "Others would make me do pointless errands and play pranks on me all the time."

**Donut continued to run some distance before stopping to turn back and face the base.**

**"'Elbow grease?' How stupid do they think I am?"**

"Oh? Looks like he has a working brain after all," noted Reimu.

**Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm gonna have a talk with the sergeant."**

"Nevermind."

* * *

**\- The scene shifted back to Blue Base -**

**"You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece,"** **said Tucker eagerly.**

"He's still going with that?" grumbled Reimu, her cup cracking slightly by her steel-like grip.

**"Oh man, listen to you! What are you gonna do with two chicks?"**

**"Church, women are like Voltron. The more you can hook up, the better it gets."**

"I have no idea what that means, but he is truly testing my patience," said Alice, a malevolent aura forming around her and the rest of the girls.

"We should just let it go," Sanae finally commented, sighing in defeat. "He's clearly a pervert, no point in getting worked up by every little remark."

"Yeah, it's kinda funny," Marisa agreed relucantly. "In a very perverted way."

"So just like you. Just without the 'funny' part."

"Up yours, Alice!"

* * *

**\- The scene once again changed back to Red Base. -**

**"You think we were too mean to the kid?"** **asked Simmons his fellow soldier.**

**"Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliff for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?"**

Reimu face-palmed.

"First rule of narrative causality," said Sanae. "Never ask that question."

* * *

**\- Donut arrived at Blue Base -**

**"Finally! There it is!"** **he said before jogging over.** **"Oh, sweet! They sell _tanks_!"**

"Whelp, he's dead."

* * *

**Character Introduction**

Name: **Aya Shameimaru**

Race: Youkai (Crow Tengu)

Age: over 1.000 years

Occupation: Newspaper Writer, Reporter, Photographer

Eyes: Red

Hair: Black

Special Features: Pointy ears and black crow-like wings

Title: Humble Tengu Reporter

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Able to see/hear things from great distance, Manipulation of Wind

Notes:

Aya Shameimaru is Gensokyo's resident reporter, known for writing 'slightly' exaggerated news articles in her 'Bunbunmaru'. She's also one of the strongest youkai alive, sometimes accidentally winning battles while holding back most of her power.

She's widely considered to be the fastest youkai in Gensokyo as well, capable of cirling the whole moon in mere minutes.


	4. Valentine's Day PSA

Pink.

It was pink.

Not just the entrance or the roof garden, the entire shrine was pink.

Hot pink.

With hearts scribbled on it in red. And a message in big, bold letters:

* * *

_Happy Valentine's Day - Love, Yukari_

* * *

It was very easy to see in the late twilight.

Reimu stared, feeling a vein bulge in her neck.

Sanae stood by her shoulder, tapping her fingers together. "W-well, uhm... it looks... nice?"

Reimu's shoulders tensed; her blood boiled. She took a very deep breath and said in a low, controlled voice. "Sanae, please go home."

"But, Reimu..."

"I'm about to use very vulgar language, and I don't want your poor virgin ears to hear it."

Sanae held up a finger, looking like she wanted to say something (probably something regarding their now weekly RvB sessions) but shrugged and turned away. "Just call me if you need any help."

"Will do," said Reimu, grinding her teeth down to the gums. "Will do."

5 minutes after Sanae left, she took a deep breath, then screamed to the heavens.

"YUUUUUUUUUKAAAAAAAAAAARIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

* * *

\- Some time later -

Reimu was sitting under a tree, leaning against its trunk and watching the sunset.

"I just don't get it," complained the young safe keeper of Gensokyo. "Everyone prancing around with those creepy smiles, way too much pink and red all over the place and you've got people cavorting romantically in the streets like they have no sense of dignity. What is so great about this stupid day?"

Reimu sighed.

"Spending all day with the one you love... simply enjoying each others company...," she sighed again. "Ah well. It's not like my special someone would just fall from the sky, covered in chocolate. That would be ridiculous..."

*BOOM*

Reimu covered her ears and tried to lock her jaw to keep her teeth from chattering. "What the fuck was tha...!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

Reimu dived to the side, just in time as a black and white blur crashed through the branches of the tree above her and fell right where she had just been sitting. Once the commotion was over, Reimu opened her eyes and took a cautious look, only to see Marisa, dizzily splayed on the ground and covered in chocolate.

She gawked at the witch, before looking up to the clouds.

"Not exactly what I asked for, but close enough."

Reimu walked up to the downed girl and poked her with her left foot. "Yo, still alive?"

"Urgh, what happened?" groaned Marisa, sitting up and holding her head in pain.

"You tell me, you were the one crashing into my front yard."

Getting back up on shaking legs, Marisa gave herself a look-over, sheepishly trying to straighten her mess of hair.

"I was just going with the flow and tried to make chocolate...," confessed the magician.

Reimu raised her right eye brow. "So basically... that explosion earlier was your kitchen blowing up and you were sent all the way here due to the blast?"

"... Yes?"

She shacked her head in disbelief. "I'm not even surprised anymore. Thank the kamis for your thick skull."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," interrupted Marisa the miko. "You have some spare clothes?"

Reimu sighed and turned around. "Follow me."

Silence.

"... Hey Reimu?"

"Yeah?"

"Why is your house pink?"

"Just shut up."

* * *

\- A short bath and a change of clothes later -

Considering both of them had nothing better to do for the rest of the day, they decided to watch a PSA dedicated to this 'delightful' holiday.

**Red vs. Blue - Valentine's Day PSA**

**The screen lit up, showing Caboose kneeing next to a river, hiding behind a rock as shots stroked the ground around him.**

**"Oh, boo ho."**

"What's his problem?" wondered Marisa, pulling at the red hakama she's wearing, before Reimu smacked her hands.

**The shoots stopped and Grif appeared on top of a ledge.**

**"Hey, what's wrong with you Caboose?"**

**"What? Nothing..."**

"Nothing my ass," commented Reimu, sipping her tea.

**"Come on, we've been shooting at you for like, twenty minutes, and you haven't run away screaming once."**

**Caboose sighed pitifully.**

**"It's just not like you," finished Grif, looking down at the blue soldier.**

"Considering he's usually killing his own team, I wouldn't complain," stated the shrine maiden.

"Where are the others anyway?" wondered Marisa.

**"I'm sad," admitted Caboose.**

**"Sad?"**

"Sad?" they repeated.

**"I know. It's just... do you know what today is?"**

**"Absolutely no clue. What day comes after yesterday?"**

**"It's Valentine's Day."**

**"It is?"** **wondered Grif, just as Simmons run up next to him.**

"Looks like we're not the only ones not celebrating," said Marisa to Reimu, who just sighed.

"So we're basically just as pathetic as those guys. Great."

**"Hey, what's going on up here?!"**

**Grif turned to his teammate. "Caboose is in a depression."**

**"It's called a foxhole, you idiot," chastised Simmons. "Haven't you learned any military terms yet?"**

**"No, I mean he's depressed."**

**Caboose moaned again.**

**"See?"**

**"Sad? Who gives a fuck, we're trying to kill him! Let him be sad when he's dead,"** **turning to Caboose, he continued.** **"Hey, you! Stop having feelings!"**

"Ladies and gentlemen, here you have a sample of the famous love and charity of the red team," sneered Reimu. "Or rather lack thereof."

**"Apparently he's upset because it's Valentine's Day,"**

**"It's what?"** **asked Simmons in confusion.**

"Oh kami, we're just as bad as Simmons, of all people," groaned Marisa. "That sucks."

**"Valentine's Day,"** **Grif repeated, noticing that his fellow soldier is still clueless. "Valentine's Day? The day we celebrate love? And romance?" Still clueless. "You know, girls?"**

**Simmons jerked up. "Oh, oh- oh yeah, right, yeah, duh, I totally know about that day," he began, obviously sweating under his armour. "I celebrate that day all the time. With all kinds of ladies."**

"Your mother doesn't count," smirked Marisa, earning a giggle from Reimu.

**"You don't have to try and impress me,"** **deadpanned Grif.**

**"Oh you just don't know any of them and uh, I didn't talk about it because you know, that wouldn't be cool," tried the maroon trooper to save his face.**

"That's just embarrassing to listen to," cringed Marisa.

**"Yeah, I'm sure. So why didn't you know what Valentine's Day was?"**

**"Oh, I just didn't understand what you said."**

**"Well, what'd you think I said?"**

**"Valentine's... doy?"**

"Dude, just stop. You're not fooling anyone."

**"Ah yeah, I can see how that would throw you off."**

**"Boo hoo hoo,"** **cried Caboose.**

"And he's still at it," noted Reimu.

**Grif turned back to his supposed enemy. "Oh come on, man."**

**"I'm all alone now. Church was always my valentine."**

"Wait, what?" asked the girls in unison.

"**Why don't I believe that?" asked Grif.**

"Why don't we believe it either?" added Marisa in agreement.

**"It's true. We had a tradition."**

* * *

**\- START FLASHBACK -**

**\- Cut to Church in the past, with Caboose approaching from off screen -**

**"Hey, Church. Happy Valentine-"**

**"Get the fuck away from me!"**

* * *

**\- Cut to Church in the past, with Caboose approaching from off screen -**

**"Church. Would you be my-"**

**"Get the fuck away from me!"**

* * *

**\- Cut to Church and Washington in the past, with Caboose approaching... you get the idea -**

**"Hey Church, Agent Washington. Nice weather."**

**"I guess, okay," Church agreed cautiously.**

**"I wonder if we'll find all those mean computer people today."**

**"Whatever, fine."**

**"You know, because, today would be a great day to find them, since today is-"**

**"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!"**

**\- END FLASHBACK -**

* * *

"Yeah, that's what I thought," grinned Reimu, while Marisa snickered.

* * *

**\- Cut back to Caboose in the depression/foxhole near Grif and Simmons in the present -**

**"I miss him so much!" finished Caboose.**

**"Well, you probably shouldn't," stated Grif, unimpressed by Caboose's story.**

**"He loved me!"**

"Like a pimple on his ass," added the blonde witch, smirking.

**Simmons joined the conversation. "Yeah, I have no idea why you'd think that."**

**"If he didn't love me, then why on every Valentine's Day did he give me my very own heart?"**

"Wait, was that meant literally?"

**"That was your heart!" groaned Grif. "After he pulled it out of your chest! Don't you remember? It would always take Doc hours to sew it back in."**

"Fuck, it was," groaned Reimu. "Caboose is even harder to kill than most youkai if he can survive that."

**"Man, he used to bitch about that so much,"** **remembered Simmons nostalgically.**

"Looks like Eirin is getting some serious competition," said Marisa, somewhat impressed.

**"And now it feels like it's been ripped out again, but you know more symbolically this time, instead of like the regular way."**

**"Would you feel better if we made fun of you and called you names?"**

The girls laughed at that.

"Sadly, it probably would," grinned Reimu.

**Caboose turned to them again. "Would you mind?" he asked hopefully.**

**"Not at all, you stupid fucking shithead," said Simmons, sounding a little bit too happy.**

**Caboose sniffed. "Thanks guys. You're the best."**

* * *

As the screen turned black, Reimu turned to Maris, deep in thought.

"Hey Marisa."

"Yeah?"

"Happy Valentine's Day."

Marisa smirked. "Happy Valentine's Day, Reimu."

* * *

_Happy Single Awareness Day!_

* * *

**Character Introduction**

Name: **Eirin Yagokoro**

Race: Lunarian, Goddess (hinted)

Age: over 1.500 years

Occupation: Pharmacist

Eyes: Grey

Hair: White

Special Features: Rumored to be actually a Goddess of Knowledge

Title: Brain of the Moon

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Archery, Can create any type of medicine for any occation

Notes:

Eirin Yagokoro is the founder of the lunar society and the only one capable of creating the immortality granting Hourai Elixir. She followed Kaguya into her exile in Gensokyo, after choosing to stay with and devote herself to the former princess.

A a genius of medicine, she's currently acting as Gensokyo's premier pharmacist, selling medicines at her clinic Eientei.


	5. S1E4 - Head Noob in Charge

**Season 01 / Episode 04: Head Noob in Charge**

**The screen lit up again, this time showing the members of the blue team, still standing around the tank.**

"Donut is so boned," smirked Marisa, clearly enjoying his oncoming misery. "He's charging dick-first into enemy territory, without knowing what he's dealing with!"

"Marisa, you just described your own MO," muttered Reimu, getting exhausted nods from Alice and Sanae.

Marisa just chuckled sheepishly in response, scratching her cheek in embarrassment.

**"Yeah, I'll let you in on a little secret,"** **started Church the conversation. "I've, uh, actually got a girl back home."**

"I'm so sorry, Reimu," grinned Marisa, as Sanae patted Reimu's back in a mock-comforting manner. Alice simply giggled in the background.

"... Why?" asked the shrine maiden tiredly, already suspecting what's coming.

"Well, it looks like your boyfriend is already taken," laughed the witch, causing Reimu to groan while the other two joined Marisa.

"I hate you guys..."

**"Oh yeah? Girlfriend or wife?"** **asked Tucker.**

**"No man, she's just my girlfriend, you know? We were gonna get married, but I got shipped out and... ah, you know how it works."**

"Everyone who thinks that he's going to die, please raise your hand," stated Alice, lifting her right hand as she spoke. The others followed right away.

"Yeah, he's not gonna make it through the first season," agreed Reimu.

"His poor girlfriend," Sanae sighed sorrowful, clapping her hands for a quick prayer.

"Are you talking about Reimu?" asked Marisa, smirking.

"WOULD YOU FUCKERS QUIT IT ALREADY?!" roared the shrine maiden in question, causing Marisa's hat to fly away from the force behind it.

**"Oh, well, you gonna marry her when you get back?"**

**"I'm not gonna get married,"** **cut Caboose in. "My dad always said '_Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?_'"**

"WHAT!?" the girls all shouted in unison this time.

* * *

\- Somewhere between dimensions -

Yukari Yakumo, also known as the 'Demon that sleeps between Reality and Fantasy', fell of her couch with a startled yelp.

* * *

**"Hey, rookie," Church began, clearly pissed as he stepped forwards threateningly. "Did you just call my girlfriend a cow?"**

**"No, I think he called her a slut," said Tucker, gleefully adding oil to the fire.**

"I can't believe I have to agree with the _pervert_," mumbled Alice, rubbing her temple.

**"I'll tell you what noob, I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long,"** **continued Church. "But as it turns out, I've got a lot more important job for you to do."**

**Realizing his life was about to get much, much harder, Caboose visibly deflated.**

**"Great…"**

"Stop whining, ya had it coming," grunted Marisa.

**"See, we've got this... general."**

**"Right, the... general guy,"** **said Tucker, acting (badly) like this was a normal occurrence.**

**"Who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases. So what am I have you do, is I'm gonna have you go in the base, and stand right next to the flag at attention. Just in case he decides to come by."**

**"Wh-When is he coming by?"**

**"We never know," replied Tucker. "Could be today, could be... weeks from now."**

"You want him to stand at attention for a week?" asked Sanae. "I understand that he's angry, but it still seems a bit harsh."

Sanae, ever the gentle soul.

**"You want me to stand at attention for a week?"**

"Hey, it's an echo."

**"You know, you don't sound very grateful,"** **Church said. "This is the most important job at the whole base! You're gonna be right there with the flag!"**

"Wait a sec...," mumbled Marisa, tilting her head contemplatively.

**"What's so important about the flag?"**

**"Aw, come on! Don't they teach you guys anything in training?"**

"Probably how to be an idiot," stated Alice, giggling into the palm of her hand.

**"They didn't tell us anything about a flag. Why is it so important?"**

**"Because it's the flag, man, you know! It's-It's the flag! It's... Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important."**

**"Well... it's... it's complicated!"** **Tucker tried to explain. "Uh... It's blue, we're blue."**

"Oh kami on a motorcycle and Buddha in the side car," cursed Sanae in realization, her eyes widening.

**"It's just important, okay? Trust us,"** **Church finished.**

\- Red -

\- Blue -

\- Flag -

Everyone's jaw dropped.

\- Capture the motherf*cking Flag -

"THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS BULLSHIT... IS TO CAPTURE A FUCKING FLAG?!"

* * *

\- Somewhere somewhere -

Yukari, who was just getting comfortable again, yelped, as this time the entire couch fell over from the shockwave, burying her under it.

* * *

"Who is running this army?!" yelled Reimu in disgust. "And why would anyone even join it willingly?!"

"This is terrible," whimpered Sanae, tearing up.

"I could understand it if it would run by restrictions similar to our 'Spell Card Rules'," agreed Alice, her expression grim. "But from the looks of it, they're using real-life ammunition and weaponry. Someone could actually die by this."

"This is absolutely, completely, fucking NUTS," summarized Marisa what they're all thinking.

**"So when the general comes by , the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag," Church continued.**

**"Right," Tucker added.**

**"So just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him."**

**Without any other choice, Caboose turned around and jogged towards the base, but stopped after a few paces, and turned around.** **"Uh, how will I know when I see him?"**

**"There's only three of us out here, rookie. He's going to be a guy that doesn't look like one of us," answered Tucker.**

"I can already see were this is going," sighed Alice.

**"Now get in there, and don't come out!" Church ordered and then turned to Tucker. "Man, that guy is dumber than you are!"**

**"You mean he's dumber than you are!"**

**"Wow, Tucker. That was a great comeback," Church said sarcastically.**

"Jeez, even Cirno could probably think of something better," joked Marisa.

**"Uh, Mr. Church? Sir?**"** Caboose called from the base's entrance.**

**"Oh. My. God. WHAT!?" He turned to Tucker.** **"Tucker, I swear, I'm gonna kill him."**

**"S-Sorry about calling you girl a slut."**

"You're forgiven," smiled Sanae gently, happy that at least one of the soldiers seemed like a decent person.

Stupid, but decent.

**"ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! GET IN THERE!"** **Church shouted back.**

And the mood was ruined. Again.

**Cue Tucker turning around and trying to hide his laughter.**

**"Tucker? Are you laughing at me?" Church asked, clearly annoyed, turning around to face him.**

**The perfect moment for Donut to finally show up.**

**"Excuse me, sir? Can I ask you a question?"**

**"Dear god in heaven, rookie. If I turn around, and you are not inside... I can't be held responsible for what I'm going to do to you!" Church threatened, not even bothering to turn around.**

"Gotta love the classics," smirked Reimu, with Marisa nodding in agreement.

**"What did I do?"**

**"ONE!"**

**"Aw, give me a break!"**

**"TWO!"**

**"FINE!" Donut replied angrily, before jogging into the base, appearing in front of Caboose… and the flag.**

"That's exactly what I expected," groaned Alice, facepalming.

**"Wow! You got here fast!"**

"He thinks he's the general," noted Sanae.

**"Why is everybody so freakin' rude in this canyon?"**

"Certainly not because of the ungodly amount of love, piece and tolerance there."

**"I'm not, sir! What can I do for ya?"**

**"Finally! Someone with a little respect around here!"**

**"Yes, sir! I assume you're here because of this,"** **said Caboose, motioning to the flag.**

**"Wait, is this all you have?"**

**"Uh, yes sir! That's it!"**

**"Aw man! This figures. Shit. What about elbow grease?"**

**"Um..."**

**"Headlight fluid?"**

"And Private Cupcake still thinks he's at the store," commented Marisa, whirling her hat on her left index finger.

**"Nope. All we have is the flag."**

**"Well, I can't go back empty handed. I guess I'll take that."**

**"Sure... that makes sense... I guess," agreed Caboose, uncertainly.**

**"Man, they're going to give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag," Donut moaned as he grabbed the flag and jogged off.**

"And they won the war through stupidity," commented Alice. "Why am I not surprised?"

* * *

**\- The scene changed back to Church and Tucker outside -**

**"Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this bad boy out for a spin! Go ahead and hop in Tucker."**

"Yeah, let us see the tank in action!" cheered Marisa, before she noticed Alice raising the rolled-up newspaper again.

"... I'll be good..."

**"Me? I can't drive that thing!"**

"What?!"

**"You're telling me you're not armour-certified?!"**

**"I don't even know how to use the fuckin' sniper rifle!"**

"Then why do you even want it in the fist place?" wondered Sanae.

**"Don't you know how to drive that?"**

**"NO! Holy CRAP! WHO IS RUNNING THIS ARMY!?"** **Church cried to the heavens in frustration and disbelief.**

"THAT'S WHAT WE WANT TO KNOW!"

**"Hey!"** **yelled Caboose, as he stepped out of the base. "Just wanted to let you know! The general stopped by and picked up the flag!"**

**"YEAH! OK! WHATEVER, MORON!" Church called back, before continuing his rant. "Why would they give us a tank if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing?"**

"Why would they give you a base and weapons in the first place?" asked Reimu, still irritated by this whole situation.

**Then the words of the rookie finally catched up to him. "... Wait a second. What did he just say?" he asked as the screen went black.**

* * *

**Character Introduction**

Name: **Cirno**

Race: Youkai (Fairy)

Age: implied to be over 60 years

Occupation: None

Eyes: Blue

Hair: Aqua

Special Features: She has six icicle-shaped wings

Title: Ice Fairy of the Lake

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Manipulation of Ice

Notes:

Cirno is an ice fairy, who brags to be _'the strongest there is'_. Which is partially true, if one considers the power level of an average fairy. She's rather immature and incompetent, as you might expect from her child-like appearance.

She's also physics-defyingly stupid. No really, she's an idiot.


	6. S1E5 - The Package is in the Open

**Season 01 / Episode 05: The Package is in the Open**

**\- On top of the Blue Base –**

**"Let me get this straight," Church started. "You gave this guy _our flag_?!"**

**"Is that bad?"**

**"'Bad'? Oh no, that's not 'bad'. Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole goddamn base?!"**

"Yikes, someone's pissed," stated Marisa, grinning with malicious joy.

"Well, what did you expect?" countered Reimu. "They probably spent months guarding that stupid flag and the new guys hands it over to the enemy on his first day. I were in his shoes, I would be pretty miffed, too."

**Watching over the canyon, Tucker spotted Donut, jogging away with the flag. "There! There he is!"**

**"Where?"** **Church asked as he pulled out his sniper rifle, looking through the scope.** **"Oh, yeah! Oh, I got him! He's sneakin' around back behind the cliffs."**

**"He must be one smart son of a bitch."**

"Debatable," disagreed Alice, while Marisa made a so-so gesture.

* * *

**\- With Donut -**

**"Aw man, I am so freakin' lost," he said aloud, wandering around aimlessly. "Where the hell is the base?"**

"Case in point."

* * *

**\- Back to the Blues –**

**"Oh shit," groaned Church. "Hey Tucker, look at his armour. It's red."**

**"Aw man! That means it's their sergeant!"**

"Honestly, I can't even blame him for that one," mumbled Reimu.

Sanae nodded her head. "Yeah, two people with the same armour colour? I would be confused, too," she pointed her hand at the TV. "That's why I said Mr. Donut's armour should be green instead!"

**"Well, that makes sense. At least know we know how he got by our defences."**

"And what defences would that be?" joked Reimu. "Three morons and a tank no one can use?"

**"Uh, you know, he came in the back door where you guys were standing,"** **interjected Caboose.**

"Compared to those two, China is the epitome of vigilance," laughed Marisa.

* * *

\- Scarlet Devil Mansion –

With a sneeze, the red-haired guard in question woke up, looking around drowsily, before her eyes opened wide and she dropped on her butt with a startled yelp. Just in time to dodge a barrage of knives, courtesy of the angry SDM's head maid.

* * *

**"Yeah, ok, well let's take him out then," said Tucker eagerly, ignoring Caboose.**

**"Roger that," said Church, looking through the scope. "Okay. Say goodnight, Sarge."**

"Well, they are at war. I suppose this was inevitable," said Sanae in a sad tone, clearly bracing herself to see the inevitable...

Church fired exactly four shots from the rifle... and hit nothing but air.

* * *

**"Son of a bitch!"** **Donut exclaimed as he ducked down.**

* * *

"... I guess I should be glad that Donut is fine?"

"Aren't they supposed to be soldiers?" asked Reimu in disbelief.

**"Aw, crap,"** **Church cursed, as he lowered his weapon. He then turned to Tucker, who was just staring at him. "What?"**

**"You're REALLY not very good with that thing, are you?"**

"Yeah, no kidding."

* * *

**\- Donut -**

**"HEY IT'S ME! DON'T SHOOT! I'M THE GUY THAT BOUGHT THE FLAG, REMEMBER!?"**

* * *

**\- Blue Base -**

**"Oh great, now he's taunting us. That's just embarrassing," deadpanned Tucker.**

"What's embarrassing is Church's shitty aim!" exclaimed Marisa. "For fuck's sake, he didn't even graze him!"

**"Alright, that's it! I've had it!" declared Church, agitated. "Rookie, you stay here! Me and Tucker, we'll take the teleporter, we'll cut him off at the pass!" he ordered, as he walked over to a device that looked like a glowing green portal.**

"It's 'Tucker and me'," corrected Alice automatically.

"Forget that," said Marisa excitedly, waving her hand. "They have teleporters?!"

**"Right!"** **replied Caboose.**

**"Tucker, you ready? Let's go!"**

**"There is no way I'm going through that thing."**

**"Tucker, we don't have time for this! Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?"**

Marisa deflated and groaned. "Let me guess: It ISN'T actually working, is it?"

**"I don't know! Why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?"**

"A fair point," commented Alice.

**"We already tested the teleporter, remember?"**

**"We threw rocks through it!"**

"I don't think that counts as 'testing'," said Sanae, worried.

**"Yeah and, so what? The rocks came out the other side, didn't they?"**

**"Yeah, but they were all hot and covered with black stuff."**

"Maybe they just turned it up too high?" asked Reimu in an amused tone.

**"Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about then? You're afraid of a little black stuff?"**

**"Yes! I am! I am afraid of black stuff."**

**"Tucker, I almost hate to do this to you,"** **Church said as he pulled out a rifle and aimed it at Tucker.**

"Okay, stop. Where the fuck did he pulled that from? His ass?" wondered Marisa aloud.

**"You wouldn't."**

"No, he totally would," smirked Reimu, understanding his position all to well.

Marisa shuddered as a cold shiver ran down her spine.

**"You know, I look at this way. Either A, we go through there and get the flag back. Or B, we stay here and I get to kill you. Either way, I win."**

Reimu had a dreamy expression on her face, while Marisa was now sweating profusely.

**"... For the record, I want you to know, rocks aren't people."**

**"Duly noted. Now get in there."**

"Please stay safe," prayed Sanae silently. He may be a pervert, but she still doesn't want to see him gone like that.

**"Crap," Tucker moaned as he stepped in front of the teleporter. "Alright. One! Two!" He then dashed inside, disappearing from sight.**

Everyone leaned forward in expectation.

**The view zoomed to a second device in the middle of the canyon, also glowing with a green light. Church and Caboose both looked out in the distance at it... to find Tucker wasn't coming out. The two of them stared for a few seconds.**

**Silence.**

**"... Huh. He didn't come out the other side."**

**"Yeah... I've, uh... I've decided I'm not going to use the teleporter."**

"Smart choice," agreed Marisa, before looking at Sanae. "... Huh?"

"You don't think he's actually...?" whimpered the green-haired shrine maiden, but Reimu waved her off.

"Don't worry. When there is one thing I have learned by hanging around with Marisa, than it is that idiots ALWAYS pull through somehow."

"Yeah San-chan! Listen to... hey, wait a sec!"

**Church hopped off the base and started to run. "Okay rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!"**

* * *

**The scene then changed to Red Base, with Grif looking through his own sniper rifle, with Simmons standing next to him.**

**"I still have no idea what you're talking about. I didn't hear any shots."**

**Grif sighed. "I'm telling you, it was four shots. Like 'Bam! Bam! Bam!'"**

**"Wait a second, that's only three 'bams'."**

Reimu rolled her eyes. "Smart ass."

**"'Bam'," Grif added, annoyed. "Wait a second," he looked over the canyon. "We've got a blue guy on the move out there!"**

**"Where's he headed?"**

**Grif moved the rifle and caught sight of Donut. "Oh, Crap! It's... it's Donut. And he's got something. It looks like...," he trailed off as he zoomed in and saw exactly what Donut was holding. He then turned to Simmons. "Simmons," he began in an uncharacteristically serious voice. "Get the Warthog."**

**"You mean the Puma?"**

**"Yeah, keep making jokes. That'll win the war."**

* * *

"Looks like we're finally getting some action," grinned Marisa. "Bring in the violence!"

Alice looked at the now shaking Sanae, then stared accusingly at Marisa. "Do you ever think about what you say before you say it?"

"Why should I? Nobody pays me to think."

"... Nobody pays you at all, you don't have any employment," the blonde puppeteer responded. "In fact, have you ever had a legal job?"

"Once, when I was thirteen."

"And what happened?"

"Got fired. Claimed he saw me stealing. Which I didn't."

"Marisa," interjected Reimu. "We know you too well to..."

"No seriously, I actually wasn't stealing anything. He fired me on a hunch because he lost a few cabbages or something," Marisa whirled her hat around. "From that point on, I thought 'Why should I make the effort of coming clean and getting a job when people just fire me on baseless accusations anyway?'"

"Wow...," commented Sanae, tearing-up again.

"Joke was on him though; he had to close down his stand a month later because someone kept breaking his stock. And hey, the current gig I have is the greatest. No contract hours, pay is whatever I want, I can call over my friends and nobody will yell at me, I can come to work high or drunk and nobody bats an eyelid..."

Alice stared at Marisa, again. "You have the strange quality, where you can make people empathise with you and maybe give you the benefit of the doubt, and then you proceed to piss away all that good will with the next thing you say."

Marisa shrugged. "I'm an acquired taste. Like beer. Or cabbages."

* * *

**Character Introduction**

Name: **Sakuya Izayoi**

Race: (Probably) Human

Age: Mid-teens

Occupation: Head Maid of the Scarlet Devil Mansion

Eyes: Dark Blue

Hair: Silver

Special Features: She wears a blue and white French maid outfit with a short skirt and knife holster

Title: The Perfect and Elegant Maid

Special Abilities: Knife Mastery, Manipulation of Time and Space

Notes:

Sakuya Izayoi is the head maid at the Scarlet Devil Mansion and is extremely loyal to the mistress, Remilia Scarlet. Although she is the leader of the maids, she usually has to do all of the work herself, as the fairy maids are completely useless. She also helps resolve incidents (usually only those pertaining to the mansion) alongside Reimu and Marisa.

Sakuya can manipulate the flow of time - she can slow it, accelerate it, erase it or even stop it. She can also compress the flow of time to make both past and future to exist at the same time, making the same object from different timelines be in many places simultaneously (mainly her beloved knifes).

As space is linked to time, Sakuya can manipulate space as well - she can shrink and increase distances, and through her power, increased the size of the Scarlet Devil Mansion while making it look smaller on the outside.


	7. S1E6 - 1,21 Giga-Whatts?

**Season 01 / Epsisode 06: 1,21 Giga-Whatts?**

**Church jogged up to Donut, his rifle at the ready. The teleporter exit meanwhile was right between them.**

**"Freeze!"**

**"Hey, why the hell were you shooting at me!?" Donut asked angrily. "You could've hit me, dick!"**

"That was the plan, dude," laughed Marisa.

**"Can it! Don't try and play stupid with me, Sarge. I know who you are. We've been spying on you for three weeks now."**

"Truly, such an efficient use of time and resources," taunted Alice. "I wonder why he didn't just shoot them first chance he got. Oh, right~. I guess I have my answer now~."

**"I just got here two hours ago, and I'm not a sergeant, I'm a private."**

**"Wait a minute, you're not the sergeant!"** **yelled Church in realization.**

"Took him long enough," said Reimu.

**"Yeah, that's what I just said."**

**"Well the how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?!"**

"By the most devious of acts," Sanae joked. "He asked!" The others giggled at her remark.

**"'Steal?' I have no idea what the hell you're talking about!"**

**Suddenly, a figure with black armour appeared from the teleporter exit.**

**"THREE!"**

**"JESUS!" cursed Church.**

**"HOLY SHIT!" joined Donut in.**

"Huh, so he lives after all...," Reimu exclaimed, nudging the relieved Sanae. "Looks like the teleporter has a bit of a delay."

"Urgh, I really hate it when people just burst in from nowhere," complained Marisa, earning a glare from a green-haired shrine maiden. "What?"

* * *

\- Earlier -

"WHAT THE FUCK?! GET OUT!"

Reimu and Alice winced at the ruckus coming from the bathroom, it sounded like someone took a rather nasty fall, followed by breaking glass and Sanae shouting surprisingly creative obscenities the whole time.

Marisa ducked back out the doorway before turning back around. "Oh, calm your tits! You are overreacting! It's not like I haven't already... eep!" Marisa yelped and ducked just in time as a large bottle of shampoo whizzed over her head. "I just wanted to bring you some fresh clothes...," the witch shrieked and slammed the door shut just as something collided into the other side with considerable force.

* * *

Marisa blew an errant strand of blonde hair out of her face. "I still find that you overreacted a little bit."

"I didn't have any clothes on!" Sanae shouted back.

"I don't see what the big deal is. I already saw _every little detail_ earlier."

"THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY BETTER! If anything, that makes it worse!"

"Well excuse me for not knowing you were so self-effacing, princess!"

"Then consider yourself educated, because next time I'm just going to blast you!"

"I don't think you will. You need me," Marisa challenged teasingly.

"Keep pushin' it then. We'll find out together."

**"Who is this guy?"** **asked Donut.**

**"What in the hell!? Tucker? Is that you?"**

**"How did you get up here ahead of me?" wondered Tucker in confusion.**

**"And what's with all that black shit on your armour?"**

"Is that soot?" asked Alice.

**"Hey! Freeze Sarge!"** **Tucker ordered, pointing a small gun at Donut.**

**"Would you stop calling me a sergeant? I'm still just a private!"**

**"The Sarge is still a private? Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time!"**

"Really? That's the conclusion you came to?" face-palmed Reimu.

* * *

**\- Red Base -**

**Grif climbed into the driver's seat of the Warthog, while Simmons took the gunner position. Lopez just watched.**

**"Bye, Lopez. We need the jeep."**

**"I'll take gunner," Simmons said as he took position. Polka-like music came from the radio. "Let's roll."**

**"How do you turn off the fucking radio?" Grif asked as he drove off.**

"Well it's... catchy?" said Sanae in an unsure tone.

Marisa covered her ears. "That music is so LAME!"

"It is not THAT bad," countered her fellow blonde, actually liking the tune.

Reimu shrugged. "I guess it has a certain appeal."

**"Don't worry, Lopez! I'll bring her back in one piece!" Simmons called back.**

"And he jinxed it," Marisa groaned in despair.

* * *

**\- Back with Tucker, Church and Donut -**

**"Look, I know you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Sometime in your future, I get stationed here in Blood Gulch and we meet. And this guy here, he gets promoted to sergeant of the Red Army and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep and I'm all like 'There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank'!"**

**"Tucker... what the fuck are you babbling about?"**

"He still thinks he's in the future," sighed Reimu.

"Still pissed about the 'chick' remark," growled Marisa. "Damn pervert."

"Why are you so angry about it anyway?" questioned Alice, rubbing her temple.

"Yeah, you're just as bad," accused Sanae the witch.

"It's just how you show affection! Besides, we're all girls here anyway."

The others simply grumbled in annoyance.

**"I know all this sounds crazy, but eventually he becomes a sergeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals our flag while we're distracted!" Tucker continues.**

**"Is this guy a retard?" Donut asked.**

"Jury's still out," Reimu quipped, getting snickers from the rest of the group.

"Rumours had it that the vote is unanimous," Alive added.

**"Red, shut up," Church ordered. "Tucker, listen to me. You haven't gone back in time, okay? This is the guy who stole our flag, he's just not the sergeant," he continued to explain as a familiar sounding music began to grow louder… and closer. "Turns out, he's just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same colour armour as him. He got in somehow, just… FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!?"**

**As if in response, the Warthog came in flying over the hill, catching some impressive air time while doing so.**

"Fuck yes! Dukes of Hazzard style!" cheered Marisa, getting confused stares from the others, especially from the former outsider.

"How do you even know that reference?" asked Sanae. "Also, I thought you hate that music?"

"Who cares about the small stuff?" countered Marisa. "We should definitely invest in our own theme music! Image how awesome that would be!"

**"Woohoo!" yelled Simmons.**

**"HOLY SHIT!" Tucker exclaimed.**

**"SON OF A BITCH!" Church shouted, as they both began to sprint away. "RUN, JESUS, RUN!"**

**"The jeep followed me back in time!"**

"No, it didn't!"

**"GET SOME!" Simmons shouted as he began firing the gun at the Blues, unleashing a hail of machine gun fire upon them.**

**"Ow! Git! Ow! Git! Ow, ow!" Church shouted as the hail of bullets just barely missed him and Tucker while they sprinted up the cliff.**

**"What the hell is going on here?" Grif asked Donut as he got out of the jeep, while Simmons hurled more bullets and insults at the blues:**

**"That's right! That's right, I got your ass! Get off your ass and run, you cock bites! Right now! Yeah, not so pretty when you gotta run are you! Yeah, that's right! Stay there! You know where your flag is? We're gonna get you! Come on! Don't be a wimp! Come on, Blue! Come on, get out there! I've got a whole barrel of love to shoot you with! Come on! Get out now! Yeah, come on out! I know you like this! Come out where I can get you! Come on! Don't be a wimp! Come on, Blue! Be tough, get out there!"**

"Wow," whistled Marisa. "For a brown-nose, he sure knows how to shit talk." She raised her thump. "I approve!"

**"You know what? I honestly have no idea what's going on. I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane," Donut replied.**

"I feel your pain," the safe keeper and trouble solver of Gensokyo sighed.

**"How did you get their flag?"**

**"I don't know. I just asked for it."**

**"Wait, that worked?!"**

**"I guess. Is it not supposed to?"**

**"I don't know, we never even thought to try that."**

"I'd give you some credit for following basic logic, but clearly logic is in short supply in this canyon," smirked Alice.

**"Just take the flag to the base, I'll explain there."**

**"Not until someone tells me what the fuck is go-"**

**"There's no time to explain, rookie! Just take the flag and go to base! I'll explain everything there!"**

**"Fine!" Donut groaned, before picking up the flag and running off.**

**"Back to our base, dumbass!"**

**"Uh, I know. I just got turned around, that's all," Donut replied, trying to play it off as he turned around and ran the other way.**

"Smooth," grinned Reimu.

* * *

**\- Blue Base –**

**Caboose observed the situation through the sniper rifle.**

**"Oh man... that's not good. Oh my god, that jeep has a really big gun," he lowered the rifle. "Stay here," he turned around. "Tank," he turned back. "Stay here," he turned again. "Tank."**

"Oh, for the love of... STOP TEASING ME AND USE THE FUCKING TANK!" yelled Marisa.

**"Aw, screw it," Caboose said as he began to sprint towards the vehicle.**

"YES!" cheered the magician, before feeling the now familiar pain of a newspaper hitting her head.

"Ouch!"

* * *

**\- Cue to Church and Tucker -**

**Both were now hiding behind a rock, while the fire from the machine gun continued to make holes in the canyon wall next to them.**

**"Well, we'll just wait here. That thing's gotta run out of bullets sometime," Church reasoned.**

* * *

As the episode ended, the girls all stood up and stretched their aching limbs.

While Alice and Sanae went to the kitchen to make more tea and snacks, the remaining two stayed at the table.

Suddenly, there was a loud knock on the door.

"Who can that be at this time?" wondered Reimu. "Hey Marisa, go answer the door."

"Why me?" complained the witch.

"Because this is my house and you're freeloading. Now move your ass."

Grumbling, Marisa stood up and walked out of the room. There was the sound of an opening door, some arguing, a crash and a closing door.

Marisa walked back in.

"Who was it," asked Reimu, holding her head in the palms of her hands.

"Just an annoying crow."

"... Aya?" asked Reimu.

"Yeah, she was here," Marisa confirmed casually. "Wanted to know what all our yelling was about. Oddly enough, she suddenly recalled a pressing engagement and had to fly away," she explained. "Very sad."

"You chased her off somehow, didn't you?" Reimu sighed.

"Me?! Pfft! Come on now... maybe."

"Don't be mean. She probably heard our yelling earlier (just like the rest of Gensokyo), got worried about us and came here to help," Sanae chimed in from the kitchen.

"Yeah, sure. Also, she did... she helped marvellously by flying away."

"You are impossible," complained Reimu.

"I learned it from watching you," grinned Marisa in response.

* * *

\- Meanwhile -

"I'll be back!" Aya Shameimaru's voice disappeared in the distance.


	8. A Crow and Tattoos

[Love Sign "Master Spark"].

Marisa's signature attack. Capable of matching, and even cancelling, the sheer destructive power of the [Gungnir] itself.

So getting hit by it hurts.

A lot, actually.

And the kinetic force behind it alone can level a building with minor difficulty.

Long story short, after Aya's impromptu air time ended, it was to no ones surprise that she hit the ground face-first, each of her limbs pointing in a different cardinal direction.

Not exactly the classiest of landings.

Bottom line? Avoid getting Master Spark-ed in the face.

* * *

"... Aya? Are... are you okay?" Sanae finally asked. "Aya?"

"Grbmbtflgggggh."

"Oh, dear."

"I think she means 'yes'," Marisa said, arching an eyebrow. "Hey stalker crow, you mean 'yes', right?"

"Grbmbtflgggggh."

"Good."

After Sanae and Alice gave Marisa a throughout reprimanding, they went out to look for the self-appointed star reporter to confirm that she's still alive.

Which led to the current situation.

"Oh, dear," Sanae repeated, biting her lip and taking a step towards the tengu, who still hadn't moved at all. "I think she broke something. What do we do?"

"You're exaggerating," Marisa waved a hand. "She's all right!"

"Grbmbtflgggggh."

"See? She agrees with me," Marisa shrugged and started to look for something in her pockets. "Let her be, she'll get better eventually."

"I don't know. I think we should at least move her," Alice moved her head close to Aya's. "I'm not really sure if she can, well, breathe."

Reimu leaned in, too. "Her face is completely flat against the ground," she noticed.

"Yes, yes, sure," Marisa licked her lips, still searching for something. "Just don't... ah!" The corners of her mouth went up in huge grin. "I found it!"

"Oh?" Alice turned around. "You found what?"

"This!"

With a pompous swift and a flip of her hair, the ordinary magician revealed what was now on her hand: a small gourd.

"... Is that... sake?"

"Sake," Marisa confirmed.

"... You can't be serious," deadpanned Reimu.

"You know nothing about medicine."

"Grbmbtflgggggh."

"And Aya thinks the same!"

Reimu found herself massaging the space between her eyes again. "The only one who can jump right back into action by alcohol is you. And the onis."

"Grbmbtflgggggh."

"... Amazing contribution to the argument, Aya."

"Alright. Alright," Sanae covered her entire face with her hands. "I'm just going to carry her..."

*Thump*

The four girls looked over to the downed tengu. Aya didn't roll over gracefully... instead, she did it with the grace of a sack of potatoes tumbling, but at least her face wasn't pressing against the ground anymore.

The girls closed their mouths and approached Aya once they saw her eyes. There was no sign of her pupils or irises... there was only white.

"Hmm," Marisa tapped her chin a few times. "I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing."

"Bad," Alice said. "Definitely bad."

Marisa shrugged. "If you say so. Hey, can you hear us?"

When Aya answered, her voice was but a whisper, softer than the wind blowing through a flower garden. "Everything I see and feel is pain in my face," she moaned.

"Sounds good to me!"

*WHACK*

"YEOWTCH!"

"There's nothing in this world but pain..."

"I'm pretty sure she's not well," Reimu said to the witch, which was now nursing the bump on her head.

"... And that pain is in my face."

Marisa frowned. "Hmm. Maybe she's feeling a little down..."

"All of it. Well, there's a little bit of pain in my back too, but I'm mostly talking about my face here."

Reimu sighed. "Momiji is going to kill me..."

* * *

\- Later -

Once they reached the Hakurei Shrine, Aya, thanks to her superhuman physical abilities, had recovered enough to confront Marisa.

It seems she was still a little upset about the whole 'blast me in the face and sent me flying 200 metres' thing.

She placed her hands onto Marisa's shoulders, gripping her tightly as she stared deeply into her eyes.

"I can't believe you're still mad about this," muttered Marisa.

"WELL I AM!" snapped the tengu. The rest of the group just entered the shrine and sat at the table, watching the argument from a safe distance.

"I came here as fast as I could after hearing all of you scream, just to check if you're okay. And HOW do you thank me?!"

"Yeah, you came here out of the goodness of your heart, alright" deadpanned Marisa.

"Don't interrupt me!" growled the reporter, shaking the witch. "At least tell me what happened here so I can write about it!"

"So you admit coming here for you stupid newspaper!"

"Answer the question!"

Marisa looked at the others, who simply sighed in response.

* * *

\- Later again -

"Let me watch, and write an article about it, and we are square."

Reimu raise a single eyebrow. "And why should I agree to this? It's not my fault you got blasted. Just kick Marisa, that always makes me feel better."

"Hey!"

"You know, all of Gensokyo heard you~," Aya smiled devilishly. "First thing in the morning, there're all coming here to see what happened. But when they can read it from me insteat, you might be spared~."

"Fuck," cursed Reimu, realizing that she was trapped. "Fine, be my guest," she sighed. "Looks like we have to re-watch some episodes..."

* * *

\- Later, after Aya caught up with the others -

**The screen zoomed in to Grif and Church, standing next to each other, facing the camera.**

**"Hi, how ya doin'? My name is Private L. L. Church, and I'm one of the actors on the popular web series 'Red vs. Blue'," Church introduced himself.**

**"And I'm Private Dexter Grif, from the same show."**

"Hey, aren't they supposed to fight each other?" asked Aya, scratching her head.

"I don't think this is a normal episode," commented Sanae. "It sounds more like some kind of special announcement."

"Then let's see what they want to talk about," said Alice with a hint of interest in her voice.

**"But you know what? We are not here today to talk to you as world famous actors, who also happen to be, you know, very good looking,"** **Church ******continued**.**

"Now I'm really interested how Reimu's boyfriend looks like," grinned Marisa. Said miko grumbled, while Sanae and Alice giggled. Aya just blinked in confusion.

**"That's right! We're here today to tell you how to run your life,"** **Grif added.**

"I wouldn't trust any advice from these two," claimed Alice, trying to act casually.

**"You know, a lot of you out there are probably considering getting a tattoo. Or as the young people like to call it, a 'tat'."**

**"Or, adding a tattoo to your already impressive collection."**

**"So today we present to you, a very special 'Point/Counterpoint' edition of Red vs. Blue."**

**"Should you get a tattoo?"** **Grif finished.**

**Above them a tag popped up, stating: 'Point/Counterpoint. Should You Get A Tattoo?'**

"Wow, looks like they put a lot of thought into this," stated Sanae, intrigued.

"Yes, this could be actually rather informative," Alice agreed silently, despite herself.

"I will never get one," said Marisa, getting surprised looks from the others. "What?"

"Nothing," answered Reimu. "We just didn't expected that you actually do some thinking before you're doing, or in this case not doing, something."

"Hey, I resent that!" yelled Marisa. "Besides," she stood up and made a pose. "I would never tarnish this embodiment of natural beauty and grace by adding something like tramp stamps!"

The others decided to simply roll their eyes.

"_The 'Wicked Witch' of 'The Forest of Magic' gets a wicked tattoo,"_ Aya thought aloud.

"You suck at head lines!" Marisa grumbled, sitting back down.

**The camera focused in on Church, while a textbox appeared beneath him, reading: 'Pvt. L. L. Church: Counterpoint.'**

**"I think it's quite clear that you should not get a tattoo. And I can sum up my points in this very elegant, but simple, bulleted list," Church started.**

* * *

_**\- Church's Bulleted List -**_

* * *

**"Number one: Tattoos are permanent."**

* * *

**_\- Church's Bulleted List -_**

**_\- Tattoos are permanent_**

* * *

"Not if they're magical," countered Alice. "Or if you remove them with magic. Both methods work."

"Or you can simply rip the limb in question of," Aya added absentmindedly.

Everyone starred at her.

"What? That's how Remilia got rid of hers," defended the tengu. "It grew right back anyway."

"Remilia had a tattoo?" asked a surprised Reimu. "How the fuck did that happened?"

"DOES ANYONE READ MY NEWSPAPER?!"

"Do you really want me to answer that question?"

**"Number two: You are a god damn idiot."**

* * *

_**\- Church's Bulleted List -**_

_**\- Tattoos are permanent**_

_**\- You are a god damn idiot**_

* * *

"Now he's insulting us. Great job of convincing us, ya jackass" Reimu snarked.

**"And I'd like to prove this mathematically if I may. Take your current age. Now subtract ten years from it. Were you smart back then? Of course you weren't! You were a god damn idiot!"**

* * *

**_\- Church's Bulleted List -_**

**_\- Tattoos are permanent_**

**_\- You are a god damn idiot_**

**_\- Red sucks. Blue rules._**

* * *

"And of course he had to add that one," chuckled Sanae.

**"Fact of the matter is, you're just as big an idiot today, it's just gonna take you ten more years to realize it," he continued as the list disappeared. "Now think if you'd drawn a picture on your body ten years ago. Would you be happy with it today? Chances are, you wouldn't be."**

"I actually agree with that statement, just not that mess of logic that lead to it," mused Alice.

**The camera then changed to Grif: 'Pvt. Dexter Grif: Counter-Counterpoint.'**

**"Unless it was cool. Which brings me to my main point: Tattoos are cool."**

* * *

**_\- Designs to Avoid -_**

* * *

**"As long as you avoid the following rookie mistakes, you'll be just fine. The barb wire ring."**

**The title was replaced by a line of barbed wire.**

**"Nothing says 1998 quite like a barb wire ring around your bicep. You'll look like a defensive lineman, and if you get the tattoo, you're probably about as smart as one."**

"And probably have to compensate for something," grinned Marisa, wiggling her eyebrows in a suggestive manner. Sanae blushed, while the other groaned. Aya meanwhile made some notes:

"_Witch with attitude: Sexually frustrated?"_

"Don't you dare to publish this!"

**"The band logo. Any band logo."**

**This time the barbed wire was replaced by three unique and very stylized fonts reading _'Scorpions', 'Milli Vanilli'_ and _'Metallica'._**

**"Think about it: The only pop star to remain cool for more than ten years was Madonna, and you're not fooling anybody by getting a tattoo of her."**

**"Right," Church agreed.**

"Who's Madonna?" asked Marisa.

"No one you would be interested in. Believe me," Sanae giggled.

**"Lastly, and most importantly, are the tribal designs and the asian character," Grif continued, the band logos had been replaced by a symmetric design that looked like spread wings and an asien symbol.**

**"No one gets it! Let's be honest, you don't either. Someone had to explain it to you, and you have no idea if they were even telling you the truth."**

Sanae snorted, stifling a laugh.

"Hey, what's so funny all of a sudden?" Reimu asked.

"I'm sorry, I just remembered something I saw back when I was still in the Outside World," giggled Sanae. "During a field trip to Germany, I saw someone who had a shirt with a kanji on it. I asked him if he knew what it meant and he said it meant 'courage'."

"What did it actually say?" asked Alice in anticipation.

"It read: 'I have a- I have a big-'!" she started laughing, unable to finish her sentence.

Luckily, everyone understood almost immediately... and bursted out laughing, too.

"Seriously!? He was walking around with a shirt that said that and he had no idea!?" Marisa asked through her fits of laughter.

**"So, avoid these simple pitfalls, and a tattoo can be a wonderful, and rewarding experience... except for the pain."**

**"It's at this time that I would like to point out that our friend Private Grif here has a tattoo on his neck, his neck, in plain sight where anyone can see it, from the movie 'Blade' starring Wesley Snipes, right? It's 'Blade', not 'Blade 2'?"**

**"Actually, it's from the... comic book,"** **Grif admitted with some embarrassment.**

**"Yeah, that's great. I'm sure your boyfriend loves it."**

"Hah! Burn!" Aya taunted.

**Grif sighed. "In closing, be sure to choose wisely when getting a tattoo. Don't repeat my mistakes."**

**"Right, listen. If I can't stop you from getting a tattoo, at least let me offer a good suggestion for a design. How about this: Why not get a tattoo of your favourite character from your favourite online cartoon?"**

**An image of _'Strong Bad'_ appeared on screen.**

Giggling.

**"I meant your other favourite online cartoon,"** **Church angrily added.**

**The image changed one with the hosts of _'Penny Arcade'_.**

Laughter.

**"Okay, you know what? Screw you," Church spat angrily and the screen went black. "I mean seriously, what do I care? Get a tattoo of an M16 in the middle of your forehead. That would give Sarge a boner."**

* * *

**Character Introduction**

Name: **Momiji Inubashiri**

Race: Youkai (White Wolf Tengu)

Age: unknown

Occupation: Patrols and guards the Youkai Mountain

Eyes: Red

Hair: White

Characteristics: She has the tail and the ears of a white wolf

Title: The Petty Patrol Tengu

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Power to see great distances

Notes:

Friend of Aya. Can see up to 2.440 miles.

* * *

Name: **Remilia Scarlet**

Race: Youkai (Vampire)

Age: over 495 years

Occupation: Mistress of the Scarlet Devil Mansion

Eyes: Scarlet

Hair: Blue

Characteristics: Loli vampire with bat wings

Title: Eternally Young Scarlet Moon; Scarlet Devil

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Vampire Magic, Manipulation of Fate

Notes:

Remilia Scarlet is the owner and head of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, the mistress of Sakuya and Meiling, and the older sister (and guardian) of Flandre. Though her appearance (and often behavior) is child-like and seems non-threatening, she has fearsome magical powers and a reputation to match, being known throughout Gensokyo as the dangerous 'Scarlet Devil'. While she is naturally known to drink human blood, her light appetite means her victims almost never die from their wounds.

While her behavior is usually self-centered and somewhat bratty, it is possible to befriend her, however, humans and youkai alike prefer to avoid her. She claims to be a descendant of the world's most notorious vampire, Count Vlad Ţepeş Dracul, but this is a bald-faced lie.

Remilia apparently has the power to manipulate fate, although the specifics of this power have never been explained, since she has never been shown explicitly using it. Flandre implies that she may be able to read the future, but dismisses this as boasting rather than anything concrete.

One of Remilia's spell cards is named after Gungnir, the spear of Odin, described as having the ability to always hit its mark.


	9. S1E7 - Check Out the Treads on that Tank

**Season 01 / Episode 07: Check Out the Treads on that Tank**

"You got some kind of problem with me, ya stalking bitch?"

"Depends, do you have a problem with me, you thieving bitch?"

"Watch what you say, bird brain, or I'll cook you and see what a roasted overgrown crow tastes like," Marisa declared with a dangerous sparkle in her eyes.

"Ha, yeah right. I'll be hovering around you while you flail around like the clumsy fool you are," Aya countered with a smirk, causing the witch to growl as she started to approach her. Marisa pulled her mini-Hakkero out of her pocket, while the wind around Aya started to pick up, encasing her in a whirling vortex of air.

Only for Reimu to appear between them, grabbing their heads and smacking them against each other, knocking both to the ground with a sickening sound.

Back at the table, Alice and Sanae winced.

"If you're going to rip each other a new one, at least do it outside!" snarled the shrine maiden to the moaning heap before her feet.

"But mu-m!~" whined Marisa, rubbing her temple in pain. "Aya was eating MY snacks!"

"Why you little...!" growled Aya in response. "You took my snacks first! Besides, after that stunt you pulled earlier, you have no right to complain about a few lousy manyuu!"

"Both of you, _shut the fuck up_!" interfered an irritated Reimu, quietening the two quarrelling girls. "Either you behave, or I'm trapping you two in a locker to get you past your love-hate standoff!"

Dead silence.

Sanae and Alice starred at the drama in front of them in shock, with the former blushing slightly.

Marisa and Aya jumped back on their feet, putting as much distance between them as possible, their faces heating up as well.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ABOUT 'LOVE'?!" both yelled in unison, pointing at each other.

"By the four winds, what possesses you to believe that I would even want a thing with this tomboy?!"

"What in the everlasting fuck would make you think I would even have an attraction to this sad sack of feathers?!"

Looking back and forth between the two of them, Reimu shrugged. "You two are at each other's throats since forever. So either you two just naturally hate each other, or this is your own way of expressing your attraction. Either way, stuff it, or else."

"She master-sparked me! In the face! Also, 'or else' what?" Aya challenged the shrine maiden, as Marisa looked at her in horror, moving her hands in a waving fashion as she mouthed out 'NO!'.

"Or else I'll ask Sakuya to prepare a romantic dinner for the both of you, with the majority of Gensokyo watching, and you two have no choice but to commence with the date," Reimu's grin grew broader as the pair just looked at her with their mouths gaping in horror.

"Umm... isn't that unethical? Besides, I doubt that you can actually force them to do such a thing," Sanae stated carefully, causing the duo to look at her with hopeful expressions.

Waving a hand at the fellow miko, Reimu snorted. "Who said that_ I_ am the one forcing them?" she grinned. "I'm sure Sakuya and Patchouli, will be thrilled to help me with playing matchmaker. Ain't that right, Marisa?"

As horror retook their expressions, Marisa looked at Aya.

One she might be able to handle. Two if she's rerally lucky. But three who are out for her blood at once?

"Truce?"

Looking back, the tengu held a hand out as well. "Truce."

Sanae and Alice meanwhile were holding each other in fear, while Reimu happily clapped her hands.

Who said you can't solve a problem without violence? Truly, peaceful solutions are the best.

"So, then let us continue, shall we?" she smiled. The others just nodded silently, sweating.

* * *

**The episode started were the last one ended, with Church and Tucker still hiding behind the rock and Simmons firing non-stop at the wall next to them.**

**"... My God, doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?" Church asked.**

"Outside weaponry is quite impressive," commented Alice. "That kind of fire power would make any danmaku battle a living hell. More than usual, I mean."

"That's LUNATIC! Please go EASY on them!" pleaded Sanae.

**"You know, in hindsight, we should've brought the tank,"** **complained Tucker.**

**"Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?"**

**"Yeah, I can see how _hiding behind a rock_ is a much better strategy."**

**"Well, yeah, but... aw man, I guess I gotta give that one to you."**

Alice smirked. "Does anyone else noticed that those two act a lot like Reimu and Marisa?"

"... I can see it," agreed Sanae, ignoring the indignant protests of the two in question.

"Yeah, the grump and the pervert," laughed Aya.

* * *

**\- Blue Base -**

**Cue to Caboose, climbing into the tank.**

"Gotta say," whistled Aya. "I didn't notice earlier, but this is one sexy piece of machinery. If there was ever someone for me, it would be this one."

Reimu deadpanned. "You're in love with the tank now, too? Also, better don't let Momiji hear that."

"I'd send you the wedding invitations, but tomorrow seems like short notice~."

Marisa laughed. "You have good taste, stalker crow!" Then her face darkened. "But this one's mine, got it?"

"We'll see about that, you little burglar!"

They than crumpled to the ground as Reimu's elbows impacted their guts, leaving Alice shaking her head and Sanae giggling.

**As soon as the hatch closed, the tank started to… speak?**

**["Hello, and thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila."]**

"Holy shit, that thing can talk?" asked a befuddled Reimu.

"Hey, don't call her an 'it'!" growled Marisa angrily.

"No comment from you?" asked Sanae the reporter of the group quietly.

"Nah, I don't really care about the tank," answered Aya just as silently, smirking. "I just wanna mess with Marisa."

**"Hello. Shiela. Big tank lady," Caboose replied nervously, clearly not sure how to handle the situation.**

**["Would you like me to run the tutorial program?"]**

**"Oh, that would be very nice. Thank you!"**

"That would at least explain why their command sent them a tank despite no one has a certification" stated Alice, tilting her head. "But I don't think this substitutes actual training."

**["Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion-class tank. Let's begin with some driving."]**

**"Okay,"** **agreed Caboose, as they drove off.**

* * *

**\- With the Reds -**

**Simmons was still firing the machine gun, with Grif standing next to him.**

**"Simmons!" Grif called, but got no response. "SIMMONS!" ****Simmons finally stopped shooting and got off the Warthog.**

**"Man, that thing is loud!" complained the orange soldier.**

"It kind of is," agreed Marisa, picking her left ear with her pinkie.

**"WHAT!?"** **Simmons asked back loudly.**

**Unnoticed by both of them, the tank drove by in the background.**

"How can they miss a seventy ton vehicle driving behind them?" wondered Sanae aloud.

"Maybe they're still a little deaf from the shooting?" suggested Reimu.

**"Come on, let's sneak around the back of the rock and get 'em out."**

**"OKAY!"**

"Yeah, definitely deaf."

**"Keep it down! Jesus! Let's go before the figure out what's going on."**

* * *

**\- Back with Caboose and Sheila -**

**Caboose somehow managed to drive the tank halfway up a boulder.**

**["Now that you've mastered the M808V, let's move on to some of the safety features."]**

The girls couldn't help but laugh at the situation.

"Oh the irony," joked Reimu.

**"No! No, wait! Go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?"**

* * *

**\- Back with Tucker and Church -**

**Church was peeking out behind the rock, noticing that the jeep was seemingly unattended.**

Marisa groaned. "Did they _really_ leave their main weapon completely unattended?"

Alice shrugged. "They're idiots. What did you expect?"

**_"Psst, hey. They stopped firing."_**

**"Why are you whispering?"** **Tucker asked, not even bothering to lower his voice.**

**"Um... I don't know."**

* * *

**\- Cue Grif and Simmons, near the cliff wall -**

**"Aw, crap. I don't think we're gonna be able to get around this way."**

**"Tell me again, uh, why did we get out of the jeep?" Simmons asked, as Sheila rolled up on them from behind.**

"Oh boy," Aya smirked.

**"Well, I guess it was this or sit there and watch you shoot rocks all day long,"** **Grif retorted.**

**"Well, at least that was fun."**

**They both then turned, finally noticing the tank that had stopped only a few yards away.**

**"Ho-ly crap! What in God's name is that thing?" Grif cursed.**

"Wish you had the jeep with now, don't ya?" taunted Marisa the unlucky duo.

* * *

**\- Back to the Blues -**

**"Tucker, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out."**

"Nope, you're really overestimating their intelligence," grinned Aya.

**"No they're not. Look, they left the jeep. They're gone,"** **Tucker insisted, motioning to the still unattended vehicle.**

**"Well... I don't know about this, it seems pretty fishy, but... alright, screw it, let's go get it."**

* * *

**\- And back to the Reds -**

**The scene changed to the targeting system of the tank, focusing in on Grif.**

**"Dude, hold still. I don't think it sees us," Grif said cautiously.**

Reimu laughed. "Did you know that this actually works with Suika?"

"It does?"

"Yeah, as long as she's drunk. Also basically always."

***BEEP***

"What was that?" asked Aya, narrowing her brows.

"The targeting system of Sheila," answered Sanae in dread.

* * *

**Character Introduction**

Name: **Patchouli Knowledge**

Race: Youkai (Magician)

Age: approx. 100 years

Occupation: Librarian of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, Teacher and Scholar

Eyes: Purple

Hair: Purple

Special Features: She's usually accompanied by her familiar Koakuma (a succubus)

Title: The Great, Unmoving Library

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Magic

Notes:

Patchouli Knowledge is a very smart, but anemic and asthmatic magician from the Scarlet Devil Mansion. She spends most of her time in the mansion's library reading and writing magic books. She's capable of very powerful magic of all kinds, using many elements in a single spell, but due to her general poor health she's often unable to recite her spells.

Frenemy with Marisa, since the witch regulary breaks into her library and 'creatively borrows' her magic books.

* * *

Name: **Suika Ibuki**

Race: Youkai (Oni)

Age: over 1.000 years

Occupation: One of the 'Four Devas of the Mountains'

Eyes: Brown

Hair: Ginger

Special Features: She has two large horns at the sides of her head

Title: Little Pandemonic Carnival

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Manipulation of Density

Notes:

Suika, like all oni, possesses a ridiculous amount of strength and loves to drink sake. If she's not currently sleeping off her intoxication, she loves to party and fight, which are also pretty much the same for her.

As one of the strongest oni in Gensokyo, she can easily topple entire mountains, and with her ability to manipulate density, she can turn herself to fog, create black holes, turn giant or controls crowds via 'population density'.

She also has a gourd that never runs out of sake.

* * *

**Additional Information**

**Hakkero:**

The Hakkero (lit. 'Eight Trigram Furnace') is a magical furnace owned by Marisa. It allows her to channel her magic into powerful magical attacks, most noteworthily her signature spell 'Master Spark'.


	10. S1E8 - Don't PH34R the Reaper

**Season 01 / Episode 08: Don't PH34R the Reaper**

**The scene opened with Grif and Simmons standing like paralyzed in front of the tank, with the barrel still staring down on them.**

**"... Why is it just sitting there?" Grif asked in anxiety.**

**"Just trying to mess with our heads," Simmons answered with fake calmness. "Let's get back to the Warthog."**

"Why would he even think that this thing could play mind games?" asked Alice.

"She's not a _'thing'_, her name is Sheila," said Marisa in a warning tone to the doll master, before looking back at the screen. "And given the chance, I would make them squirm a little bit too~."

"Of course you would," Reimu sighed. "Also, does anyone else think that Marisa's fixation on the tank is a little creepy?"

* * *

**["This tank is equipped with an auto-fire sequence, which can be activated by pressing the auto-fire button,"]** **Sheila informed Caboose, guiding him through the tutorial program.**

**"Auto-fire, auto-fire," Caboose muttered. "Here, here! No wait… okay, that's more of a switch than a button."**

"So the tank practically does the work for you?" taunted Aya at the blonde witch. "Yeah, it... eh, 'she', is definitely, absolutely perfect for you."

"That's what I said!" agreed Marisa, completely ignoring the side jab from the tengu.

* * *

**"Okay, you ready?"** **Simmons asked Grif, still starring at the tank. "Let's do this on three. One…"**

**"Wait! On three or three and then go?"**

"Just run, you idiots!" rushed Reimu the duo.

**"On three. It's always faster to go on three,"** **Simmons clarified.**

**"Okay, okay! On three…"  
**

* * *

**\- Inside of Sheila _(Fuck, that sounded kinda creepy)_ -**

**"Here!" Caboose exclaimed, hitting a button.**

***Click***

**["Tutorial deactivated. Auto-fire sequence activated,"] Sheila announced.**

"That's not good," stated Sanae in a worried tone.

* * *

**"Ready?"** **Simmons asked.**

**["Acquiring target."]**

* * *

**Meanwhile, the other Blues were still on the cliff, with Church finally deciding to take his chances.**

**"I'm going for the jeep. Cover me."**

"Gotta admit, nearly forgot about them," Reimu confessed, re-filling her tea cup.

* * *

**\- The scene changed back to the Reds and the tank -**

**"One," Simmons began counting, unaware that Grif was already backing away, before turning around and sprinting down the field as fast as possible.**

"Ten yen for each time Marisa started some trouble and pulled the same stunt" grumbled Reimu, giving the witch in question a glare. "Leaving me alone to sort out the crap's she caused!"

Marisa just grinned in response.

* * *

****The view cuts to Sheila's HUD, her crosshair following Grif as he was running away.****

**["Target Acquired."]**

**"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit," Grif cursed, panting heavily.**

"He's been running for what, 10 seconds? How can he be that exhausted already?"

**"Two,"** **Simmons continued.**

**["Target locked,"]** **Shiela announced as her HUD turned red, a beeping noise now accompanying it.**

* * *

**Meanwhile, Church was also breathing heavily as he ran to the jeep.**

"Looks like he needs a workout as well," noted Alice, holding her empty cup to Reimu.

* * *

**"Three!"** **Simmons shouted, before turning around, just to see Grif already far away from him.**

**"Oh, you back-stabbing cock-bite!"**

"And another ten yen."

Marisa choose to simply stick out her tongue this time.

* * *

**["Firing main cannon,"] declared Sheila, firing a massive round, barely missing Grif and hitting the jeep in front of him instead, sending it flying.**

**"SON OF BITCH!" Simmons shouted as he ducked down.**

**"SON OF A BITCH!" Grif cursed.**

**"SON OF A BITCH!"** **Church yelled, retreating from the scene.**

"SON OF A BITCH!" cried Marisa, dropping on her knees and raising her hands accusingly to the roof.

"CATCHPHRASE!" added Aya, smirking.

**["Firing main cannon,"]** **Shiela repeated as she chased after Simmons, who was now zigzagging away from the tank.**

**"Shit!"**

**A blast was stopped by the hill he had just run over.**

**"Shit, God damn it!"**

**["Firing main cannon."]**

**Missed.**

**["Firing main cannon,"] and another round was shoot into the ground.**

"The tank does not seem very reliable against moving targets," Sanae commented, right hand on her chest, with clear relief in her voice.

"And that's why I was complaining about their lack of proper training," added Alice with smug smile.

* * *

**Meanwhile, Church joined Tucker behind the rock.**

**"Hey dude, the jeep blew up!"**

"Thank you, Captain Obvious!" Marisa complained.

"It's actually 'Private' Obvious," corrected Alice the witch with a smirk, sipping her fresh tea.

"Whatever, don't be a smart ass," Marisa complained. "I'm so conflicted... on one hand Sheila is finally firing! On the other hand, she blew up the Warthog! That was one awesome vehicle!"

She sighed. "Can it get any worse?"

...

...

...

Cue to the entire universe coming to a screeching halt.

Cue to the more sensitive inhabitants of Gensokyo feeling a sudden shift in reality, looking around in dread.

Cue to the other girls' eyes opening wide, before they face-palmed as one.

Cue to Marisa blinking.

"... Crap, I jinxed it, didn't I?"

"NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!"

**"No kidding! Thanks for the update, Tucker!"** **Church snarled back.**

* * *

**Back to the field, it was now the Reds turn to duck behind a rock.**

**["Firing Main Cannon,"] Sheila announced, before unloading yet another round at their cover.**

**"Hey, I have a great idea!" said Simmons, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Let's get out of the jeep, and sneak around the back of the rock!"**

**["Firing main cannon."]**

**"GREAT PLAN, YOU IDIOT!"**

"How many rounds can a tank shoot?" asked Aya, earning a shrug from Sanae.

**["All targets eliminated,"]** **Sheila stated. ["Acquiring new target."]**

* * *

**\- With the Blues -**

**"Hey Tucker, look at this man! It's the rookie! And he brought the tank out to scare off the Reds!"** **Church noted, running up to the cliff side.**

**"What? No way!"**

**"HEY ROOKIE! GOOD JOB, MAN! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US YOU KNEW HOW TO DRIVE THE TANK!?"**

"Because he didn't. And I'm sure he still doesn't," Reimu answered, rolling her eyes, smiling slightly.

["**New target acquired,"] Sheila announced, turning her cannon towards... Church?**

"Oh fuck me," Marisa muttered, as everyone gave her the 'that's entirely your fault' stare.

**"That's not a target, that's Church!" Caboose announced in a chipper tone, unaware of what was about to happen.**

"TURN IT OFF, DUDE! TURN IT OFF NOW!" the witch shouted, nervously switching her gaze between the screen and the now red-glowing eyes of the others.

**"YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT! IT'S ME, CHURCH! WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN?"**

**["Target locked."]**

**"What? No! Target unlock! Unlock! Please help me, nice lady!"** **Caboose begged, finally realizing what's going on. But it was already to late.**

**["Firing main cannon."]**

**"Uh-oh."**

**"Uh-oh," Tucker muttered.**

"Uh-oh," everyone said in unison, with Sanae covering her eyes, but still peeking between her fingers.

**"What?"** **Church asked in confusion, before everything clicked. "Oh, son of a bi-," was all he managed to say before a cannon round struck him dead on, sending him into the wall, before he crashed into the ground.**

Everyone was quiet, their mouths open and eyes wide in shock.

**"Holy fuck! Church are you okay!?"** **Tucker yelled as he run up to him. "Talk to me! Church!"**

**He looked over the cliff side. "YOU SHOT CHURCH, YOU TEAM-KILLING FUCKTARD!"**

**["Auto-fire sequence, deactivated,"]** **Sheila announced as Caboose finally found the off switch.**

While Aya and Alice were trying to comfort Sanae, Reimu looked with murder in her eyes at Marisa, who was shitting bricks at this point.

**"Tucker," Church groaned out in pain. "Tucker."**

**"Church! It's going to be ok, man!" Tucker tried to assure him.**

**"No.. I... I'm no… I'm not gonna make it..."**

"Now he'll never return home and marry his girlfriend," Sanae hiccupped, tears welling up in her eyes.

**"Tucker... there's something I need to tell you..."**

**"What is it?"**

"His final words," Alice muttered under her breath. Sanae stopped sniffing, listening to the last words of a dying man.

**"I just want you to know... I always hated you... I always hated you the most."**

Everyone's expression changed from sorrow to either shock or a deadpan expression.

**"Yeah, I know you did. Now hurry up and die, you prick,"** **Tucker replied, clearly unamused.**

"Really inspirational, man. I'm sure they'll put it on your tombstone," Reimu groaned.

At least the shock made Sanae stop crying.

**"Okay. Herrrrgh! Bleh!"**

* * *

The four girls just stared at each other for a moment. Then they looked at Marisa.

"... Well, that just happened?" she chuckled sheepishly.

"Alice?" said Reimu, turning to the young woman in question.

"Yeah?"

"Get 'The List'."

"Wait, what list?" asked Marisa nervously.

"With pleasure," with a motion of her hands and a small burst of purple magic, a note book appeared in Alice's lap.

"Now then Marisa," said Reimu, grinning devilishly in anticipation. "Since you killed my, and I quote, 'boyfriend', it is up to me to avenge him, isn't it?"

Marisa gulped. "Come on," she waved her hand. "You can't possible blame me for that." She tilted her head. "And what list are you talking about?"

"Stop complaining, you had it coming for quite some time now," answered Alice, holding up the book. "This is something we came up with during your last, well, 'incident'. We took a vote after we pared down a list of options. It's about time we put it to use."

"A vote?! A LIST?!" Marisa shrieked. "You guys made a FUCKING LIST?!"

"... Sort of?"

"Give it to me!" Marisa took the book and opened it, looking over the first page with dread.

"Iiiieeeeee!"

A tiny scream erupted from the glowing page and Marisa nearly dropped the book to the floor, as she bore witness to a well-drawn, if slightly cartoonish, moving depiction of a pack of wolves swiping open the midsection of a mini-Marisa, and feasting on her innards, as she thrashed and cried in agony.

"... What... the... actual... FUCK?!" Marisa cried. "Why would you even draw this shit?!"

Alice threw up her hands in mock offense. "I felt the extra detail would help to get across the significance of the punishment you might be facing!"

Marisa narrowed her eyes at the puppeteer. "Oh... good job," she said in an aggravated tone.

"By the way, Patchouli added a few drawings of her own as well," Alice added. "They are further in the back."

Marisa began to flip through the book.

"Aaaaaahhh—!"

"Eeehhhhhh—!"

"Whhhyyyyyeeee—?!"

"WHY DO THEY ALL SCREAM?!" Marisa exclaimed in shock. "WHY AM I BEING DEVOURED ALIVE IN EACH AND EVERY ONE?!"

Aya was now taking shots of Marisa face from every angle possible.

"'_Thieving witch finally gets her just desserts'," _she laughed. "Tomorrows paper is going to sell like hot buns!"

"SCREW YOU, FEATHER BRAIN!"

"We're so sorry," Reimu smirked. "We thought you liked animals."

"HOW IS THAT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW?! WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?!"

Everyone in the room gave her a deadpanned stare.

Marias winced slightly. "Okay, but still! Overkill much?"

Reimu let out a sigh. "Alright, I'm sorry. Perhaps things got a little out of hand."

"_'A little'_?!"

Reimu huffed out in annoyance and pointed towards the second blonde in the room. "Alice had a little too much fun drawing the pictures."

Alice offered a sheepish grin. "Sorry... I'm pretty good at drawing on the fly, but it does take time to animate them and add sound effects."

Marisa took a moment to glance at one more illustration, apparently a tiny-cartoon version of herself being slowly digested by a enormous snake.

"AAAAAAAIEEEEEEE! I can feel my organs being liquefied!" a tiny voice called out from the picture.

"It was pretty fun. And therapeutic."

Marisa's right eyebrow twitched as she lowered the illustration. "Yeah, no shit..."

"What can I say? I'm an artist."

Marisa looked over to Sanae, who was quiet the whole time. "Help?" she asked hopefully.

"Mhmm... no," the green-haired miko smiled, while the rest of the girls were closing in on the witch.

Marisa couldn't help but to let out a sad, helpless whimper.

"I am so fucked_..._," she gulped, as she was jumped by the others.


	11. S1E9 - After Church

Marisa Kirisame was a magician of great renown.

There were few foes that she could not either outwit or defeat, and she prided herself on her capacity to work through problems with sheer stubbornness.

It was this very sense of pride which was coursing through her veins right now, and which ached just a little bit at her current predicament.

Struggling with a grunt, Marisa pulled the sticky tape from one hand directly to the other, incapable of freeing herself from its wicked, tacky grasp.

A clever foe, indeed.

The witch frowned angrily, slowly lowering her right hand to the table and attempting to peel the tape off with its wooden edge. However, all she succeeded in doing was pushing even more of the ball of sticky tape onto her arm. Resisting the urge to slap her hand against the table, she groaned in frustration.

Remembering all her past experiences, which unfortunately had not prepared her for this sort of dangerous encounter, Marisa took a few deep breaths and forced herself to remain calm. It was only sticky tape.

Horrible, evil double-sided sticky tape, but sticky tape nonetheless.

She would be victorious.

Focusing, she gently bit her tongue between her teeth and attempted to use her other elbow to force the sticky tape bundle to the table, pushing down gently to remove it from her left hand. It slowly peeled away from her, and Marisa cheered jubilantly.

Only to discover that the sticky tape was now latched rather firmly to her elbow.

"Oh, for fuck's sake..."

Marisa punched the sticky tape ball with her now free hand, hitting it hard. In return, the tape-y bundle of doom swung around her arm, slapping her viciously in the face.

And that was where it stayed.

"... Shit," Marisa grumbled, almost positive that her fearsome opponent had just blackened her eye. She grappled the sticky tape with one hand and used her left foot in the attempt to free herself from its grasp.

Of course, this only served to leave her completely unbalanced when she found herself incapable of actually removing any of her limbs from the sticky tape.

Marisa swayed perilously on one leg for a moment, shouting incoherently as she struggled to retain her balance.

Finally, she managed to poise on a single foot without falling and she let out a little, hard earned sigh of relief.

This lasted only a split second, as the little witch immediately toppled to the ground afterwards.

Hissing in agitation, Marisa glowered hatefully at her devious enemy.

Thinking quickly, the she jerked her head backwards and pushed forward with her arms, using her one free leg to balance against the table leg and propel herself across the floor.

Somehow, Marisa managed to stick herself firmly to the wall.

"Okay," she breathed. "Okay, sweet cheeks. You can do this. You're the boss."

She would have sworn that the evil double-sided sticky tape would have cackled maniacally if it could, insisting that, no, she most certainly could not.

So, the evil double-sided sticky tape wanted to mock her, did it? Oh, the evil double-sided sticky tape would rue the day it challenged Marisa 'Motherfucking' Kirisame!

With a newfound determination, Marisa bit the sticky tape as hard as she could, in the attempt to tear the monstrous abomination from her hands.

She then began spitting in revulsion, because the evil double-sided sticky tape had collected filth from the floor, and therefore tasted terrible. Marisa groaned, a couple of strands of her golden hair lodging themselves against the sticky tape. Obviously, this would only end with one of them going bald, and the blonde refused to volunteer for the position.

With barely contained rage, that most definitely could have terrified a certain pair of loli-vampires, but sadly did nothing to the double-sided sticky tape o' doom, Marisa growled furiously and poured all of her strength into her arms, swinging desperately to free herself.

"Raaaraaaaragh!" Marisa argued with the ball as coherently as she could, refusing to put her tongue back in her mouth lest she should accidentally taste the terrible wrath of the evil, nasty tasting, double-sided sticky tape. In vain, Marisa hurled her tape-coated hands at the wall, hoping to shed herself of the vile monster by using the wooden walls as support.

Instead, she stuck herself firmly to the wall.

"I weewhy thou ha thee thi comi," Marisa spluttered with her tongue lolling out of her mouth. Of course, what she meant to say was 'I really should have seen this coming', but it was doubtful that the evil, nasty tasting, double-sided sticky tape would even have a proper rebuttal, so Marisa didn't bother rephrasing herself.

She carefully pried one arm as far left as she could, sticking her other one to the ball as leverage, so that she was now completely off the floor.

However, this also meant that she now had all four limbs trapped in the evil, nasty tasting, double-sided sticky tape, and had no way of freeing herself, no matter how hard she struggled.

And struggle, she did.

Marisa flailed like a fish out of water, even managing to free one hand. Still, it was the one furthest from the floor. Not put off in the slightest, she used this newfound freedom to further scrabble up the wall, attempting to peel herself from the sticky tape by detangling it one limb at a time.

She only managed to pull the rest of herself up the wall like the world's strangest spider.

Albeit, a very evil, nasty tasting, devious-double sided sticky tape spider.

*CLICK*

*SNAP*

"I could watch this for HOURS."

The devastated witch paused in her 'Wriggle of Despair', staring at the four girls now standing in the room's entrance, shaking with mirth as they watched the predicament their friend found herself in, Aya with her camera still in her hand.

"Phelpf?" Marisa asked hopefully.

Aya took another shot.

Marisa grimaced as she rolled her tongue back into her mouth. "Come on guys, I would really appreciate some help over here..."

*CLICK*

*SNAP*

"Stop taking pics, ya damn crow!"

"Whatever, 'sweet cheeks'," Aya smirked at Marisa's red face. "One can never have enough blackmail material." She shrugged. "Besides, since you were so vehemently against our initial ideas..."

"You guys wanted me mauled by wild animals!"

"... It was either the sticky tape challenge, or tentacles."

"Why were those the only choices?!"

"And since Reimu didn't want me to summon some eldritch squid from the abyss into her home," Alice continued, completely ignoring her. "And no one wanted to tarnish Sanae's innocence..."

"I'm an adult, you know," whispered said green-head silently, blushing slightly.

"... Sticky tape it was."

"Fine, whatever," Marisa grumbled. "Can you help me down now?"

"Are you crazy?" asked Reimu, waving her hand. "We'll get stuck, too."

"OH, COME ON!"

* * *

**Season 01 / Episode 09: After Church**

**The episode opened with Simmons and Grif running up the ramp of their base, where Donut was waiting with the blue flag.**

**"What happened?" he asked as they reached him.**

**"Big... tank... shoot… WHOO!" Grif wheezed out.**

**"Damn, man. We only ran, like, three hundred feet. You are really out of shape," Simmons commented his fellow soldier.**

**"Fuck... you...," Grif panted out.**

"Great comeback there," Reimu snarked, giving the orange trooper some mock applause.

**"Where's your car?"**

**"General Patton here had a great plan to leave it behind,"** **Simmons explained sarcastically.**

**"Hey, it would've worked if that tank hadn't shown up," Grif defended himself.**

"Nope, it wouldn't," everyone retorted at once.

**"You lost the jeep? Oh man, Lopez is gonna be pissed. Where is it?"**

"Burning on the other side of the canyon?" Alice suggested nonchalantly.

Marisa whimpered silently from her position on the wall. At least the others were nice enough to move the TV to a position she can see it from as well.

**As on cue the Warthog suddenly flipped up on the base from below by an explosion, landing between Donut and the other two.**

"Jeeps back," Aya joked, while a certain witch cheered and blow a raspberry at her fellow blonde. Alice threw a cookie in response, hitting her on the nose.

**"What the hell?" Grif wondered aloud, before another round hit the base. "SON OF A BITCH!"**

**"Oh crap! What the hell is that thing!?" yelled Donut, spotting the tank in the distance.**

**"That's the tank!"**

**"Hey, uh... Grif, uh, you wanna hold the flag for a little bit?"**

**"No! Get that away from me!" came the answer, while in the meantime Simmons was moving back and forth in panic.**

"It's a literal death flag!" laughed Marisa, causing her friends to face-palm at the pun. Aya threw another cookie at her, hitting her on the nose as well.

Marisa sneezed.

* * *

**The scene changed to Caboose, still inside of Sheila, with Tucker right next to them.**

**"Why do you keep firing at the jeep?"**

**"Because it's locked on."**

**["Target locked."]**

**"Well, unlock it!"**

**"Last time I unlocked it, I killed Church!"** **Caboose shouted back.**

"Well, technically it locked onto Mr. Church on its own," Sanae argued. "It's not your fault for not finding the right switch in time."

"Also, blame Marisa," Reimu added.

"Yeah," everyone else agreed, while the magician in question grumbled.

"Screw you guys..."

**"Oh, right... keep shooting the jeep then."**

* * *

**\- Back at Red Base -**

**Donut had found cover on one side of the base, while Grif and Simmons were kneeling on the opposite side.**

**"I hate to be the one to point this out, guys, but I think we're screwed," Donut said as another shell hit the base.**

"True, but hey, you can tell people in the Netherworld that it took a tank to kill you!" Marisa said with closed eyes and a nod.

"Yeah, because THAT is such a great consolation," countered Alice, shaking her head.

Pause.

"No cookie?"

"We're out."

**"Yeah, I have to agree with the rookie on this one,"** **Simmons commented.**

**Just then, the sound of a radio transmission came in.**

**["Blood Gulch Outpost Number One. Come in Blood Gulch Outpost, come in,"]** **a familiar voice called, as the scene changed to a group of vehicles flying over a.. sea? Ocean? Fuck it, the flew over water.**

"Wait a fucking second! Are those things FLYING!?" Aya asked with wide eyes. "Ok, I'm willing to accept carriages that can move along the ground with no magic, but in the friggin air as well? Sanae, do they really have this in the Outside World?!"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry, I kinda forgot," Sanae admitted sheepishly. "They're called 'airplanes,' or just 'planes' for short. From what I've learned in school, they function through a combination of aerodynamic wings and engines that spin propellers. The old ones were fairly slow, but the more recent ones are large and fast enough to carry around over one hundred people the length of an entire continent in only a few hours."

Everyone's jaws dropped as they heard that.

"In fact, the military has access to much faster ones called 'jets', which are basically rockets. Though they can only hold about two people, it's not uncommon for them to surpass the speed of sound."

"WHAT!?" Aya and Marisa shouted, one in shock, one in pure bliss.

**["Do you read me?"]** **Sarge continued. ["This is Sergeant-"]**

**"Oh my God, Sarge, is that you!?" Grif asked in relieve, cutting his commanding officer off.**

"Oh, come on! We were about to learn his name!" shouted Marisa.

"I have the feeling that we're never going to learn his name. Seems like some kind of running gag," Alice explained.

"So Reimu will never know the name of her father," Marisa sighed dramatically. "Such tragedy..."

"You know 'sweet cheeks', just because we're out of snacks doesn't mean I can't find something else to throw at you," warned the shrine maiden, with a forced smile and a pulsing vein on her temple.

Marisa gulped.

**["Roger that, Private. I am currently inbound to your position from Command."]**

**"Sir, this is Simmons!"** **the maroon soldier began as another round went off, whizzing by over his head.**

**["Hello, Simmons. Everything's gone alright while I've been gone?"]**

"Oh boy, you have_ no_ idea," grinned Reimu, returning her gaze from the sweating blonde back to the screen.

**"Actually sir, things are kind of hectic right now. The new rookie arrived, and somehow he managed infiltrate the Blue Base," Grif began to explain as more tank round pelted the base. "And now we have their flag, the Warthog is damaged..."**

"Thing is pretty sturdy to be in one piece after that," complemented Aya. "If I ever write an article about it, Momiji will need one of those cannons to keep the kappas out of my office."

**"One of their guys is dead, and there's this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base!"**

**The radio was silent for some time, as only the background noise was heard. Then…**

**["... Am I talking to the right base?"]**

"I know it's hard to believe," laughed Aya, while Sanae giggled and Reimu nodded with crossed arms.

"Gone for a day and shit hits the fan," she said. "I know the feeling."

"We get it, we are _helpless _without you," groaned Marisa. "Stop milking it!"

"Only when I finally get more donations! Or any at all for that matter!"

"Rather touching, as misplaced as that faith was," Alice added, ignoring the squabbling next to her.

**"SARGE. WE. ARE GOING. TO. DIE. HERE!"** **Grif stressed as another round went off.**

**["Well hold tight, boys. I think I've got a solution to your little tank problem."]**

"That's not going to end well, is it?" sighed Alice, while Marisa grimaced.

* * *

**\- The scene changed to Tucker and Caboose -**

**"Uh oh," Tucker said as he looked up to the sky.**

**A shadow passed over Red Base, and the sound of something roaring overhead came closer.**

"Oh _fuck,_" Marisa muttered in despair. She pulled similar stunts enough times to know exactly what was going to happen next.

**"Hey, Caboose? You might want to get out of the tank. Like, right now,"** **Tucker warned as he quickly backed away.**

**"I can't figure out HOW TO GET THIS THING OPEN!" Caboose shouted back.**

**["Night vision engaged."]**

**"Rookie! Get out, now!"**

**Meanwhile a trail of explosions was slowly getting closer and closer to Caboose and the tank.**

"No, not another one!" Sanae pleaded. Everyone (except Marisa) leaned closer in fearful anticipation.

**Caboose was now panting in anxiety. "Okay. Okay. Open the do… okay. Alright. Sheila, would you please open the door?"**

**["Driver canopy opened,"] Shiela announced, Caboose hopping out immediately. ["Thank you for using the M808V Main Battle Ta…"]**

**She was cut off by a direct hit, the following explosion powerful enough to knock her over.**

Marisa froze in shock. "Oh no," she muttered, looking absolutely aghast. "Not Sheila!"

**"Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, running, running, running!" Caboose shouted as he sprinted away. "Man! That was close!" he said as he caught up with Tucker.**

"Too close," Sanae breathed out, inconspicuously wiping the sweat from her temple.

**"Look at your tank, though."**

**Sheila was on her side and sparking electricity.**

Marisa starred at the scene with dead eyes.

**["I'm scared, Dave. Will I dream?"] Sheila asked as she powered down. ["Daisy~... Daaiiisssyyyyy~..."]**

**"SHIIIIIIEEEEEELAAAAAA! NOOOOOOOOOO!"** **Caboose** (and Marisa) **shouted in grief**, while the others were covering their ears as the whole shrine vibrated.

**"What? No! Shiela! Shiela!"** **Tucker paused. "... Wait, who's Sheila?"**

Everyone face-palmed.

**"Sheila's the lady in the tank. She was my friend," Caboose replied morosely.**

"And mine, too," cried Marisa, big tears rolling down her cheeks.

**"Oh, dude! I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!"**

"OH, FUCK YOU, DUDE!"

* * *

**Additional Information**

**Kappas:**

Kappa (lit. 'River Child') are a type of water spirit that live in rivers. In an oversimplified term, they are aquatic goblins.

Kappa in Gensokyo seem to be on relatively good terms with humans, but are extremely shy around them. They're also very talented inventors, mechanics and engineers and love to tinker with all sorts of machinery. Many of their inventions are decades beyond anything else in Gensokyo, but resemble more something one would find in a steampunk novel than in the Outside World.

They also really love cucumbers.


	12. S1E10 - A Shadow of his Former Self

**Season 01 / Episode 10: A Shadow of his Former Self**

**This time the episode opened with the sound of a radio transmission, with Tucker and Caboose standing next to their base.**

**"Come in, Blue Command. This is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Do you read me?"**

**"Okay, that is the last of it. Your armour is clean now," Caboose announced, pooping up behind him.**

**"Did you get all the black stuff off?" Tucker asked, turning to Caboose.**

"Two men, alone in a canyon, rubbing each other off," fantasized Marisa with a wide grin, watching in amusement as the rest of the group either groaned, blushed or turned green in response.

**["This is Blue Command, come in Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha,"]** **a new voice responded over the line. The scene changed to show a middle-aged man with a buzz cut, wearing a grey and yellow military uniform.**

"So this is one of the guys who sent them to this death trap?" asked Aya. "Huh, expected someone more, well, sinister looking."

**"Hello! Command! We need help!"** **Tucker said.**

**["Roger that, Blood Gulch. What is your request?"]**

**"I don't know what the technical military term is for it, but, uh, we're pretty fucked up down here."**

"I believe the term is 'FUBAR'," said Sanae, tapping her chin in thought. "I heard that term once, but when I looked it up in a dictionary, I couldn't find anything. I think it might be an acronym..."

Reimu, Marisa, Alice and Aya exchanged knowing smirks.

"You're not wrong," Reimu smiled, while Sanae tilted her head in confusion.

**"We need men!"** **Tucker continued.**

**["... Dude, how long have you guys been down there?"]**

Silence.

Cue Marisa laughing up a storm, as the other girls once again blushed and/or groaned.

"Damn it, Marisa," moaned a red-faced Alice, but like the others, she couldn't prevent a small chuckle escaping her.

**"No, no, no, no! No-not like that! We need more men to help us,"** **Tucker clarified quickly.**

**["Roger that. Did you get the tank we sent?"]**

**"Yeah... that got blown up, too."**

Marisa whimpered, while the others rolled their eyes in complete sync.

**["Wow... sucks to be you."]**

**"Yeah, we know…"**

"Even I'm starting to feel sorry for them," stated Alice.

**["Okay, here's what I can do. The nearest Blue forces can be there in sixteen days, or I…"]**

**"'Sixteen days'!? That's almost two weeks!"** **Tucker interrupted.**

"Two weeks and two days, to be accurate," said Sanae helpfully.

**["… Or I can hire a nearby Freelancer and get them there within a few hours."]**

"Freelancer?"

**"I like the 'in an hour' one,"** **Caboose said.**

**"Yeah, me too. Roger that, Command. We prefer the quicker solution."**

**["10-4, Blood Gulch. We'll contact Freelancer Tex and have him there post-haste. Command out."]**

**"Whoever he is, make sure he can fix the tank,"** **added Tucker as an afterthought, before cutting of the transmission.**

**"What's a Freelancer?" Caboose asked.**

**"Freelancers are independent. They're not Red or Blue. They're just guns for hire, who'll fight for whoever has the most money."**

**"... Like a mercenary."**

"Or like Marisa."

"Up yours, feather brain."

**"Right. Or like your mom when the rent's due."**

"... That... was a painfully forced joke," Alice stated openly, not even bothering to muster up the energy to act upset.

"Well timed though," Reimu admitted with a shrug.

**"... Oh, that's funny."**

**"Yeah? You didn't think that was too obvious?"**

**"No, no, not at all. That was good."**

"Well, at least he's taking it in stride?" Sanae commented uncertainly.

**Suddenly they were interrupted by a ghostly voice, coming seemingly from nowhere. _"Tuckeeeeer.__ Tuuuuuuckeeeeeer_!"**

**With that a white, transparent man in armour appeared between them.**

"Whoa, what the fuck?" exclaimed Marisa in shock. "Wait, is that...?"

**Startled, Tucker faced the newcomer.** **"Who they hell are you?!"**

**_"I am the ghost of Chuuuurch! And I've come back with a waaaaarniiiiiing!"_**

"That's surprising," Alice said, blinking owlishly.

"Guess he's not going anywhere just yet," Reimu agreed, taking a swig of her tea. Then she paused in her movement.

"Something wrong?" smiled a relieved Sanae, looking at her friend/rival.

"[Treasure Sign "Yin-Yang Orb"]," Reimu answered, sending a small orange ball of magic at Marisa. The witch could only blink in surprise, before the attack hit her.

*BOOM*

Silence.

Aya, Alice and Sanae starred at the Hakurei miko in shock.

Reimu calmly took a sip from her cup.

Marisa was moaning and smoking.

"Uhm, Reimu," asked Aya carefully. "What was that for?"

"She was about to make a comment about my 'boyfriend' being back."

Marisa groaned in response. "I wasn't going to..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Okay, maybe I was."

**"You're not Church! Church is blue! You're white!" Caboose declared as if he'd just uncovered an obvious lie.**

"He has a point," mused Aya, turning to the still charred Marisa. "Hey witchy, if you die, can you come back so we can see if your ghost is black and white?"

Marisa shakily raised her hand and flipped the tengu off.

**_"Rookie, shut up, man! I'm a freaking ghost! Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?"_ Church snapped back.**

**"Yeah, that's definitely him,"** **Tucker muttered.**

"An asshole even when he's dead," Reimu agreed.

**_"Now I gotta start all over again."_**

"Please don't," pleaded Alice, rubbing her temple.

**Church cleared out his throat.** _"**Tuckeeeeer.**_**_ Tuuuuuuckeeeeeer!__ I've come back with a waaaaarniiiiiing!"  
_**  
**"Is it really necessary to do the voice?"** **asked Tucker.**

"Yuyuko does it sometimes," shrugged Aya.

**"Yeah, it's kind of annoying,"** **Caboose added in agreement.**

"I think that's the point."

**_"Fine,"_ Church huffed, dropping the dramatics. "_Okay, here's the deal. I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don't let-"_**

**"What's the warning?" Caboose interrupted.**

**_"Shut up for one second and I'll tell you!"_**

**"Oh, sorry."**

**_"Seriously man, I mean I'm coming back from the great beyond here. Do you think this is easy? It's not. It's not like just, you know, pop in and out whenever I feel like it, it takes a lot of concentration."_**

**"Sorry."**

"Do you think that Yuyuko and Youmu have the same problem whenever they come over?" asked Sanae, causing the others to look at each other in thought.

"I have actually no idea," Alice admitted. "Maybe we can ask them next time we see them."  
**_  
__"I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with, but now I come back and I can't even get a word in edgewise, man," _Church finally stopped his rant and sighed. _"Okay. here's the deal-"_**

**"Is this the warning?"**

**_"All right, that's it! I swear to __God__, Caboose, your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you."_**

**"Yeah, you're even starting to bug me," Tucker added.**

**_"Okay, Tucker, you remember that I told you I was stationed on Sidewinder before they transferred me here to Blood Gulch, right?"_**

**"No."**

**"Sidewinder? Isn't that the ice planet?" Caboose asked.**

**_"Yes,"_ Church confirmed.**

**"Cool! What was that like?"**

**_"Um... it was cold."_**

**"That's it? Just cold?"**

**_"What do you want from me, a poem? It's a planet made entirely out of ice. It's __really. Fucking. Cold.__"_**

"Sounds like Cirno's kind of place," mused Sanae.

**"Would you just let him talk?"** **Tucker complained to Caboose.**

* * *

**_"Alright, well, one day when I was there, everything was just like normal_,"** **Church began as the scene changed to the Blue Base of Sidewinder.**

**Sure enough, there was ice and snow everywhere. Duh.**  
**_  
__"I remember I was out on patrol with my partner Jimmy,"_ Church continued.** **_"That Jimmy was a real good kid, everybody liked him."_**

"He's a goner," Marisa deadpanned.

**"Do you think I was a good kid, Church?"** **Tucker asked.**

**_"Tucker, don't get jealous, man."_**

"Did anyone else noticed how similar Tucker and Marisa are?" asked Reimu, while the others blinked in realization. "Both act like children, are annoying, have no respect for authority and are perverts."

"Now that you say it out loud, you're right," mused Alice, ignoring the muffled complaints of the witch. "The first and third point describe most of Gensokyo's inhabitants though."

"And Reimu is a lot like Church, and Caboose is like Cirno," added Sanae. "I wonder if we'll see more characters who're like people we know."

"The dynamic of the Blue team matches the three of you pretty well," Aya agreed with the green-haired shrine maiden.

**"**_**Just listen to the story. Like I said, the guys were hanging around, waiting for some action, bitching about the cold..."**  
_  
**The view continued to pan over a nearby group of Blues.**

**"Man, it's fucking cold," one of them complained.**

**"I hope we get some action," another added.**

"And they jinxed it."

**_"Anyway, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me all about this girlfriend he had back home…"_**

**"Yep, as soon as I get back, I'm gonna get down on one knee and ask her to marry me."**

"Oh for the love of… YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING ANYMORE!" Sanae snapped, irritated at the lack of subtlety of how doomed this poor men were.

**_"And that's when Tex showed up."_**

**With that a neigh-invisible silhouette of a soldier entered the base as dramatic music started to play.**

"Their armour can turn invisible, too?" asked Aya, whistling. "That's darn impressive."

"Maybe we should invest in armour, too," joked Alice. "Though it looks a little too rough for a lady such as myself. Maybe if I can make a few alterations to its design..."

"Ugh... boring!" Marisa interrupted. "I mean, your clothes look pretty and all, but what are you going to do about your pretty frilly dresses if you someone grabs you for an impromptu danmaku battle? Or you have to run away really fast?"

Alice rolled her eyes, blushing. "Like yours is any better."

"First of all, it's not a dress, but a combat skirt. Big difference. Second, if shit hits the fan, I can always strip naked," Marisa countered without a hint of hesitation or embarrassment. She frowned slightly. "I mean... I do hope I'm playing skins, otherwise I'm screwed."

There was a beat of silence before the room broke into a fit of laughter, even Alice couldn't help but join in.

**_"Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when he just started screaming bloody murder."_**

**"BLOODY MURDER! BLOODY MURDER!"** **Private Mickey shouted, firing is gun wildly in every direction.**

"I don't think that's how that expression works," Reimu chuckled, like most of the audience.

"They... they take things quite literally, don't they?" Sanae muttered with a forced smile, starting to hyperventilate.

_**"The whole thing was over before it even started," **_**Church explained as Tex quickly took down every single member of the Blue team, one by one. _"Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head, and beat him to death with it."_**

"Uh... what?" Alice asked flabbergasted.

**"Wait a second,"** **Tucker interrupted as the scene changed back to him. "How do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible."**

"Why do I have to agree with him?!"

**_"That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming."_**

**The scene, sure enough, changed to the now visible Tex, who's wearing black armour, beating Jimmy. With. His. Own. FRIGGIN. Skull.**

**"This doesn't seem physically possible!" he shouted before finally keeling over. "Hurk! Bleh!"**

"OH HEAVENS!" screamed Sanae, covering her eyes with both hands and dived beneath the table.

"... Okay, NOW I'm scared," admitted Reimu with wide eyes. "Just a tiny, little bit."

Aya and Alice, who're in a similar state as Reimu, were simply nodding.

Marisa on the other hand? Well,...

"Holy shit, I want to do that, too!" cheered the excited witch.

When they saw Marisa's impressed face, the rest of the girls face-palmed in unison.

"... We're doing that a lot lately, aren't we?" Reimu mumbled.

* * *

**\- Back to Church in the present -**

**_"Bottom line is, these Freelancer's, they're bad news, and Tex is one of the worst."_**

**"If he's such a badass, why didn't he kill you?" Caboose asked.**

**The scene then once again turned to Church in the past, all alone, surrounded by his dead comrades.**

"These poor soldiers," Sanae wept, while the others tried to comfort her.

**_"To tell ya, I don't know why I'm not dead. Coulda killed me at any point. But maybe it's because Tex and I have run into each other once before."_**

**"Where?"** **Tucker , as the scene changing back to the present.**

"They know each other?" asked a confused Aya.

**_"You, uh... you remember that girl I told you about back home? Well, let's just Tex is real reason why we never got married."_**

"Wow, I sense a love-triangle," grinned Aya, rubbing her hands excitedly. "I love those!"

"Only because you like to write about them," deadpanned Marisa. "Real or not. Like the time you shipped me with Patchouli and Alice. Or me, Reimu and Sanae. Or all five of us, for that matter."

"I don't see why it is _my_ fault you guys are dancing around each other," countered the reporter, ignoring the glares from her blushing victims.

**_"Guys, I'm fading fast and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning. Don't let Tex get involved here."_**

**"Okay."**

**_"I mean it, Tucker. No fighting, no scouting, nothing_,"** **Church reiterated as he began to fade.** **_"You'll regret it."_**

"Tex is getting involved," everyone said at once._  
_  
**"So... Tex and Church were after the same girl."**

**"I told you his girlfriend was a slut,"** **Caboose said in satisfaction.**

"You just do not learn your lesson, do you?" Sanae chided the blue rookie.

**The camera panned away from them, only to reveal a pair of black armoured legs.**

* * *

"Oh boy," commented Aya this development.

"This is starting to get interesting," Reimu added.

"Yeah, It's almost like... there's an actual plot starting," Alice agreed.

Everyone looked to each other for a moment. "Nah," they all said simultaneously and prepared for the next episode.

* * *

"Uhm, guys? Can you let me down now? I can't feel my legs... seriously, what is this stuff made of?"

* * *

**Character Introduction**

Name: **Youmu Konpaku**

Race: Half Human, Half Phantom

Age: unknown, but under 60 years

Occupation: Gardener, Sword Instructor

Eyes: Dark Blue

Hair: Silver

Special Features: Her ghostly half is a formless phantom as large as her human half

Title: Gardener of the Azure Sky

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Sword Mastery

Notes:

Youmu Konpaku is one of the stranger entities in Gensokyo, part human and part phantom at the same time. Her two halves are not intermixed like one would expect from a cross-breed, but actually exist in physically separate bodies. Youmu has a straightforward and focused personality, which complements her swordfighting skills well. However, her personality conflicts with that of her master, Yuyuko Saigyouji, who is very whimsical and playful in nature. Still, she serves Yuyuko as best as she can, tending to the gardens in Hakugyokurou and following her orders.

Youmu commonly wields two blades at once: the longer blade, called 'Roukanken', is said to be able to kill ten ghosts in one swipe. The shorter blade, 'Hakurouken', is able to cleave through a person's own confusion.

* * *

Name: **Yuyuko Saigyouji**

Race: Ghost

Age: over 1.000 years

Occupation: Ghost Princess

Eyes: Maroon

Hair: Pink

Special Features: Her danmaku are usually shaped like butterflies

Title: The Elegant Ghost

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Manipulation of Death, Ability to control departed souls

Notes:

Yuyuko Saigyouji is the ghost princess of Hakugyokurou, but was once a living human. Long ago, after her death from suicide, her body was used to place a seal on the 'Saigyou Ayakashi', a dangerous youkai cherry tree, to stop it from killing innocent humans.

She has the power to invoke instant death upon any living being and souls who perish this way wind up in Hakugyokurou rather than Heaven or Hell. Though it might seem dangerous for such a whimsical, seemingly impulsive personality to wield such a terrible power, Yuyuko appears to have a strong sense of responsibility regarding her power and never uses it recklessly or out of spite, nor does she use it as a weapon.

Ironically, it was this power that drove her to kill herself in the first place.

Humans fear Yuyuko because of her fearsome power and a general fear of the supernatural, but she is very cheerful and friendly. Unlike many ghosts, she resembles a living human, and her playful, good-humored personality, otherworldly beauty, and courtesan charm can have a disarming effect. She often makes bizarre and apparently nonsensical remarks and sometimes seems to overlook the obvious, leading to her characterization as an airhead or a ditz.

Probably originating from the term 'hungry ghost', she is also known for her incredible appetite and seems to have a food-related metaphor for any situation.

She's also a long-time friend of Yukari. Actually, it was her who turned Yuyuko into a ghost after her dead.

Yuyuko is truly 'dead and loving it'.


	13. S1E11 - Knock, Knock Who's there? Pain

**Season 01 / Episode 11: Knock, Knock. Who's There? Pain.**

**Grif and Sarge were standing in front of the Warthog, while Lopez was crouching next to it, busy with its reparation.**

**"... And then I thought, you know, we could sneak around the side while they were hiding behind the rock, but uh, that's when the tank showed up and... shit just started blowing up, I don't know," Grif sighed, recounting the events that happened during Sarge's absence.**

**Said man wasn't amused. "Grif, do you have _any_ godly idea how much this piece of equipment costs?"**

**"I… I don't know, like, uh, what... ten, ten-twenty, twenty-five bucks? Maybe?"** **Grif asked nervously.**

"I have no idea how much this things are worth," answered Reimu in Sarge's place. "But I guess you're _really_ lowballin' the cost there, dude."

**"Uh, you're… you're gonna kill me now, aren't you?"** **he finished weakly.**

**"Tell you what, Grif. I'm a fair man.** ("Bullshit," everyone deadpanned simultaneously) **I'll give you a ten second head start here before I let Lopez do anything he wants to ya."**

"Phrasing!" giggled Marisa, while the others groaned.

"Marisa, I realize you and dignity aren't exactly on speaking terms, but could you at least_ try_ to act mature?" asked Alice in expiration.

"Mhmm, no-_p_-e," grinned the witch, popping the 'p'.

"Just so you know, I still have the newspaper..."

Marisa gulped slightly in response.

"Just let it go," said Reimu, waving her hand. "As much as I enjoy seeing Marisa's ass handed over to her, it gets boring really fast."

Marisa sighed in both relief and annoyance, while Aya looked between the witch and the puppeteer in befuddlement.

"What's this about a newspaper?"

"Don't you worry about that~."

**Lopez dropped the tool he was working with and turned to face his fellow soldier.**

"You should start running," suggested Sanae helpfully.

**"Guys, I just want you to know, I'm really, really sorry here and…"**

**"Five Mississippi," Sarge interrupted as Lopez picked up his assault rifle. "Six Mississippi."**

**"Okay, uh, I guess I better get going then," Grif said meekly, slowly walking backwards.**

"Yeah, good idea," Reimu commented sarcastically.

**Sarge raised his pistol and aimed at Grif, exchanging a quick glance with Lopez, before both of them began firing.**

**"Hey guys, that's not funny! Somebody could get hurt here!" yelled Grif off-screen.**

"Don't be a pussy, ya pussy," laughed Marisa, earning her a chastising glare from Sanae.

"It's no joke if others gang up on you," she growled. "Something is only funny if _everyone_ can laugh about it."

That silenced the blonde, who was now looking away in shame.

...

...

...

The ensuring awkward silence was awkward.

...

"Uhm," cleared Alice her throat, wincing when everyone's eyes landed on her. "Uhm, let us, ah, continue, shall we?"

She pointed awkwardly to the TV.

After a moment, Sanae nodded, and returned her gaze to the screen. The others looked at Marisa with accusing stares, before joining the green-haired miko.

* * *

**The view changed to the top of the Blue Base, where Tex was firing with his pistol at something, while Tucker was standing next to him.**

**"That's basically it, sir. They have five guys over there and a big jeep," Tucker informed the Freelancer of the situation.**

**"And your flag," Tex added as he reloaded his pistol.**

"Wow! Now that's a voice!" said Marisa, trying clear the heavy atmosphere in the room.

Everyone ignored her.

**"Right, that too."**

**Tex threw a grenade, which exploded out of view a few seconds later.**

**"Uh, hey, Tex?" Tucker interrupted the black-armoured soldier. "I don't know what it's been like at your other bases, but we try_ not_ to use other soldiers as target practice here."**

**The camera turned to show Caboose covering against one of the base walls, an outline of bullet holes around him.**

**"I'm scared," he whimpered.**

If Sanae glare earlier was intense, then the one she was now giving Tex could outright kill someone.

"Yikes, this guy is brutal," Marisa commented, shrieking when Sanae glared angrily at her.

Reimu, Aya and Alice were slowly backing away from the dark aura the former outsider emitted, slightly on the edge by her unusual behaviour.

"One of these days, you load mouth will get you into trouble you wont escape with only a few bruises," stated Alice, shaking her head.

"Ah, don't ya worry," smirked Marisa. "I already have several failproof plans in case this ever happens."

Alice gave her a deadpan look. "Plans?"

"Yes!" stated the witch proudly. "You have your list, I have my emergency plans."

"... If you have 'emergency plans', why didn't you use them earlier?" Reimu asked smugly, Sanae and Aya nodding in agreement.

Marisa visibly deflated. "I didn't have time to go over them..."

**While Tex checked his weapon again, Caboose used the chance to quickly move out of the line of fire towards Tucker.**

**"So, you've got the Special Forces black armour, I see," Tucker said, trying to lighten up the mood.** **"Were you in the Special Forces at some point?"**

"So the armour colours symbolize the roles they have in the army," mused Alice. "That makes things both easy and difficult at the same time."

"What do you mean?" asked Aya, tilting her head in Alice's direction.

The doll magician shifted fluently into her lecture mode, summoning glasses out from nowhere. "Well, for example: during a deployment you can easily recognise a squad by their colour, but that means so can the enemy. They can specifically spot and eliminate important targets, like medics or supply."

"Huh," said the tengu, scratching her head. "Makes sense."

**Tex ignored him and was now checking his assault rifle. Tucker, however, was not disheartened that easily.**

**"Yeah, I used to have black armour, too. It was black because I got this stuff all over it from the-," he stopped his rambling as Tex jumped off the building. "O-Oh, okay, you gotta go? I'll see you later."**

**"I don't think he likes you," Caboose whispered loudly.**

"Neither do I," Alice added, huffing.

"Harsh?" asked Marisa, looking around the room. The others simply shrugged. Tucker had a lot of work to do if he ever wanted to get back on their good graces.

**"… Thanks."**

**They walked to the edge of the base.**

**"Where are you going?" Tucker called out to the Freelancer.**

**Tex turned around. "Red Base. Kill everybody. Get the flag back," he shouted, before turning around and jogging away.**

**"OH! OKAY!" Caboose yelled. "WE'LL JUST STAY HERE AND GUARD THE trans... porter," he finished weakly.**

Sanae growled. "I really hope they kick his ass."

"... Did anyone else notice that Sanae is a little bit out of character?" Aya whispered nervously, getting slow nods in response.

* * *

**Back at Red Base, Grif was talking to Simmons, while Donut was standing behind them, still holding his 'pole' in his hands.**

**"So Sarge thought my idea had merit, but was poorly executed. Probably because somebody didn't believe in it."**

"He said that?" Reimu asked, looking at the screen in disbelief.

**"Bullshit. He told me he thought you were a retarded monkey, and he's gonna suspend your weapon privileges,"** **Simmons retorted evenly.**

"Yeah, that sounds more like him."

**"Hey, since I captured the flag, d'ya think they'll give me my own colour armour now?"** **Donut asked hopefully, waving the flag pole around.**

**"What do you mean 'captured'? You thought you were buying it at the store, you idiot."**

Aya smirked. "Hey, do you guys think he actually paid for it?"

Everyone else thought about it, then laughed.

"If he did, he should have asked for a receipt," Sanae giggled. "Then Mr. Church and the others would have no legal right to demand it back."

**"Still, do you think there's a shot?"**

**"Maybe they'll give you Grif's armour since he destroyed the Warthog."**

**"H-Yeah. W-Wait. You don't… you don't think they'd do that, do you?"** **Grif stuttered.**

"Probably not," commented Marisa with a grin. "But only because it most likely smells."

* * *

**Cut to Sarge, who was trying to help Lopez with the repair of the jeep.**

**Emphasis on 'trying'.**

**"Try connectin' that hose to that metal thingy there. I think that's what's making that rattle."**

"I'm not an expert, but I don't think that 'metal thingy' is an actual technical term," snarked Reimu. "It also remembers me of Sukia: lazing around all day, drinking, watching me sweeping the leaves and then having the balls to tell me I missed a spot!"

**Lopez silently got up and turned to face Sarge.**

**"I... think I'll let you do it,"** **Sarge acquiesced.**

**Lopez knelt back down and got to work.**

"The strong, silent type, eh?" said Aya, smirking. "I can actually dig that."

"He does seem capable," Alice agreed. "I think he and this 'Vic' fellow are the only competent soldiers we have seen so far."

**Just then a nearly invisible figure jogged past them both.**

"Tex," snarled Sanae.

**"What the-? What was that?"** **Sarge turned around, watching his surrounding suspiciously.**

Alice raised a single eyebrow.

* * *

**\- Back to the Red Base -**

**"Simmons, what's going on? What's over there?"**

**"I thought I saw something for a second,"** **Simmons replied over his shoulder, looking over the side of the base.**

**"Hey rookie, tuck the flag someplace safe until we can figure out what's goin' on," Grif ordered in a serious tone.**

"I stand corrected," stated Alice, impressed. "They can actually act like professionals if they try."

Sanae smiled at that.

**"Good idea. I was sick of carrying this thing anyway," Donut complied, tossing the flag down into the base.**

Aya face-palmed. "Really secure, man."

**Tex was now standing right next to the base, prepared to make his move.**

**"Did you hear that?" Simmons asked.**

**"Yeah," Grif replied, both of them looking over the side of the base now.**

**"Hey. What's going on?" Donut whispered.**

**Tex threw something. Something that was making an ominous sound.**

**"What the fuck?" Grif exclaimed, as he turned around to Donut and backed up a bit.**

**The view changed to Donut, who now had a blue object on the side of his helmet, hissing loudly as it released some kind of blue gas and sparks.**

**"What?" he asked, clearly unaware of its existence.**

**Simmons turned around to see it as well. "What is that thing?!"**

**"What thing?" Donut asked in concern.**

**"There's something on your head," Grif explained.**

**"What, is it a spider? Get it off!"**

**"No, it's not a spider, it's… like a blue thing,"** **Simmons clarified.**

**"What, like a blue spider? Get it off!"**

**"It's not a spider! Calm down," Grif ordered. "It's some kinda fuzzy pulsating thing."**

"What's his deal with spiders?" Aya sweat-dropped.

**"That doesn't sound much better than a spider."**

"I agree wholeheartedly."

**"Does it hurt?"** **Simmons asked.**

**"No."**

"Oh fuck, I just realized what it is!" Marisa announced wide-eyed.

"Really? What?" Alice asked.

"... Get ready for some fireworks."

It took a moment for everyone to process what she meant before their eyes also widened.

"Oh no," Sanae squeaked out.

**"Maybe we should try to take it off."**

**"Good idea. Go for it."**

**"Me? By 'we' I meant 'you', asshole,"** **Simmons argued back.**

"Stop arguing and do something!" urged Aya the idiotic duo.

**"Well somebody needs to get it off. Look, it might be dangerous," Donut said right before it exploded.**

**"SON OF A BITCH!" Simmons and Grif shouted simultaneously.**

"SON OF A BITCH!" Sanae yelled, smacking her hands on the table. "FIRST CABOOSE, AND NOW DONUT?! FUCK YOU TEX! FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!"

Silence followed her outburst, only disrupted by her heavy breathing.

The others starred at her in shock.

"... Uhm," Marisa hold up a finger, paused, then lowered it. "Actually, 'uhm' about sums up this situation pretty well."

"Marisa, please shut up," whispered Reimu, starring at her fellow shrine maiden in barely contained fear.

"No, it's... it's okay now," Sanae sighed. "I'm fine now. Besides," she smiled weakly. "Donut is probably fine. That armour looks pretty sturdy after all." She sighed. "He's fine..."

Reimu slowly moved over to her, allowing the distressed miko to lean on her for support. The remaining girls decided to stay silent.

**Just then the screen cut to black, the sound of warning beeps and blows landing being heard.**

**"Sim… where'd he go? Don't kill me! I'm too good-looking to die!"**

"I don't think you'll look that good after this," Aya joked hesitantly.

Sanae giggled slightly at that, with the others joining her one by one.

* * *

...

...

...

"... Uhm, I don't want to ruin the mood, but can you guys finally help me out here?" asked Marisa hopefully from her position on the wall.

Silence.

"... Come on, seriously? I have an itch on my nose and my panties are riding up!"

* * *

**Emergency Plans from A to Z** by Marisa Kirisame

_100 % foolproof!_

**A.) Attack:** The to-go solution for pretty much everything in Gensokyo

**B.) Broom: **Hit the problem with a broom

**C.) Cirno: **Throw Cirno at the problem _(Usually ends with her throwing a tantrum and freezing everything)_

**D.) Danmaku:** Blow the problem up _(My personal favourite!)_

**E.) Explosion:** Usually caused by **D.)**

**F.) Fire:** End result of **D.)** and** E.)** _(Burn bitch, burn!)_

**G.) G-String:** Stun the problem with your hot ass

**H.) Hide:** Hide and hope the problem goes away!

**I.) Indecent Exposure:** This will hopefully stun the problem _(One way or another)_

**J.) Jelly:** Coax the problem with your dessert

**K.) Kissing:** Works with surprising frequency...

**L.) Lap Dance:** If **K.)** doesn't do the trick, this usually does _(Works best in combination with** I.**)_

**M.) Money:** It solves any problem _(Especially if Reimu's involved)_

**N.) Nap: **Sleep on it and see if anybody still cares afterwards

**O.) Octopus:** Natural enemy of any female _(Only works if the problem is female)_

**P.) Punch:** Punch the problem _(Plus points if you can do it with one punch)_

**Q.) Quit:** Give up and go home

**R.) RAMPAGE!:** Let's just break stuff and see if that solves things

**S.) Sexy Time:** Offer your body _(The population of Gensokyo is mainly female, super hot... and most likely gay)_

**T.) Tabasco**: A squirt bottle full of hot sauce works wonders

**U.) Understanding: **Attempt to see things from the problems perspective and work out a compromise _(Wanted to write 'Uppercut', but Sanae won the coin-toss)_

**V.) Victory Pose:** Act self-assured and hope the problem buys the bullshit

**W.) Why?!: **Question the universe and/or any higher power you believe in if the first twenty-two plans were dismissed or didn't work

**X.) Xyresic:** Means razor-sharp _(Let your imagination run wild with what this implies)_

**Y.) Yukari Yakumo:** Desperate times require desperate solutions

**Z.) Zeitgeist:** Burn everything down and get the fuck out of town _(Word chosen because it sounds awesome and it's hard to find something that begins with 'Z')_

* * *

"... For the sake of whatever remains of my sanity, I am not going to think too deeply about this," Alice deadpanned after reading Marisa's _'Emergency Plans'_.


	14. Dicks are WMD's

**Dicks are W.M.D.'s**

"How about we watch another one of those P.S.A.'s next?" Alice suggested. "That way we can calm down a little before continuing with the next episode."

Reimu, with Sanae still at her side, shrugged. "Fine by me."

The others nodded as well, so the doll mistress hit play.

* * *

**With the sound of a now familiar guitar riff, the scene opened to Grif and Simmons standing in front of their base, facing the camera directly.**

**"Hi. I'm Private Dick Simmons from the popular web series _'Red vs. Blue'_," Simmons began.**

**"And I'm Private Dexter Grif, from the same show," Grif introduced himself.**

"Simmons' first name is _'Dick'_? Seriously, who the fuck names their kid_ 'Dick'_?" asked Reimu in bemusement, while Sanae straightened herself.

"Heh,_ 'Private Dick'_," Marisa snickered.

"Outside names are weird," Aya concluded with shrug.

"Actually, that's probably just the short version of what is his full name," Alice clarified, straightening her lecture glasses (where did she get them?). "The name 'Richard', meaning 'Mighty Ruler_', _is sometimes shortened to 'Rick', and then to 'Dick' as a nickname," she summarized. "I assume the case is the same here."

"Does anybody else think that his name is kind of ironic then?" asked Marisa, with everyone agreeing promptly.

**"But you know what? We're not here to talk to you today as famous actors,"** **Simmons continued.**

"I kinda doubt the 'famous' part," quipped Aya.

**"That's right Dick, we're here to talk to you as friends."**

"That's a fuckin' lie and you know it," Reimu snorted while crossing her arms.

**"In our show, _'Red Vs. Blue'_, we poke fun at things like the military lifestyle, and weapons of mass destruction."**

"Weapons of mass destruction? That doesn't sound ominous at all," Aya commented sarcastically, before looking at Sanae for additional information.

The miko in question gave an unhappy sigh in response. "They are basically weapons capable of annihilating entire cities in the blink of an eye," she explained. "They're generally considered as so destructive and cruel, that pretty much every nation has agreed not to use them, even in times of war."

"... Well damn," the tengu cursed. "I can understand that no one wants to dirty their hand with those."

"Yeah, they're pretty terrible," Sanae sniffed.

Reimu nudged Alice with her elbow. "Hey, I thought we tried to cheer her up!" she whispered. "Her mood is getting worse again!"

Alice shrugged helplessly.

**"But weapons of mass destruction are no laughing matter. Each year, several planets-," Grif started, only for a sniper round to whiz past him.**

**"Hey!" both troopers yelled in unison.**

**"Son of a bitch!" Simmons cried as he ducked.**

"They didn't move, but the shooter missed them anyway," Reimu groaned, looking around. "Church?"

"Church," the other four agreed evenly.

**"YOU! CUT IT OUT, DICK, WE'RE TRYING TO DO SOMETHING!"** **Grif shouted angrily.**

**"HEY RED! YOU SUCK, BLUE RULES!" came the mocking reply from Church.**

**"I SEE YOU!"** **Grif called back as he ran off-screen. "OH YEAH, I SEE YOU UP THERE BUDDY!"**

**"I'm sure a lot of you have encountered weapons of mass destruction in your daily lives,"** **Simmons continued, popping back into view. "In fact, you may have some friends who think it's 'cool' to stockpile VX Nerve Gas. But it's not. They may say 'everybody's doing it', but if they told you to jump off a-"**

**Another round whizzed past him.**

**"Son of a bitch!" Simmons repeated as he ducked down again.**

**"ALMOST GOT YOU THAT TIME, CHUMP!" Church shouted.**

"No, and not even _close_," Reimu sighed tiredly. "Seriously, aren't they usually just standing around all day, talking? If he has that much free time, why isn't he using his it to actually learn HOW TO FUCKING SHOOT!"

**"Oh, oh that's it! I'm getting my rifle!"** **Grif declared as he crossed the screen behind Simmons, entering the base.**

**"And remember kids, violence is never the answer!" Simmons added quickly as more bullets hit the air around him, and the screen went dark.**

**"YOU COCKBITE!"**

**"YEAH, I BET THAT ONE HURT!"**

* * *

"Hey Sanae, you're quiet again. Are you okay?" asked Alice in a soothing tone, facing the green-haired shrine maiden.

"Yes, yes, it is just... just...," Sanae sighed pitifully. "All of this reminds me of the time before I came here to Gensokyo."

She raised her head and looked at the sympathetic faces around her.

"Everyone makes fun of the new guys, even though they just want to be friends with the others. And then they get ridiculed, hurt... or even worse."

The other girls looked at each other, silently cursing their uselessness. No one knew how do deal with this situation.

"I mean, they're not bad people. Funny even. But how do they can be so nonchalant about the misery of their comrades and others? Even Simmons, Grif's closest friend, is mean and terrible to him..."

"You're right," Marisa suddenly interrupted the conversation, with a mischievous sparkle in her eyes. "I have half a mind... TO SPANK DICK!"

...

...

...

The others froze at that statement. Gradually their lips curled upwards, and everyone started laughing. Even Sanae let out a soft giggle.

"I'm just saying," Marisa continued gleefully. "If one would spank Dick every time he misbehaved, he wouldn't be so difficult to handle!"

Reimu sighed in mock annoyance, tacking a sip from her tea. "Marisa, you can't just spank Dick every time you get frustrated."

"I'm not actually going to," the witch rolled her eyes. "I'm only thinking about it."

"I'm not sure I'm comfortable with how much joy you get fantasizing about spanking Dick," Alice chimed in. "You should try being a little gentler, like Sanae here." She pointed at the now widely smiling girl.

"Yes," Sanae agreed, chuckling. "Sometimes you have to be gentle and patient when you want satisfying results."

"I tell you, that's not going to work! You need to be hard and forceful with someone like him!"

Alice covered her mouth with her hands to hide her massive grin. "So you really want to spank Dick hard and forcefully?"

"Yes, until he goes limp!" Marisa cheered.

"Sounds like fun," Aya laughed. "Maybe I'll join you sometime."

"Well, at least she's not threatening to throttle him," Reimu added with a smirk.

"Wait," said Sanae, trying and failing to keep a straight face. "Are you implying that Marisa might want to 'choke Dick'?"

"Yes! Isn't it awful?"

Alice faced the witch. "So, if you would choke him, how would you do it?"

"Well, by the throat, obviously!"

"Riiiight, obviously," said her fellow blonde in satisfaction. "Just checking."

"Oh my," Sanae giggled with a deep-red face. "You really don't like him, do you?"

"Nah, I just want to play around a bit. I love Dick! You can ask anyone around!"

"Oh yeah," agreed Reimu, shaking with mirth. "I'm sure anyone would attest to how much you love Dick."

"See?" Marisa waved in Reimu's direction while addressing Sanae. "Even Reimu can tell how much I love Dick just by looking at me!"

That finally broke the dam. Everyone collapsed in laughter, tears rolling down their cheeks while they struggled to breathe properly.

After some time, things slowly calmed down again, with the occasional giggle from the still red-faced girls.

"Oh heavens," Sanae chuckled, wiping her eyes. "Thank you, I needed that."

Marisa waved her hand with a smile. "Nah, no biggie. Nothing better than a bit silliness to get the anger and stress out of the system."

"No really," Sanae insisted with a genuine smile. "Thank you."

...

...

...

"... Does that mean that you let me down now?"


	15. April Fools Day Special

Gensokyo's first day in April began, as so many do, with screaming.

Of course, what this bodes for the rest of the day can vary widely depending on the tone, as long-time veterans have learned. For instance, cries of 'The horror!' meant that it would be mildly uncomfortable to go outside.

Screams of pain were usually answered by sending someone to get Eirin.

Ten or more screeching people meant that one should take another look at their house insurance plan.

For those few who could actually find insurance, of course. Most insurance companies treated Gensokyo in much the same way that arachnophobes treat two-foot tall spiders waiting outside their windows.

As such, Reimu was not surprised by the shriek that woke her. Unhappy, to be sure, but not surprised.

Incoherent nonsense that may or may not have been blasphemous pooled out of her mouth to soak her pillow... wait, no. That was the drool. But there were some murmured ramblings mixed in there!

After telling the morning what she thought about it, its mother, and mornings in general, Reimu forced herself to sit up and brain. That had been a shriek of disgust, which meant...

...

After a short period of time she came to the conclusion that she did not brain well without caffeine.

Standing in the kitchen, she tried to remember the steps of how to morning, but could not. She thought she had everything she needed, but what was she supposed to do with it?

Reimu hesitantly grabbed hold of a jar of leaves. After staring at it for an indeterminate period of time, she took a spoonful of the cured leaves and dumped them into a cup.

Huh. That didn't look like caffeine.

She dumped some beans into the cup after it. Nothing happened, which she assumed was a bad thing.

Truly perplexed, she sat down on the chair and tried to brain her way through the problem (which was very difficult, considering the circumstances). A light went off above her head as she realized what was wrong.

After she finished being overcome with shame, she poured creamer, sugar, creamer, honey and some creamer into the cup. The result looked like... uh...

Meh. It was close enough.

"Cheers," Reimu tried to word to no one in particular, although in her current state it sounded rather more like, "Jeeauhs," which sounded frankly awful. Then she poured the unholy concoction into her mouth and chewed.

And then she woke up like no one had ever awoken before.

Songs could be told of the intensity of her wakefulness and her hyperawareness of just about everything, if only anyone knew about it. Legends would be forged from her boundless energy, if only she could last the day without crashing.

But mostly, it gave her the presence of mind to consider that morning's waking scream. Which lead her to check the date. Which, in the logical course of events, lead her to panic.

It was April 1st. April Fools Day. The bitter thought made her shudder.

"Suika! I need-," she began, only to face-palm at her own stupidity. She sent her off on a sleepover at Alice's place for a reason, after all. She'd be planning to get her, too. She couldn't trust her.

She couldn't trust anyone.

April Fools Day made monsters even more monstrous. But she would not be taken unaware this year! Not Reimu Hakurei!

She began her careful inspection of the shrine to ensure that no one had set any traps or pranks up inside her home overnight. Each inch had to be double-checked for safety...

"Hey, Reimu! I'm going after Patchy with this great prank, but I need your help- woah!"

Marisa's with no doubt deceitful greeting was met with the blast of a danmaku.

"Out! Out out out out out!"

The nervous smile on Marisa's face was a far cry from her usual confidence. "Just hold on a moment, would you? Don't worry, I'm not going to-"

Reimu would not listen to this lying liar's lies. "No! I'm not falling for it this year... for once, I am going to have a perfectly enjoyable day today. So get out!"

"No seriously! I won't-"

Reimu did not permit the blonde to finish any sentences, which would no doubt be used to fool her into behaving like the fool everyone always made of her today. Well hah! Jokes on you, Marisa Kirisame!

That isn't exactly what was going through her mind when she threw the witch out of the shrine, slammed the door closed, and erected a barrier around her house.

But it was pretty close.

* * *

From all observations the UNSC had been able to make of the universe, astronomers have long ago come to the conclusion that the universe is shaped like an unimaginably massive fist with a single finger extended. The precise meaning of this is unknown, but it is unanimously agreed that it is supposed to be insulting somehow.

Because the universe is one sick bastard.

That's why Reimu studiously ignored the screams that sounded through the village on that most dreadful of days. Suika, Marisa, Cirno, Yukari... there was no shortage of pranksters dying to play tricks on others out there, and today was the time for them to let loose.

Understandably, this resulted in quite the ruckus as everyone found themselves soaked in cold water, got coated in flour, found frogs slipped under their hats, were playfully deceived or suffered the other tortures of the day.

This meant that when the sky ripped open above Gensokyou and ████ dragged itself from the tear in reality, Reimu paid the resulting screams no heed.

Terrified shrieks now echoed across the village as the entity extended its appendages to gift the puny mortals below it with its presence.

The first thing for anyone to do when encountering a horrific abomination is to run away; the best method of running away is to run towards someone who was probably strong enough to stop said abomination. This, of course, meant that Reimu was the one everyone turned to in their time of need.

"Reimu! Hey Reimu! Did you die in there or something?! We need you!" Marisa shouted as loudly as she could as she banged on the shrine's barrier.

"No! My shampoo and conditioner will be free of glue, dye and/or hair loss cream this time! I'm not opening this door!"

"Reimu, I don't like that any more than you do, believe me! But Gensokyo is under attack!" Alice yelled, standing next to Marisa.

Indeed, even as they tried to get Reimu to hear them over the roar of the crowd, the immense mass that was ████ was picking people out of the group with no seeming pattern.

"You'd like me to think that, wouldn't you? But then once I open the door to solve your _'attack'_, you sneak in here to put ants and honey in my bed sheets!"

████ extended itself like a great machine made of flesh, its gears and wires breaking off to engulf more bystanders. The screaming intensified.

"We need you out here, Reimu! I get that you've had problems before, but you have to trust us! Giant monsters are a lot worse than pranks!"

An angry huff came from inside the tree. "Hah! So you say, but today is the day you're actually supposed to lie to everyone! But my refrigerator is not going to be booby trapped with fireworks this year, and my deserts shall not be dosed with habañero powder!"

████ coated the earth in ██████████ formed from the bodies of ████ as it raised houses and trees into is five maws, crunching and devouring them with terrible teeth, each a fractal expanding in more directions than physics permitted.

"You know me, Reimu! I would never lie to you! Just come out. Please," Sanae begged.

The crimson flowed in innumerable rivulets as a circle that encompassed the whole of Gensokyo, thick tracks going straight through the village to form a rough star.

They heard the sound of footsteps on wood and the turning of tumblers in a lock.

"You promise?"

"'Yes, of course I do!"

An eardrum-shattering battle cry sounded over the ruins of Gensokyo as Tenshi, wrapped in crimson magic, descended from the sky to crash into ████, rocking the earth with the force of her blow.

"REIMU!"

Yukari Yakumo descended at a slower pace as danmaku streamed past her to slam into ████, which had come to give Gensokyo its blessing. Despite her distance, her voice bordered on the painful.

"THIS IS NO PRANK! WE NEED YOU! NOW!"

"You brought HER?! Why would you do that? She's the worst of all! I can't believe I almost fell for that. I didn't expect you to lie too, Sanae," came Reimu's panicking voice, accompanied by the distinct sound of a lock clicking into place.

Flailing heart-tentacles lashed through the streets as Suika and Yuugi unleashed heavy strikes upon ████'s flesh; but other than some slight movement, ████ gave no sign of being injured by their attacks. ████ rose from the ground in time to the movements of these extremities, the dance nauseating in its alien and visceral way.

"B-But this is serious! Even she wouldn't joke at a time like this!"

"That's what she said last year! And then she... she's the worst of all of them. The absolute worst," Reimu wailed as the sounds of screaming finally began to die off.

"When I got back to my shrine after the incident, my donation box was full with money. Money! I was so happy! But when took a closer look I saw that she... she...," Reimu broke off into tears. "She filled it with PLAY MONEY!"

...

...

"... Dear kamis..."

Reimu nodded along, not realizing that the exclamation was not, in fact, due to the commiserating with the terrible crime the gap youkai had committed against her.

Seeing the remaining gods shed their mortal bodies and ascend to their full divine power was not something anyone could watch in silence.

"OH COME ON! IT WAS JUST A HARMLESS PRANK!"

The surviving inhabitants of Gensokyo stopped. The gods stopped. ████ stopped.

Everyone stopped to stare at Yukari.

"IT WAS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! YOU WERE OBSESSED WITH THAT STUPID BOX! I THOUGHT THAT WAS CLEAR ENOUGH, BUT APPARENTLY I WAS BEING IRRATIONAL!"

Reimu put up another barrier to block out the sound.

████ gargled in incomprehensible pain from Yukari's heartless, dirty trick, but strove on to give this world its gifts. The ████████████ that ████ had become sung for it and its victory.

Then ████ ate everyone.

...

...

...

Needless to say, once Reimu calmed down enough the next day, she had her work cut out for her.

* * *

\- Chorus, New Repuplic Headquarters, March 31. -

"Hey, feeling better yet?"

"Urgh," Lieutenant Bitters groaned miserably, holding his stomach. He looked up at Palomo, who was carefully walking around the puddle on the ground.

"... Eating Captain Grif's old cream pie was a mistake," he dry-heaved, shuddering slightly.

"Yeah, I can see that..."

Both New Republic soldiers watched as the remains of the half-diggested pie of questionable age slowly crawled away, disappearing behind a crate.

"... Do you think we should be worried?"

"Nah, I'm sure things will be fine. *Burp*. Jesus..."

* * *

**Additional Information**

**Human Village:**

The Human Village is the place where most of Gensokyo's humans live. Even though some youkai are also visiting this place to shop, this is the safest place in all of Gensokyo to live. Humans from the Outside World that stumble into Gensokyo and decide to stay often have no choice but to live here as they would be unable to handle the youkai outside the village. The village itself has a powerful protector in Keine Kamishirasawa, who is capable of 'hiding' the history of the village's existence so that youkai cannot even reach the village, much less attack it.


	16. S1E12 - Down, but not Out

**Season 01 / Episode 12: Down, but not Out**

For a long while, all anyone could do was to stare.

"So...," Reimu finally said distantly. "You were tryin' to make..."

"Manyuu," Marisa muttered. "I mean, everyone likes manyuu, right?"

"And then the oven...," Aya continued.

"I don't even know," Marisa grumbled, pressing a hand over her eyes.

"You tried to use a bolt of lightning to...," Alice started to ask.

"We went over this already."

More silence. "I didn't even know dough could explode," Sanae eventually commented in awe.

"Yeah, neither did I," Marisa growled as she pulled her hand back from her face, leaving a bright circle right in the middle of her soot-caked face. No one had anything else to say beyond that, so they just stood silently with the witch, looking at the now burned spot which was previously occupied by an oven.

An oven that had flown every which way after the deafening boom from inside the kitchen had rattled every building in Gensokyo half a mile away.

Ignoring the overpowering smell of ozone in the air, Sanae turned to Reimu.

"Well, you're welcome to use mine until, um...," she started.

"Until mine comes back from orbit?" Reimu finished in a deadpan.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure it just disintegra...," Aya's lips came together promptly once Marisa sent a warning glare in her direction.

Reimu sighed, holding her head in her hands, mentally going through the string of events that lead to her kitchen look like the end result of one of Flandre's mood swings:

Finally getting tired by Marisa's constant whining and pleas, they offered her a deal: they will let her down and she prepares the next bunch of snacks in exchange.

After what felt like weeks, the blond magician was more than eager to accept the offer.

An eagerness which promptly went down the drain after she realized that they were completely OUT of snacks.

Meaning she had to MAKE something.

And since this doubles as both a punishment AND a way to give Sanae a much needed break, she couldn't expect any help from the others.

Considering Marisa's reputation, Reimu and the others should have thought this a little bit more through.

Well, hindsight is always 20/20.

"You know what the mix box said to cook 'em for? Forty-five minutes. I mean, who's got that kind of time? And then you can't even give it more heat and do it faster, 'cause then it doesn't cook right..."

At that precise moment, a gooey mass of... something... dropped past Marisa's nose and plopped down to the ground right in front of her.

"... Or it blows up in your face," she finished weakly.

* * *

\- A clean-up, shower and change of clothes later -

After Aya and Alice came back with takeouts from Mystia Lorelei's food stand (generously paid by Marisa), they once again assembled in the living room to watch the next episode.

**The screen opened with a far-away shot of the Red Base.**

**"No! Don't kill me! I'm too good-looking to die!" Grif's pleading could be heard from there, while Caboose observed the massacre through the sniper rifle.**

"Schikes, he'sch really kigging scheir assches," Marisa mumbled through a mouthful of grilled lamprey.

"Were you expecting anything else?" Alice commented, cleaning her mouth with a napkin. "Also, I know manners are a foreign concept for you, but please don't speak with a full mouth."

**"Man... he is really kicking their asses."**

"Schat's whad I schaid."

Alice looked up to the ceiling. "... Why do I even bother?"

**"How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?" Tucker complained, standing right next to the rookie.**

**"I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs," Caboose added, lowering the rifle.**

**"Sure makes things a lot easier on us."**

**"Yeah. I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade."**

**"It definitely seems that your killing Church is starting to work out for us."**

Sanae sighed and shook her head, but didn't said anything.

**"You know, you think so? You know, I was gonna say something, but uh... well, you know, uh... yeah."**

**"Did Tex get in the base?" Tucker asked, ignoring Caboose's rambling.**

**Caboose raised the rifle again, seeing Tex, now uncloaked, heading inside the base. "Yeah."**

**"'Blue Team Flag Returned'," a deep voice suddenly announced. And lo and behold, the flag somehow just materialized in the centre of their base.**

"The fuck...?" Reimu asked, voicing the thoughts of everyone else.

**"What the-? Who said that?" Tucker asked in confusion, before turning around, only to face Church.**

**Church cleared his throat. _"Sorry, that was me. I, uh... I guess I had something stuck in my throat."_**

"The fuck was in your throat that could make you sound so manly?" wondered a confused Marisa.

"And can you keep it there?" Aya asked with a smirk.

"Ignoring that," Alice sweat-dropped. "How does that even work? He doesn't have a body anymore."

**_"Your flag is back, by the way."_**

"How did that happen anyway?" asked Reimu. "Magic?"

The others shrugged in response.

**"Hey! It's Church!" Caboose said happily.**

Sanae giggled at his cheerful attitude.

"He's like a dog," Aya chuckled.

**_"Yeah, it's me. Hey Caboose…"_**

**"Hey, Church! What're you up to?"**

**_"Caboose, heh heh, I'm not really here to make small talk, okay? How'd you guys manage to get your flag back?"_**

"Tread lightly dudes. Tread lightly~," Marisa sang, grinning.

**"Wh-What? Oh. Th-That flag? We've always had that," Tucker replied nervously.**

"Smooth," Reimu deadpanned.

**_"Tucker, who do you think you're trying to fo-? Hey wait a second... where's Tex?_**

**"I-I'm not really sure, he said he was gonna go to the store, something about, uh, elbow grease"**

Sanae chuckled, facing her fellow miko. "He sounds exactly like Cirno after eating your dumplings."

"Dull minds think alike," Reimu snarked.

**_"Oh great. This is so __typical__! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?"_**

"Kami, it's like watching a parent scold their kids...," muttered Alice.

**"That Sidewinder is cold?" Caboose offered sheepishly.**

**Church groaned. _"What was the __other__ one thing I told you?"_**

**"Not to let him get involved?" Tucker sighed in defeat.**

**_"Right. And what did you do?"_**

**"We let him get involved..."**

**_"And now just a little involved, __how__ involved?"_**

**"Very, very involved," Caboose replied in a tone that sounded like he's going to be grounded by his parents.**

"Boy, what a dysfunctional family," Aya joked.

* * *

**\- Meanwhile, inside the Red Base –**

**Sarge and Lopez actually managed to get the drop on Tex, holding him at gunpoint.**

"Holy fucknuckles, they actually caught him?!" Marisa exclaimed in surprise.

"Seems so," muttered Alice, just as shocked. "But for how long?"

**"Freeze!" Sarge ordered, pointing his shotgun at Tex, causing the Freelancer to pause in his movement.**

**"Drop your weapon."**

**As Tex complied, Sarge stepped forwards and levelled his weapon at him.**

**"Hey, buddy?" Tex growled.**

**"What?"**

**"You really better hope the first one knocks me out."**

**Sarge replied by knocking him out cold. Like a boss.**

"Gotta give the old man props. That was pretty cool," praised Reimu, clapping her hands.

"Wowser! I guess I haven't been givin' Sarge enough credit!" Marisa commented with an approving nod.

"No kiddin'," Aya, Sanae and Alice agreed simultaneously.

* * *

**\- On top of the Red Base -**

**Grif regained consciousness and stood back up again.**

**"Ow. What the... my freaking head. Jesus" he groaned.**

**Simmons was already up, and looking over the unconscious body of Donut. "He's hurt, Grif. He'll make it, but we need to get him some help fast."**

"See? We said he would be fine," Reimu smiled at Sanae, who sighed in relief, wiping away some tears of joy.

"That must be some impressive armour," Aya whistled.

"Or medical capabilities," Alice added.

**"Yeah, yeah, hold on a second. What happened here?" Grif asked. "First Donut's head exploded, and... then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up, and started-"**

**"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. I did not faint, something knocked me out."**

**"Okay fine, keep lying to yourself. Whatever helps you sleep at night."**

Marisa and Aya laughed.

**"Man, just go find Sarge, we need to get Donut outta here," Simmons grumbled.**

**"Yeah, sure," Grif lamented as he headed for the ramp, before stopping in his tracks and turning around. "Oh, and, uh, I'm fine, by the way. Thanks for asking."**

**"Whatever. No one likes you anyway," Simmons answered absentmindedly after the retreating figure of the orange soldier.**

"Jeez, I can't even tell which group is more fucked up," Reimu commented, patting Sanae.

"They're both suck equally in their own unique ways!" Marisa said cheerfully, earning a slap by Alice's newspaper.

"Ouch! What was that for?"

"Reasons."

"Wait, is that what you use my newspapers for?!"

"Yeah. You have a problem with that?"

"... No, not really. Hit her again."

"H-hey! W-Wait-!"

*Whack*

"OWW!"

* * *

**\- Back at Blue Base -**

**Caboose looked through the sniper rifle to look after Grif, who was re-entering his base.**

**"Yup. He's definitely captured... or dead... captured or dead." He gasped. "Or captured and dead!"**

**_"Oh, well that's just perfect!"_ Church shouted angrily.**

"Huh? What got his panties in a twist?" asked Aya in confusion. "I thought he would be jumping from joy."

**"What!? What is your problem!?" Tucker asked. "Why do you even care if he's captured? I thought you hated that guy anyway for stealing your girlfriend."**

_**"I never said I hated Tex. I just said that she was the reason why we never got married."**_

"Wait... WHAT?!" everyone yelled, eye's wide with shock. "SHE?!"

**"_'She'_?" Caboose asked.**

* * *

**\- Red Base -**

**Grif and Simmons joined Sarge and Lopez inside the base, where they were still holding Tex at gunpoint.**

**"Sarge, we need to get Donut air-lifted outta here," Simmons reminded his CO.**

**"Could you put that in a memo and entitle it _'Shit I Already Know'_!" Sarge shot back. "Get on the horn with Command!" He then turned to face Tex, who was waking up again. "Well, look who's up. Rise n' shine, buttercup."**

**The Freelancer tried to respond, but the voice came out all garbled, while something was sparking from his helmet.**

**With a click, the soldier voiced his irritation. "Oh, great. You broke my voice filter. You cock-biting fucktards!" Tex said in a clearly_ feminine_ voice.**

**"Ah-ha!" Grif proclaimed. "I knew it! Only a chick could give me a headache this big!"**

**Then the screen went black.**

Everyone just exchanged glances for a moment.

"Wow...," Marisa commented, ever the eloquent one.

* * *

**Character Introduction**

Name: **Mystia Lorelei**

Race: Youkai (Night Sparrow)

Age: unknown

Occupation: Grilled Lamprey Vendor, Guitarist

Eyes: Grey

Hair: Pink

Special Features: Pointed ears and pink wings

Title: Night Sparrow Youkai

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Confusion Song, Night-blindness

Notes:

Mystia Lorelei is a little night sparrow youkai with an egocentric personality (at least she sounds arrogant) that enjoys frightening humans by using her ability: a song that creates confusion in those who hear her.

She is also able to blind people, an ability she uses to sell her grilled lamprey, which supposedly 'cure' night-blindness.


	17. S1E13 - Human Peer Bonding

**Season 01 / Episode 13: Human Peer Bonding**

**\- On top of the Blue Base -**

**"Let me get this straight," Tucker began, facing Church. "You're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose and beat the hell out of the Reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?"**

**_"In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary,"_ Church replied nonchalantly.**

"So... Tex is actually a girl," Sanae stated, still somewhat shocked. "And she and Mr. Church were dating?"

"I have no idea why they broke up. They're basically perfect for each other," Alice commented, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Maybe Church is secretly a masochist?" Marisa wondered aloud, before giving Reimu a mischievous smirk. "Come to think of it, you would look great in leather and latex, Reimu."

Ignoring the blushing and spluttering miko, Alice gave the witch another whack with her newspaper.

"OUCH! Hey, I'm just saying Reimu has to step up her game if she wanna-"

Marisa was interrupted by another punch, courtesy of a still blushing Reimu this time.

"Shut ya mouth, bitch tits!"

"Ow, crap baskets," Marisa cursed, nursing the bumps on her head.

Leaning over a beet-red Sanae, Aya smirked at the Hakurei Shrine maiden. "You now, if you model in that kind of outfit for my paper, you'll never have to worry about money ever again~..."

With a shriek, Sanae clasped her hands over her nose as tiny droplets of crimson blood leaked between her fingers.

"Obligatory disturbed reaction," Alice deadpanned, before noticing the contemplative look on Reimu's face. Raising an eyebrow, she nudged her. "You're not really thinking about accepting her offer, are you?"

Reimu blushed. "Noooooooooo?"

Alice sighed. "I need a vacation after this. A long, nice vacation, far away from everyone else..."

**"I should've known. She didn't like me. Girls never like me," Caboose whispered sadly.**

"Aw, I like you," Sanae smiled, inconspicuously whipping her nose clean.

**"Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you," Tucker said back.**

"Up yours, jerk head! No one likes YOU!"

**"I like me..."**

**"I don't think I've seen a girl that mean before.** ("Obviously he never met Reimu." *WHACK* "OW!")** Are you sure she's a chick, and not a guy? Or like part guy, part shark?"**

"Are there any youkai like that?" asked Aya, tapping her chin in thought.

"Wakasagihime and other mermaids maybe?" Reimu offered. "Come to think of it, here're surprisingly few fish-type youkai in Gensokyo."

**_"I'm pretty sure I would know if Tex was a guy, and I'm __DEFINITLY __sure I would know if she was part shark,"_ Church answered.**

"I guess that means she doesn't have teeth down there," Marisa said with a smirk, while the other girls blanched at that mental image.

"Heavens, WHAT is wrong with you?!" Alice groaned, gulping down her gastric acids.

Marisa simply shrugged. "I should probably stop using my face as a cushion when I crash."

"... How do you even function?"

**"Wait, wait, wait... if she's a girl, then why is she named Tex?" Caboose asked curiously.**

**_"Uh... because she's from Texas,"_ Church answered in a 'duh'-tone of voice. Caboose just stared silently at him for a few moments. _"Trust me, it makes sense,"_ he relented.**

"In his defence, a lot of names in Gensokyo relate to ones origins or abilities," Sanae noted, siding with Church.

**_"And you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with. "_**

"I REALLY doubt that," Reimu snarled, Sanae nodding in agreement.

**"Right. You should blame God. First he makes hangovers and now half-women, half-sharks that won't even sleep with me. THANKS FOR NOTHING, GOD!" Tucker shouted towards the sky.**

The girls laughed at his misfortune.

**"Will you shut up with that? She got recruited into some kind of weird experimental program back in basic, where they infused her armour with this really aggressive A.I.," Church defended his former girlfriend. _"I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is that it made her meaner and tougher than hell."_**

"They were experimenting on their own soldiers?" Alice asked with frown. "Things are getting more and more dubious with this army."

**"A.I... what's the A stands for?"**  
**_  
"Artificial."_**

**"... What's the I-?"**  
**_  
"Intelligence."_**

**"Ooooooh. What was the A again?"**

**_"Let's move on."_**

"'Artificial Intelligence'? You mean, like artificial life?" Aya asked in surprise, looking at Sanae.

"Kind of, but it's a bit more complicated than that. Basically, A.I.'s are machines that can think and function on their own," Sanae explained. "They can be really smart, but still lack the ability to solve problems creatively or act like an actual living being."

"Wow, that sounds awesome," Aya whistled, while the other girls were just as impressed. "The kappas would go nuts if they ever get their hands on something like that."

"I wonder what would happen if we could mix outside technology and magic?" the Moriya miko mused. "On one hand, we could end up with Skynet. On the other, WALL-E..."

"What are you babbling about?" asked Reimu, tilting her head.

"Oh, nothing important. Maybe I'll visit Kourindou next time I'm in the village..."

**"So, the military put this program in her head and that program made her a killer, but underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?" Tucker asked in a disbelieving tone.**

"Why would they do that?" wondered Marisa. "Having two voices in your head would be super confusing, wouldn't it?"

"Remember what I said earlier?" Sanae answered. "A.I.'s can think much faster than an ordinary human or youkai. That's means they speed up your own thought and reaction process as well."

"Sounds useful."

**_"Oh, __hell__ no! She's always been a rotten bitch. It's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements."_**

"Wait, if she's such a bitch anyway, why were they dating?" Reimu asked.

"Maybe Marisa was on to something," smirked Aya, giving the red and white miko a playful nudge.

"Maybe Tex didn't love Mr. Church after all?" Sanae suggested. "I mean, why would anyone hurt someone they actually like?"

Alice and Marisa looked at Sanae, then at each other.

* * *

\- FLASHBACK START -

"So," Alice asked, as Marisa sat down next to her. "How was your date?"

"I chokeslammed him through a table."

Alice put down the book she was reading, staring at Marisa as if she had grown a second, and then a third, head.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I chokeslammed him through a table," Marisa repeated, as if that were a perfectly normal thing to say to another person.

"... What is a '_Chokeslam'_?"

"It's a wrestling move. I grabbed him by the throat, lifted him over my head and slammed him onto his back."

"Why did you 'chokeslam' the poor boy?!"

"Because I wanted to do an 'Undertaker' move but didn't feel like setting him up for a 'Piledriver'."

"This conversation is creating more questions than answers," Alice sighed, eyeing the cup of tea on the side table next to her. "We'll continue when I get something a bit stronger. Maybe you'll make more sense after a glass, or six, of red wine."

\- Ten minutes and seven glasses of wine later -

"Nope," said the puppeteer, polishing off her drink and setting her glass onto the counter. "You're still an idiot."

"Whatever," said Marisa, leaning back in her chair. "Can I go now? I have another date later."

Alice grabbed the wine, ignoring her glass, and took a long swig straight from the bottle.

"With whom?" she asked with a sigh. Marisa shrugged, at which point Alice took another swig. "You do understand that you are what drives me to drink, don't you?"

"Keine hooked me up with someone," Marisa answered nonchalantly. "Probably gonna powerbomb him or something."

"Should I even bother asking?"

"I bend him over at the waist and put his head between my legs..."

"Please keep it PG."

"... Then, I grab him around the middle and flip him up so that he's sitting on my shoulders and he's facing behind me. Then I drop down to my butt and slam him onto his back."

"Do you always slam your potential dates onto their spines?" Alice groaned.

Marisa shook her head. "Most dudes are too heavy to get them over my head for any of the really cool moves. Normally, I go for a 'Spear' or something."

"'Spear'?"

"Is Cirno still around?"

"Last time I saw her she was outside chasing butterflies," Alice answered. She instantly grew suspicious as Marisa stood up. "Why?"

Alice quickly followed her through the living room and out the front door. They stepped onto the front yard, where the little ice fairy was indeed flying back and forth in hot pursuit of a bright yellow butterfly.

Marisa dropped to a crouch, raking back her hair with her hands.

"What are you doing?" asked Alice, finishing off her wine. Again, Marisa ignored her, completely focused on whatever it was she was doing. She stuck out her tongue, licking her lips repeatedly in a truly eccentric fashion.

"Oi, Cirno!"

Said fairy instinctively turned to face the source of the voice, freezing when she saw Marisa's stance.

"Oh please, no!" Cirno squealed, though it was too late. As soon as she was fully turned around, Marisa bolted forward, then flung herself through the air, burying her shoulder in Cirno's gut and brought her to the ground.

"That's a 'Spear'," Marisa grinned, dusting the grass from her skirt. "But I can't always set them up for that, 'cause I don't have enough room to get enough speed, so I'll lock in a 'Liontamer'."

"Stop murdering my guests!" shouted Alice. "I'm not losing out on my weekend holding her hands in the hospital because you punctured her lung!"

"She's fine," Marisa argued, rolling her eyes. "We have been doing this for years."

"You just flattened her!"

"Again, she's fine." She looked over to Cirno, who was coughing and sputtering while holding her stomach in agony. "Hey, ice cube. You okay?"

Cirno gave a weak thumbs-up.

"See? She's fine."

"She's trying to stop her intestines from rupturing!" shouted Alice. "She is not fine! She's... what the fuck are you doing?!"

While Alice was talking, Marisa had grabbed Cirno's legs and flipped her onto her stomach. Then she bent her back as far as she could, keeping her head down with one knee.

"'Liontamer'. I didn't explain that one," said Marisa, almost unheard over Cirno's tearful sobs. She leaned back at Cirno, slightly impressed by her resolve. "There's no shame in tapping out, kiddo." Immediately, Cirno slapped the ground with her palm several times. Marisa released her grip and stepped off of the new pretzel of a fairy girl.

"You still haven't explained," snarled Alice. "Why do you do this to everyone you like?"

"I dunno. Just felt like the thing to do, y'know?" said Marisa with a shrug. Alice sighed and then ventured into the house for a moment. She returned shortly with another bottle of wine, which she uncorked with her teeth and took a heavy glug.

"What do you hope to happen every time you do this lunacy?"

"I guess I'm hoping that the dude will think its cool and be all impressed."

"Tell me, has this wrestling approach ever worked a single time?"

"Well... no."

"Then why do you keep trying?!"

"Cause I came close once," answered the witch. "It almost worked when I did an 'Eat Defeat' once."

Alice would later blame the next moment on the wine.

"What the fuck is an 'Eat Defeat'?" she asked. As soon as she did, she regretted it. She tried to abort, to say 'Nevermind, I don't care', but Marisa was too fast.

She rushed over to the puppeteer and grabbed her by the back of the head. With amazing gracefulness and agility, she put the bottom of her foot underneath Alice's chin. After hopping in place for a moment to keep her balance, she fell onto her back, bringing Alice down and slamming her face against the bottom of her boot.

"That's 'Eat Defeat'," said Marisa after leaping to her feet. "Any questions?"

Alice gave no response on account of being mostly unconscious, so Marisa assumed her work was done. She turned to drag the forlorn body into the house with a whistle.

"I think the date can wait."

\- FLASHBACK END -

* * *

They looked back at Sanae.

"No idea," they said simultaneously. Reimu and Aya looked at them in suspicion.

**"Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there, buddy. She's a keeper," Tucker snarled.**

"Only if you have, 'unique', interests," Alice commented.

**_"So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?"_ Church asked.**

"Oh, here it comes," Marisa said with a smile.

**"I think so... that guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend, so that makes you... a gay robot," Caboose said.**

Silence.

**_"... Yeah. That's right. I'm a gay robot,"_ Church replied, clearly not even going to attempt to correct him.**

Reimu, Marisa and Aya were howling with laughter, while Alice and Sanae shook their heads with a small smile on their lips.

"I think that's about the best we could've hoped for," Alice quipped.

* * *

**Meanwhile at Red Base, Grif and Simmons were guarding Tex.**

"Why didn't they handcuffed her? Or took away her armour?" Aya asked, getting a raised eyebrow from everyone else. "Oh yeah, they're idiots."

"Does she even wear anything under it?" Marisa smirked.

**"So... you're a girl, huh?" Grif asked.**

"Dude, are you really hitting on the prisoner?" Reimu groaned.

"Well, remember what Vic said. They must be pretty desperate," Aya added with a smirk.

**Tex just stared at him silently.**

**"Just ignore him. That's what I do," Simmons sighed.**

**"Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya?"**

"Careful, buddy," Aya warned.

**"Hey, punk. I don't need a weapon to kill you."**

"Exactly."

**"Yeah, right? What're you gonna do? Punch me?"**

**Tex just stood still for a moment, before taking a quick step forward.**

**"Aaah! Not in the face!" Grif pleaded as he backed up.**

"Pussy," laughed Marisa.

* * *

**\- Meanwhile, back at Blue Base -**

**_"Well don't worry, because I have a great plan for how we're going to rescue Tex," _Church announced.**

"This can only end in a disaster," Alice commented. "And fire. Lots of fire. And probably explosions."

"I find it very sweet how he still tries to rescue Tex, even after all what happened between them," Sanae smiled gently, before her expression turned dark. _**"ThAt BiTcH dOeSn'T dEsErVe HiS kInDnEsS."**_

The others group-hugged each other.

**"A plan? Aw, man, I hate plans. That means we're gonna have to do stuff," Tucker whined.**

Reimu looked at Marisa.

Marisa looked at Reimu.

"Oh, fuck you!" Marisa complained.

**"Can't we just have a strategy or a mission statement?"**

**_"I just need you guys to run a distraction while I spring Tex."_**

"Phrasing~!" sang Aya, laughing.

**"'Distraction'? Heh, that sounds a lot like 'decoy'," Caboose noted.**

"Wow. Look's like there's a brain in there somewhere after all," Reimu joked, earning her a pout from Sanae.

**_"The way I see it, the Reds have no idea how many Freelancers we have out here. So all I need from the two of you is to run around in the middle of the canyon, wearing black armour, while I sneak in the back of the base."_**

"That... is actually not a bad plan," Alice admitted. "But where are they supposed to get black armour from?"

**"Sounds good. But Church, where the hell are we gonna get two suits of black armour?" Tucker asked.**

**Church looked to the side. Tucker followed his gaze.**

**Both were starring at the teleporters.**

**"... Oh, fuckberries."**

**The screen then went black.**

* * *

"Fuckbeeries, indeed," Alice stated with a smirk.

* * *

**Character Introduction**

Name: **Wakasagihime**

Race: Youkai (Mermaid)

Notes:

Wakasagihime is a normally quiet, peaceful youkai mermaid who lives in the 'Misty Lake', singing songs and picking up stones.

That's basically it.

* * *

**Additional Information**

**Kourindou:**

Kourindou (Kōrindō, lit. 'Hall of Fragrant Rain') is an antique store seated between human civilization and the Forest of Magic, run by the half-youkai Rinnosuke Morichika.

Though it's a somewhat well-known establishment, Rinnosuke rarely (if ever) actually sells anything, despite keeping an exhaustive inventory - he mostly trades and/or puts up with the 'creative borrowing' of Marisa and the curious kappas.

The inventory of Kourindou is (presumably) its main draw, as it mostly includes items from the Outside World that somehow found their way into Gensokyo. Teacups, feather pillows, computing magazines, kerosene heaters and even an iPod have made their way there over time.


	18. S1E14 - Roomier than it Looks

**Season 01 / Episode 14: Roomier than it Looks**

**Church was standing next to the teleporter exit, when Tucker jumped out of it, covered in 'black stuff'.  
**

Alice raised a brow. "That's actually a very clever use of faulty equipment, but shouldn't they at least _try_ to repair the damage?"

"They're the Blues," reminded Reimu. "They would either create a portal to another reality or a changing room if it's Tucker. Or blow up the canyon. Or all three."

"Point taken."

**_"Are you ok, Tucker?"_**

**"Yeah, I'm fine."**

"Still wanna know where the soot is coming from," Aya said, scratching the back of her head.

The others simply shrugged in response, unsure themselves, but not really giving a fuck either.

**Both of them ran up the nearby hill. "COME ON, CABOOSE!" Tucker shouted over to the rookie, who was still standing on top of the Blue Base.**

**"DOES IT HURT!?" Caboose yelled back, clearly nervous.**

**"NO, NOT AT ALL!"**

"That armour they're wearing must be really heat-proof then," mused Sanae. The rest of the group sweat-dropped, they already guessed what was going to happen next.

**"OKAY! HERE I COME!" Hesitating shortly, Caboose finally entered the teleporter, disappearing from view.**

**Church and Tucker turned to the exit.**

**_"Does it hurt for real?"_ Church asked in a casual manner.**

**"Oh yeah. Big time," Tucker answered, just as nonchalantly.**

"Oh, you butt munchers!" Sanae frowned, not liking that kind of pranks from past experiences.

"Yikes," Marisa grinned. "San-chan is throwing around the big words!"

**"Owwwwwchie!" Caboose winced as he came out, his armour now covered in soot as well. He turned around to glare at Tucker. "You lied to me," he growled in an unamused tone.**

Sanae pouted. "Son of a nutcracker..."

Marisa giggled.

* * *

**\- Meanwhile with the Reds -**

**Sarge looked over the canyon from the top of his base.**

**"Ah, damnit," he cursed. "Lopez, c'mere." The brown-armoured soldier walked up to him. "Do you see something out there?"**

**As Lopez raised his rifle in response, the camera panned down to Grif and Simmons inside the base.**

**Standing around and talking.**

"They should focus on guarding Tex," Aya stated with crossed arms. "Leaking possibly important information in front of your enemy is just asking for trouble."

"I really doubt those idiots have anything vital to spill to begin with," Reimu remarked.

**"There's not _'L' _in it, it's pronounced_ 'both'_," Simmons explained in annoyance.**

**"That's what I'm saying._ 'Bolth'_," Grif insisted.**

"Case in point," she noted, looking at the self-appointed star reporter. "What's your deal anyway?"

"Do you know through what lengths I usually go to get my intelligence?"

"Dunno, sitting behind a shrub all day, spying on people?"

"Exactly! Do you know how hard that is on my ass?" asked the tengu, rubbing her aforementioned body part in phantom pain. "I hate it if they then just spill the beans like that!"

"Why are you complaining?" Alice chimed in the conversation. "Wouldn't that be much easier for you?"

"It's a matter of pride!"

"'Matter of pride', my sweet ass," Marisa commented in a deadpan tone.

"Says the thieving bitch."

"Stalker crow."

"Bolth of you, shut up," Reimu groaned, leaning back in exhaustion.

**"Both," Simmons** and Alice **said** simultaneously.

**"You sound like such an ass the way you say it."**

**Sarge looked down to them through the hole in the base. "Grif, quit your yammering and get your keister up here. Need some help. Got more of them Special Ops headed towards the base."**

"Why is there a hole in their roof anyway?" asked Sanae in confusion. "What do they do if it rains?"

"Maybe it never rains there?" Marisa suggested.

"Right," Alice said sarcastically. "And the sun probably never sets either."

**"As in 'more than one'?" Grif asked. "Uh, maybe we should bolth go, sir."**

**"Both!"** **/**/ "BOTH!"

**"Seriously, man. Like an ass."**

**"Well, well. Another brilliant idea from the think tank," Sarge replied. "Why don't you both come up? Leave the prisoner alone. We can just put her on the honour system, have her guard herself."**

**"Good point, sir."**

**"YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT IT IS! Now get your ass up here. We got just enough time for me to spray paint the bull's-eye on your back... uh, by 'bull's-eye' I of course me 'camouflage'. Now move it, cupcake."**

"Mhmm, we should write that one down," mused Alice, tapping her chin in thought.

"Agreed," Reimu stated, taking a sip from her tea with closed eyes.

"... Why do I suddenly feel like someone signed my death sentence?" Marisa shivered, sweating profusely.

**"Yeah," Grif sighed in defeat. "I'll be right up." He turned around and headed out of the base.**

* * *

**\- Meanwhile with the Blues -**

**Church was now standing on the cliff, looking at the Red Base through the scope of his sniper rifle. He zoomed in on Grif as he ran around his base.**

**_"Hey Tucker, come in, man. You there? This is Church. It's working. The orange one is coming out of the base,"_ he said over the radio. _"I repeat, the orange one is coming out of the base."_**

**"Roger that," Tucker acknowledged, hiding behind a rock, with Caboose behind him.**

"Wow, the Blues can act like actual soldiers too if they try," noted Aya.

"Wait for it...," Reimu announced, raising a finger.

**"Oh, oh, oh, oh! Tucker, Tucker, Tucker! Is that… is that Church?" Caboose asked excitedly.**

"There it is."

Sanae covered her mouth to hide her giggling.

**[_"Okay, now just keep-"_]**

**"Tell him that I... that I said-"**  
**_  
["-moving around the outside of the-"]_**

**"-for me to say 'Hi'?"**

**[_"-base, and draw their attention."_]**

**Tucker turned his face to the rough direction of the cliff. "Whoa, wait, wait, hey. What? I missed that, Caboose was talking to me." He then turned back to chastise Caboose. "Shut up, man. I'm on the radio."**

**_"I said 'Just keep movin-',"_ Church repeated from his position, before he noticed that he went ignored.**

**["I'm not yelling, I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Church!"] Tucker grumbled, his conversation with Caboose being picked up by the radio. ["No, I'll tell him you said 'Hi' later. No, you can't talk to him. How could you possibly talk to him on _my _headset?!"]**

"I know your pain, man," Aya sighed. "Momiji and Hatate behave the samy way when we have a stake-out."

**_"Oh my god,"_ Church groaned as he clicked off his radio. _"I can't believe I actually died for this war," _he muttered as he jogged off.**

"I can't believe you fought for this 'war'," Alice commented. "War in the broadest sense of the word of course."

Marisa stood up, and solemnly crossed her right hand over her heart. "Private Leonard Church. Died by a friendly missile to the face, protecting a fucking flag. He was a prick and a horrible shot. He won't be missed."

Then she broke down laughing, the others soon following her example. Even Sanae had tears of laughter rolling down her cheeks.

* * *

**\- Back at the Red Base -**

**Grif was looking through the sniper rifle with Sarge at his side, neither of them noticing the semi-transparent form of Church jogging towards their base.**

**"I don't see any-" Grif began, only to spot Caboose, running from one cover to another. "Uh oh. Yep, there's one." Caboose then just stopped in front of a rock. "... Why is he just standing there?"**

* * *

**\- With Tucker and Caboose -**

**"Caboose, get behind the rock! They can still see you!" Tucker shouted from his hideout.**

**"They can't see me. I can't see them!"**

**"That's because you're facing the rock!"**

**"Oh! Right," Caboose replied before moving behind the boulder.**

"Oh Caboose...," Sanae smiled warmly.

**"Real smooth, dipshit," Tucker snarled in exhaustion.**

"I think we found Cirno's long lost brother," quipped Aya, chuckling.

"Wait," Marisa added with a grin. "Does that mean he's wings, too?"

Everyone looked up at the ceiling in thought, visualizing Caboose in his giant blue armour with small fairy-like wings, flying around happily, playing with other fairies.

They promptly broke down laughing again.

* * *

**\- With the Reds -**

**"They're definitely Special Ops," Sarge stated, unaware of Church sneaking up behind him. "I haven't seen troop movements this coordinated** ("Hah!" everyone yelled at once) **since my days on Side-"**

**Church jumped him, diving into his body. "Hegerkerkerk!"**

"Looks like Church can possess people now. I guess that's a thing," Reimu stated.

"Wait, was Mr. Sarge about to say 'Sidewinder'? He and Mr. Church were once stationed on the same planet?" Sanae asked in wonder.

"Huh, small world... universe... whatever," Marisa commented.

"Guess he was relocated after the 'incident' with Tex," mused Alice, carefully paraphrasing the brutal event they watched for Sanae's sake.

**Grif and Lopez turned around at the strange sounds their CO was making.**

**"Sir, are you okay?"**

**_"Uh... who you talking to, Red. Me?"_ the possessed Sarge asked, his voice overlapped by Church's.**

"Ugh, that's really creepy," Sanae shuddered. "Imagine someone takes control over your body."

"Imagine Tucker taking control over your body," Marisa remarked absentmindedly, before paling along with the others.

"I never thought I would say that, but I really hope he doesn't die. Ever," Alice whispered weakly.

**"No, I'm talking to Lopez. Because, you know, that's real rewarding," Grif deadpanned. Lopez took a swing at Grif, which he casually side-stepped. "Hey, what'd I tell you about that?!"**

"I just realized, we've never heard him talk, have we?" Reimu noted.

"Like I said, he seems to be the strong, silent type," Aya smirked.

**_"Oh, I-um, I-I'm fine. That's... I'm just so mad about these, uh, god damn Blues out here. They got me so god damn mad, I could spit,"_ Church/Sarge replied, trying to sound convincing. He sniffed back and spitted out a loogie.**

**Inside his closed helmet.**

"Did he just-?" Alice began.

**"Um, sir? Did you just spit inside your own helmet?"**

**_"Uh, yeah. I guess I did."_**

"Eeeew!" Almost everyone groaned, with Alice looking particularly disgusted.

**"... Permission to speak freely, sir?"**

**_"Go ahead."_**

**"That's really. Fucking. Gross."**

"That's the first thing you've said that I completely agree with," Alice agreed, her face still green.

* * *

**\- With Tucker and Caboose -**

**"Hey, Tucker?" Caboose began, hocking next to his fellow Blue.**

**"What?"**

**"I'm having a really good time... with you."**

"Hatate sounds the same when she's trying to flirt with me during an observation," Aya reminisced.

**"That's great, Caboose," Tucker replied, clearly annoyed.**

"And that's how I sound."

**"Yeah. It's like we're real soldiers!"**

**"Would you_ please_ go hide behind another rock?"**

"Uhm, aren't they supposed to be soldiers anyway?" Sanae asked.

"I'm holding onto hope that the answer is no, then there will be some sanity in this universe," Alice replied.

* * *

**\- Meanwhile at the Red Base -**

**Church/Sarge walked up next to Simmons and Tex. _"Hey, man. What's up, yo?"_ he said, trying to sound natural.**

**And failing spectacularly.**

"'What's up, yo'_?_," Marisa sweat-dropped. "Is he even trying?"

**"Um... hey... what's going on out there, sir?" Simmons asked in bewilderment, turning around.**

**_"What's, uh, why nothin'. Why would you ask if something's wrong?"_**

**"I think that's a perfectly normal question in a time of war."**

**_"Yeah, well... I don't know. You're starting to act kind of suspicious there... other red guy. So I'ma... keep my eye on you."_**

"Ho-ly fuck, we found an even worse liar than you," stated the blond witch, pocking Sanae.

The shrine maiden in question pouted. "You make it sound like being honest is a bad thing..."

**Ignoring his supposed CO's strange behaviour, Simmons turned back to Tex. "Sarge, I'm starting to think that-," he stopped dead in his tracks as Church dashed over and knocked him out. "Ow, geez, the back of my head!"**

"Maybe you should take notes, too," smirked Alice, looking at her fellow magician.

"I rather come up with my own catch phrases, thank you," snarled Marisa back.

**"What the hell are you doing!?" Tex, who was quiet till now, asked in confusion.**

**_"Tex, it's me! Church! I've come to rescue you."_**

**"... You're kind of short to be Church."**

"How would she know? They're all the same size in their armour," asked Aya.

**_"What? Oh yeah, right. The armour. Hrghgk!"_ Sarge shook a bit as Church left his body.**

**"What in Sam Hell?" Sarge said aloud, looking around disorientated. "Where the... who spit on my visor?!"**

"Urgh, he didn't even have the courtesy to clean that up?" Alice gagged in disgust.

**_"Tex, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay? I'm a spirit now and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possessed this red guy, so I could sneak into the base and rescue you, while the rest of our guys run around out in the middle of the canyon, dressed in black armour, that they got from going through the teleporter."_**

**"... Okay."**

"Seriously? She's not going to question any of that?" Marisa commented. "The fuck?"

**_"What? That's it? 'Okay'? You're not surprised by any of this?"_ Church asked incredulously.**

**"No. It pretty much all makes sense."**

"Well, she's not wrong but...," Sanae added, just as bewildered.

**_"Not even the whole 'Church is a ghost' thing? That didn't do anything for ya?!"_**

**"I can see right through you, it's pretty obvious."**

"Man, talk about a 'zero fucks given' attitude," Reimu concluded, slightly impressed.

**_"… Okay, well, let me hop back in this guy and we'll get out of there,"_ Church relented, before possessing Sarge again.**

* * *

**\- Outside the Red Base -**

**Caboose was holding his sniper rifle while standing on a rock, with Tucker behind him.**

**"What are you doing?"**

**"One of the Reds has Tex," Caboose informed, as said Freelancer left the base, following after Church/Sarge.**

"I can't even fault him for that," Alice admitted. "Church didn't explain that part of his plan that well. But considering it is Caboose we're talking about, it would have been for naught anyway..."

**"I'm going to shoot him... and kill him... and free Tex. Then Church will forgive me for killing him. And we will be friends..."**

"Oh dear," Sanae muttered silently.

**"Oh, come on. You don't actually believe any of that, do you?"**

**"Ohh, we're gonna be best friends," Caboose insisted as he lined up the shot with Church/Sarge's head.**

"Is this really gonna happen, AGAIN?" Reimu groaned. "We just got Sanae to calm down!"

"Also, he sounds creepy. Like _really_ creepy," Aya added.

**_"Alright, I'll make one more distraction, then you run up to the teleporter and escape,"_ Church/Sarge ordered. _"Ready? One... two... three!"_ he shouted and started to move...**

**Right as a sniper round hit him square in the head.**

**Sarge's body dropped like a sack of potatoes, leaving Church's ghost standing at its previous spot, confused. _"What the-? Where did my body go?"_**

**The screen turned black.**

**_"Oh, you've got to be __kidding__ me!"_**

**"Tucker did it!" Caboose yelled quickly.**

* * *

The room was silent as everyone looked at each other. Then as one, they all let out a big sigh.

"Caboose, you team-killing fucktard bitch ass."X 4

"Caboose, you ninnyhammer." X 1

"... That's really cute, San-chan."

Cue 'Cute pouting face of Doom'.

* * *

**Character Introduction**

Name: **Hatate Himekaidou**

Race: Youkai (Crow Tengu)

Age: unknown

Occupation: Reporter

Eyes: Brown

Hair: Brown

Special Features: She's the only one in Gensokyo having a modern cell phone

Title: Modern Day Spirit Photographer

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Spirit Photography

Notes:

Hatate Himekaidou is a tengu reporter who puplishes a newspaper called the 'Kakashi Spirit News'. Unlike Aya, she never goes outside for her newspaper research. Instead, she uses her ability called spirit photography, which allows her to mentally photograph anything from long distances and burn them onto surfaces.

After reading the 'Bunbunmaru', she decided to observe Aya's way of gathering for her articles.


	19. About clean Armour and Side Stories

**About clean Armour and Side Stories**

**The episode opened with Tucker standing inside the base, facing the camera. A picture of Church, framed with flowers, was nailed to the wall behind him.**

"Guess this was taken right after Church died," Alice stated.

**"Hey, this is Tucker here from the Blue Army. We're not releasing a video this week because, who are we kidding? We can't compete with anything that's related to Halo 2. So take this opportunity to download the new footage, and I'll take this opportunity to clean all this black crap off my armour."**

**Caboose appeared from below the screen. "You? I'm the one doing all the polishing here."**

Marisa grinned. "Keep rubbing Caboose, give us something to watch."

Sanae blushed heavily, while Aya was chuckling, and the other two were groaning in annoyance.

**"Caboose, did I tell you to stop? Get back to work." Caboose crouched back down.**

Marisa opened her mouth, but was silenced by Reimu whacking the witch on the back of her head.

For good measure, Alice was whirling her newspaper between her fingers in a threatening manner as well.

**"See you next week!" Tucker finished as the screen faded to black.**

**"What is this stuff? Gum?"**

"Well, that was short," Aya commented. "Next episode!"

* * *

**\- How it all started -**

"... How?" asked Simmons in befuddlement, looking at Sarge.

"Ah meet some fancy gal who was willin' to trade the tales of our glorious battles for a favour," Sarge chuckled as he looked at the pure red sky.

And that's how Yukari found out about 'Red vs. Blue'.

* * *

**\- No one to blame but yourself -**

"Hey, I bet you ten bucks you and your friends won't be able to beat Caboose in an arm-wrestling contest," challenged Tucker a certain shrine maiden.

"Oh yeah? Deal!" grinned Reimu, rubbing her hands in anticipation.

Sitting down at the table, Reimu stretched her arm over to Caboose, who grabbed it on a prompt from Church. Tucker stepped out of the group of onlookers and positioned himself right next to the two contestants.

"Okay, first one to touch the table loses. You can call in help if you wish. On three-"

"Wait, on three or three then we go?"

"On three, Grif. It's faster. Now, one, two, THREE!"

With various girls from Gensokyo cheering for Reimu, and the Reds and Blues (as well as a certain green-haired miko) yelling out their support for Caboose, the match started.

Reimu roared and pushed with all her strength, determined to win this challenge with one mighty attack. As sweat was starting to roll down her face, she caught a short glimpse of her opponent.

To her shock, his arm was not budging. Not even a little bit.

The crowd turned silent as Reimu signaled for her friends to help.

Caboose looked around idly, keeping his eyes fixed on a random butterfly, completely oblivious to the various humans, youkai and gods using all their otherworldly powers and brute strength to try and win the bet.

It still would not work.

Just then Caboose regained his attention. "Hey Church, are we starting yet?"

"YES YOU IDIOT!"

"OKAY."

One swift move was all what it took.

One swift move and Caboose slammed his arm down onto the table, throwing over a dozen girls over to the floor below and breaking the entire table.

Shocked faces were being drawn across everyone else in the shrine.

"Did I win?" Caboose asked as he was lifted into the air by his fellow soldiers.

"Yep. Reimu, pay up. That's what you get for wrestling with a guy who's oblivious to x10 gravity."

* * *

**\- Fear of Heights-**

"You know, as a trained soldier, former member of a secret special operation unit, someone who was flying with one of the craziest pilots of the UNSC and jumped off of a collapsing skyscraper...," Agent David Washington gripped Marisa's shoulders like a vice. "I only have one thing to say: LETMEDOWN LETMEDOWN LETMEDOWN LETMEDOWN!"

Marisa let out something that sounded very close to a laugh as she performed another barrel roll in the sky, the former freelancer screaming all the while.

* * *

**\- Scarlet Ball Buster -**

"And now class, I, Laoshi Hong Meiling, will be demonstrating the proper ways to do haymakers, counters and windmill kicks."

"Yeah, that's cool and all, BUT WHY AM I THE PUNCHING BAG?!"

"It just feels right~."

"Up yours, China... hold on, hold! No, no, no not in the balls! Not in the... oh god, why?!"

* * *

_Short but sweet.  
_

_Side story 2 was inspired by a short comic crossover between RWBY and RvB I read somewhere._


	20. S1E15 - How the Other Half Lives

**Season 01 / Episode 15: How the Other Half Lives**

**The scene opened up with Sarge standing next to a small hill, looking around in confusion.**

**_"Hello?"_ he called out in a distorted voice. The scenery was extremely dull, the colour of everything being slightly faded. Sarge walked up the hill and stopped as the sound of a wolf howling, or possibly the wind blowing, rang out.**

"Holy fuck!" Marisa exclaimed. "I was so focused on Church getting team-killed by Caboose again that I forgot Sarge died!"

"Amazing what rampant, unbridled stupidity can make you forget," Alice deadpanned.

"So that's how the afterlife looks for them?" asked Reimu, tilting her head slightly. "Doesn't really compare to the Hakugyokurou in the Netherworld, does it?"

"It was a shithole from the beginning anyway, what did you expect?" Aya waved her of.

Sanae sniffed slightly. "At least he's a ghost like Mr. Church."

**_"Hello?"_ he called out again, turning in all directions. _"I said 'hello'. Hello? Is anybody out here?"_**

**_"Holy cow, would you stop yelling?"_ Church complained as he appeared out of nowhere, walking up to Sarge. _"I'm here."_**

"Did anyone else notice that the team leaders died first?" Marisa noted, looking at the others.

Everyone shrugged.

"So being the leader of either army sucks," Reimu summarized. "Big surprise there."

_**"What is this place?"**_

**_"Well, that's... kinda hard to explain. Um... you were shot in the head, buddy,"_ Church answered. _"So, here ya are."_**

_**"Am I dead?"**_

_**"'Are you dead?' Well, yeah, that's how I ended up here."**_

_**"... Are you some kinda angel?"**_

"What's an angel?" Aya asked. "And why would he think Church's one?"

"It's a bit complicated," Sanae started, taking a sip from her tea. "Basically, they are the messengers of the Christian God, and they look like humans with wings."

"So like us tengus?"

"Close enough. Sometimes they also guide the souls of deceased humans to the afterlife."

"Why doesn't he recognized him?" Reimu wondered aloud. "He's not exactly subtle."

"Maybe they never meet in person?" Alice offered with a shrug.

**_"Heh heh, am I an angel?'"_ Church chuckled, clearly amused by Sarge's assumption. _"... Uh, ahem, yeah, actually, I am. I'm an angel. Um, do you want to go to heaven? 'Cause it's, like, ten bucks to get in."_**

"Heaven is the paradise in the afterlife, and no, you don't have to pay an entrance fee," Sanae commented with a sigh before anyone could ask.

"Sounds like something Reimu would do," Marisa giggled, earning herself a punch in the gut from the shrine maiden in question.

**_"Well, I, uh, didn't really bring any... I mean, my wallets back in the car-,"_ Sarge stuttered.**

_**"Hey, you don't have it there, huh? Well, uh... that's too bad. Pretty crappy reason to be damned to hell for an eternity."**_

"The anti-paradise for sinners."

"So the place where Marisa is most likely gonna end up?"

"Yup."

"F-Fuck you guys," wheezed the witch, gasping for air.

_**"I don't remember dyin'."**_

_**"Yeah, that was my fault too. I was... sort of possessing you body at the time that you were shot. Sorry about that."**_

"Hey, by the way, it's my fault you were killed. Sorry 'bout that buddy!" laughed Aya.

**_"Hold on a second, that ain't fair!"_ Sarge complained.**

_**"'Not fair?' Yeah, join the freakin' club. I got shot by my own tank."**_

**The view changed to Sheila, standing behind Church and pointing her cannon at him.**

**_["Target locked."]_**

"Hey, it's Sheila!" cheered Marisa.

"Wait, how did she end up there?" asked Alice in confusion. "She's just a machine! She doesn't have a soul!"

"Hey, don't diss Sheila!" warned Marisa the puppeteer, an angry snarl on her face.

"Maybe she's like a tsukumogami?" hummed Reimu, scratching her cheek.

"Yeah, let's go with that," Alice agreed, actually backing away from the fuming witch.

**_"Oh, ha ha ha. Very funny, Sheila. Shut up,"_ Church snarked back. _"You know, I still haven't forgiven you. I didn't say you could talk to me yet. Go over ther- g-get, go over by the base. Shoo! Shoo!"_**

**Sheila dejectedly lowered her cannon, before she turned around and drove away.**

"She looks like a beaten dog," Reimu commented.

**"Sarge! Don't you give up on me soldier! Do you hear me!? I'm ordering you!" Grif shouted.**

**A wobbly image of Grif and Simmons leaning over Sarge's body appeared, with Grif kneeling down next to him.**

**_"Who is that? Who's there?"_ Sarge asked, turning to face the voice.**

**_"Looks like your guys are trying to save you,"_ Church explained.**

**"You gotta breathe, man! You gotta pull through! Come on, Sarge!" Grif shouted desperately, performing CPR on Sarge.**

**With the butt of his rifle.**

"Wow. Is Grif... actually trying to save Sarge?" Alice asked, surprised.

"Looks like he's really putting his all into, too. I'm kinda surprised," Reimu agreed.

"That's actually very nice of him, but why is he doing it like that?" sweat-dropped Sanae. "Shouldn't they at least try and take of his armour?"

**_"That is not the way you were trained to do that, private!"_ Sarge scolded.**

"Exactly!"

**_"He can't hear you,"_ Church explained.**

**"Grif, this isn't working. We have to try something else."**

**_"If he gives you mouth to mouth, I'm leaving,"_ Church declared in a deadpan voice.**

**"... Maybe you should give him mouth to mouth."**

_**"I'm leaving."**_

Everyone laughed at that.

"I would actually pay to see that," Aya quipped, Marisa nodding along.

"Urgh, thanks for the mental image," Alice winced, slightly green in the face.

**_"I can't believe how hard they're trying to save me,"_ Sarge said, starting to tear up a little.**

**_"Why wouldn't they? I mean, my team didn't, but why wouldn't yours?"_**

**_"I thought they didn't like me."_**

"Whatever gave you that idea?" Reimu snarked in a monotone voice.

"_**Aw, don't sell yourself short. I don't even know ya, and here I am about to guide you to heaven for five bucks."**_

_**"Hold on, if you're an angel, how come ain't got no wings?"**_

_**"Because nobody rang a bell, ha ha ha. Seriously, do have the money or don't you?"**_

Everyone looked at Reimu.

Reimu raised one finger in response.

**_"Oh, I feel the worst about Grif. I always made fun of him. I never even told him... he was my son."_**

"WAIT, WHAT!?" everyone shouted in shock.

**_"No way! The orange guy is your son?"_**

**_"Nah. I just wanted to screw with him one last time, but now I'll never get that chance."_**

Everyone groaned and rolled their eyes.

"We should have seen that one coming," Alice shook her head.

**"He's breathing! We saved Sarge!" Grif exclaimed in relief.**

**_"I'm what!?"_ Sarge asked.**

**_"He's what!?"_ Church added.**

"He's what?!"

**_"Well I'll be a monkey's... they saved me,"_ Sarge said as the camera began to move further and further away from him, signalling his return to the world of the living.**

**_"What? No, come back! We need to even the sides!"_**

**_"Thanks for your help, wingless angel fella! Will I remember any of this?"_Sarge asked, his voice fading away slowly.**

**_"Yes, but only if you give me two dollars!"_**

"Just give it up, Church," Aya groaned.

**The screen faded to black for a moment, before quickly fading back in, with Sarge standing back up, coughing.**

**"Where... what... what happened here?"**

**"Sir, you got shot in the head, so we gave you CPR and saved you, sir!" Simmons explained.**

"What," everyone said flatly.

"I can't believe that actually worked," Alice groaned, rubbing her temple.

"He was most likely just unconscious from the hit," Reimu mused. "Looks like their armour is not just for show."

"**I always believed in you, Simmons."**

**"Uh, actually, it's Grif you should thank, sir. He did all the work."**

"'Grif did all the work'," Alice repeated. "Never thought I would hear that sentence."

"It just sounds wrong, doesn't it?" Aya agreed.

**"Grif?" Sarge asked, turning to face the other man.**

**"Yes, sir?"**

**"Grif... why in hell would give someone CPR for a bullet wound in the head?! That doesn't make a lick of sense!"**

"Jeez dude, you just got brought back to life! Maybe you should try acting a little more thankful?" Marisa groaned.

**Grif sighed. "You're welcome, sir," he said in a voice that showed that he was clearly expecting that reaction.**

**"I mean it's all so damn inconsistent! What would you do if they stabbed me in the toe? Rub my neck with Aloe Vera?"  
**

"Well... that happened," Sanae stated with a sheepish smile. "At least he's still alive. That's a good thing!"

Silence.

Sanae sighed. "Nevermind."

**"Hey there Grif! I think I feel an aneurism comin' on. Could you help me out with one of them therapeutic massages?"**

* * *

**\- Training Days -**

Washington, Carolina and Tucker were running through what looked to be a forest of some kind, random rays of sun light reflecting from their armour.

"Learn to traverse difficult environments you must," Kasen Ibaraki said sagely, riding on Washington's back, with a half-eaten banana in her bandaged hand.

"Because terrified of gorillas am I!" she yelled as said gorillas suddenly appeared behind them, roaring angrily at the group.

"You just had to steal their fucking bananas!" the other three shouted in unison.

"I was hungry damn it!"

* * *

**\- The Brick Gensokyo Chronicles -**

"I have to admit, that is your best one yet," Reimu said with a smirk, while the other girls surrounding the table were already gasping for air from all their laughing.

"I try~," a fair-haired woman next to her answered, hiding her smile behind a fan.

"Oh hah-hah-hah. Very funny. You suck, Yukari!" a small voice announced.

Standing in the middle of a miniature version of Valhalla, a Mega Block-turned Grif shook a tiny fist at the air.

"Oh come on, Grif. It's not that bad," Reimu nudged him with her right index finger. "Just think about what you can do now."

"... Someone go get me a normal-sized slice of pizza," Grif ordered, pointing his hand at them.

"You better not be thinkin' of lightin' us up!" Sarge demanded from the top of the Red Base. "Ah've got mah birthday present and Ah ain't 'fraid t' use it!"

Marisa fell over laughing. "Th-Their voices are high pitched!"

"The only one of us that still sounds the same is Caboose," Simmons noted, hiding inside his base from the group's collective gaze.

"Put. Me. Down," Church growled in annoyance.

"But you are a toy now! And toys are huggable!" Caboose cheered.

"You're a toy, too, damn it!"

"Oh my god! We are all toys. I cannot wait to play with myself!"

"Bow chicka bow wow! Good one Caboose."

"Yes. Thank you... I don't get it."

"Ugh. Nevermind Caboose. Hey, how's Busty Green doing?"

"Still squirming on the ground and still squeaking," Yukari responded with barely contained amusement, watching as Chen was jumping repeatedly over Sanae's rolling form.

"At least her nosebleed stopped," Ran noted, standing behind her mistress.

["Seriously. Why am I a head even now?!"] Lopez complained, lying next to Sarge.

"You're right, Lopez. If she tried t' use her fire on us, we'll blast her with all th' firecrackers we've got!"

["Sarge. Learn. Spanish. Already!]

Sarge chuckled. "Oh, Lopez, Ah love ya too."

["... I hate you."]

"Aya, are you still shooting photos?" Alice asked, walking up to the reporter.

"But of course. One can never have enough blackmail material. Besides, Carolina asked me to do this before she ran away with Washington," the tengu replied. "And Donut gave me puppy dog eyes."

"But he wears a helmet all the time," Alice stated with a raised eyebrow.

"I could feel them through it," she defended herself, before they both blinked twice at the empty plate with Grif on it.

"I. Have. No. Regrets..."

"Wow. He ate the entire slice in three seconds flat," Aya awed.

"Please kill me..."

* * *

**Character Introduction**

Name: **Kasen Ibaraki**

Race: Youkai (Oni)

Age: unknown

Occupation: Hermit

Eyes: Red

Hair: Pink

Special Features: Kasen's bandaged right arm is actually artificial

Title: The One-Armed, Horned Sennin

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Martial Arts, Guiding animals

Notes:

Kasen is a mysterious self-proclaimed hermit living in the mountains. Possessing an artificial arm and various abilities, she can often be seen dispensing knowledge to Reimu and her friends.

She's has the ability to control animals, and her artificial right arm can be detached and controlled remotely, and is capable of crushing vengeful spirits.

Like Sukia, she's also one of the 'Four Devas of the Mountains'.

* * *

Name: **Ran Yakumo**

Race: Youkai (Kitsune)

Age: over 900 years

Occupation: Yukari's Shikigami

Eyes: Yellow

Hair: Blonde

Special Features: She has as fox ears and nine tails

Title: The Scheming Nine-Tailed Fox

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Black Magic, Mathematics, Shikigami Powers

Notes:

Ran Yakumo is Yukari's most trusted and strongest shikigami.

Since she is actually a fox that became a youkai (kitsune) and is a shikigami herself, it's highly unusual that Ran has a shikigami of her own.

Her nine tails, the highest number of tails a kitsune can have, are a clear sign of Ran's power and experience. Her intellect has been compared to that of a computer, since she's capable of rapidly processing multiple calculations at once and even calculating the width of the ever-changing Sanzu River.

* * *

Name: **Chen**

Race: Youkai (Nekomata)

Age: approx. 30 years

Occupation: Ran's Shikigami

Eyes: Orange

Hair: Brown

Special Features: She has cat ears and two tails

Title: Black Cat of Bad Omens

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Black Magic, Transformation into a two-tailed cat, Shikigami Powers

Notes:

Chen is Ran's shikigami and by extension, Yukari's as well. This makes her a 'shikigami of a shikigami'.

As one would expect from her appearance, she's quite childish and cat-like in her behavior.

She also HATES water, which actually makes her weaker.

* * *

**Additional Information**

**Angels:**

Angels do appear in 'Highly Responsive to Prayers' and 'Story of Eastern Wonderland', the first and second game of the Touhou Project franchise. But with the begin of the windows era and the sixth game, 'Embodiment of Scarlet Devil', all PC-98 games (1-5) were declared non-canon.

**Netherworld:**

The Netherworld (Meikai, lit. 'Gloomy World') is the land where ghosts reside after death. Apparently it's a distinct part of Gensokyo, but is separated from the land of the living by a strong barrier (created by Yukari).

**Hakugyokurou:**

The Hakugyokurou (lit. 'Tower of White Jade') is a ghost shrine overlooking the Netherworld. It is well known among the afterlife realms for its cherry blossom gardens and many ghosts come to see them every spring.

Yuyuko Saigyouji is the lady of Hakugyokurou, and Youmu Konpaku acts as its gardener. The massive youkai cherry tree, the 'Saigyou Ayakashi', can also be found lying dormant in the gardens of Hakugyokurou.


	21. S1E16 - A Slightly Crueler Cruller

**Season 01 / Episode 16: A Slightly Crueler Cruller**

* * *

_(Note: A cruller is a pastry, and the French ones look like donuts)_

* * *

**The scene opened with... pink. A lot of pink.**

"Looks like Donut's replacement is here already. And a woman, to boot," Alice noted, smiling. "Finally having some female charm in this idiot army is a welcomed surprise."

"Wait, what about Tex? She's a girl, too," Aya asked, before someone put a hand on her shoulder. With a startled yelp, the tengu turned around, looking directly into a pair of cold, golden eyes.

Sanae gave her a smile, tilting her head. "Something wrong?" she asked sweetly, tightening her grip.

Aya gulped. "N-Nothing!"

"Can't wait to see Sarge's reaction to have a girl in his team," Marisa giggled, ignoring the drama next to her. "Judging him, the old man is probably gonna have an aneurism for Command sending someone without a dick!"

"I'm just surprised they even have pink armour in the first place," Reimu mused. "Guess there's just a limited number of red shades to choose from."

**"Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy, that I got the Blue Flag, they gave me my own colour armour!" the new arrival stated, walking up to Simmons and Grif.**

"Wait a sec! Oh holy shit, it's a guy!" Marisa exclaimed in surprise, looking at the screen in shock. "And that voice, isn't that...?"

"DONUT?!" they all shouted in sync.

"Out of all the freaking colours, he chose _pink,_" muttered Aya, perplexed. "And how is he out of the hospital already?"

"You know, we probably should have seen that coming," Reimu groaned. "Him suddenly wearing pink makes just as much sense as all the other crap in that canyon."

"Maybe he just likes pink-frosted donuts_,_" Sanae quipped, not really bothered by the new development.

The others giggled.

"He could have done worse," Alice finally shrugged. "Pink is actually a very nice choice, all things considered. It goes well with practically anything."

"Pink is the new black," they all said in unison, agreeing that a real man can wear pink.

**Grif and Simmons silently exchanged glances.**

"Looks like they think differently," Aya joked.

**"Uh, hey Donut?" Grif began hesitantly.**

**"What?" Donut asked innocently.**

**"Um, about your armour...," Simmons continued.**

**"What about it?"**

**"How do I put this? Your armour is, um... it's a little, um... Grif, uh, you wanna help me out here?"**

**"It's pink! Your armour is freakin' pink!" Grif explained bluntly.**

**"Yeah, that's it. Pink..."**

"Guess it's a bit uncomfortable for some men," Alice admitted. "Can't blame those two for feeling uneasy, social norms can be stupid."

"Bet they're just afraid that they can't pull of the pink armour as well as Donut," Marisa laughed.

**"Pink?! My armour's not pink!" Donut insisted.**

"Wait, he didn't even realize he's wearing pink?" Reimu sweat-dropped.

"Yeah, Donut fits right in. He's an idiot as well," Alice shook her head.

"So he didn't choose his armour after all," Sanae mused.

**"Pink," Grif rebutted simply.**

**"Yeah, definitely pink," Simmons agreed.**

"Awkward~," Marisa and Aya sung, fist-bumping.

**"You guys are colour-blind. Why would they give me pink armour?"**

"The higher ups have a strange sense of humour?" Alice suggested.

"Maybe they gave it to him by mistake?" Sanae offered.

"Because they're all dicks and used this as an excuse to fuck with someone?" Reimu stated.

The others looked at the roof in contemplation, then at each other, and then nodded. They could definitely see this kind of thing happening.

**"Hey, don't ask, don't tell," Grif replied before laughing.**

**Simmons struggled to suppress his own chuckles. "That's not funny," he insisted.**

**"It's a little funny," Grif disagreed.**

"Is that a gay joke?" asked Alice, furrowing her forehead.

"Yes, it is. The Outside World is still a little prejudiced when it comes to stuff like this," Sanae explained. "Though there has been a lot of progress during the recent years."

Silence.

"That's stupid," Marisa voiced everyone's thoughts.

"Maybe we're a little biased when it comes to stuff like this," Aya shrugged. "With the male-female ratio in Gensokyo, girls don't really have a choice unless they're willing to share."

"I don't think there's a single woman here who's completely straight," Alice agreed.

"True," Reimu smirked, remembering the commotion at the village's only school when she went shopping yesterday.

* * *

\- Yesterday -

"THAT IS NOT A MAGAZINE ABOUT BUNNIES!"

"Wah, that are a lot of boobies," a little girl awed, holding up the magazine.

Keine Kamishirasawa grasped the offending object from her hands.

"WHO GAVE THIS TO YOU?!"

"The funny fire lady left it on your desk. She said you might like it."

"MOKOUUUU!"

* * *

**"Look at it, it's not pink. It's like, uh... a lightish-red," Donut tried to counter.**

**"Guess what? They already have a colour for lightish-red. You know what's it called? 'Pink'," Grif replied with finality.**

**"I hate you guys."**

**Sarge and Lopez arrived at the top of the base as well.**

**"Well hello, dirtbags," Sarge greeted them, before turning around to Donut. "And a fine hello to you, madam."**

"Well, at least he can be proper to a lady," giggled Alice.

**"It's light-red!"**

"This is going to go on for a while, isn't it?" Reimu groaned.

"Looks like it," Marisa confirmed with a smirk.

**"Don't get your panties in a wad there, Barbie. Do you have a package for me?"**

**"Yes, sir."**

**"Excellent."**

**"They said this speech unit should work with Lopez," Donut said, pulling out a strange glowing device.**

**"_'_Speech unit'_?_" Grif echoed.  
**

Everyone looked at Sanae.

"If I had to guess, it's a device that allows machines to speak," she offered with a helpless shrug.

**"Here you go," Donut said as he handed it over to Sarge.**

"But why would Lopez need one?" Reimu asked in confusion, before blinking in realization.

**"Affirmative," Sarge replied as he walked up to Lopez. "Command was fresh out of speech modules when I started building Lopez, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to."**

"Wait, he built Lopez?!" Alice exclaimed in shock, her eyes bulging. "Does that mean-?"

**"... No offense, Simmons," he added.**

**"Oh, don't worry. I know who you meant, sir," Simmons replied offhandedly.**

**"Wait a second, Lopez is a robot?!"**

The girls were just as surprised as Grif.

"Oh poo," Aya grumbled, crossing her arms.

"So he's like this big golem Nitori built a while ago?" asked Marisa, mouth wide open in awe.

"Looks like it," Alice muttered silently. "Sarge of all people actually built a robot. He's more capable than I thought."

**"Of course he is. You didn't notice that he never talks?"**

**"I just thought he was a really quiet guy."**

"So that's why he never talked," Sanae mumbled.

**"And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?"**

**"Well, I-I did think the motor oil thing was a bit odd. I-I just thought he was trying to impress me."**

"Why would you even think anyone would bother to impress you?" Alice snarked.

"More importantly, why would Lopez need to drink oil of all things?" asked Marisa.

**"Hey, sir. You really should ground yourself before handling that card," Simmons warned.**

**"How come?"**

**"Because static could damage the card."**

"Electronic devices can be very sensitive," Sanae explained.

**"Come on. That's an urban legend they use to sell those stupid bracelets," Sarge replied before holding the device at Lopez's back. Grif and Simmons exchanged a worried glance.**

**"And I suppose Pop Rocks and soda's gonna make my stomach blow up!"**

**Just then, an electrical current shot all over Lopez.**

**"YOW!" Sarge cried out in pain as he stepped back.**

"Don't challenge fate, dude," Marisa laughed at his misfortune.

"Wait, their armour can block bullets and point-black explosions, but a little static is too much for it to handle?" asked Aya in confusion.

The others shrugged.

**"Sir. I won't say 'I told you so', sir," Simmons said quickly.**

"I would've," Reimu grinned.

**"Good. I'd hate to make Strawberry Shortcake here my new favourite private."**

**"It's not pink! It's lightish-red!" Donut vehemently insisted.**

The girls rolled their eyes.

* * *

**The scene changed to the Blue Base, with Tex and Church standing on the roof, while Tucker and a still soot-covered Caboose were in the front of the base.**

**"Man," Caboose panted, exhausted. "Y-You know this stuff does not come off easy?"**

**"Yeah, this was a lot easier when we were cleaning just my armour."**

**"Yeah, I know, that-that's I think because, you know, uh, you didn't do anything," Caboose snapped at Tucker.**

"Lazy ass," Reimu muttered, giving the fair-haired witch next her sideway glance.

Marisa stayed unaware of it.

**"I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team-killing," Tucker shot back.**

"SICK BURN!" Marisa and Aya shouted.

**Caboose let out a loud, obviously forced and fake laugh. After a few seconds he cut himself off. "Don't make me mad," he threatened.**

Sanae shuddered slightly. "That sounded so wrong."

"Looks like Caboose can be just as scary as San-chan," Marisa whispered, earning a few faint nods in response.

* * *

**\- Back at the Red Base. -**

**"So what happened to me, anyway?" Donut asked. "I recall something about a spider on my head?"**

**"Right. That was a grenade," Grif clarified.**

**"And the last thing I remember is a loud bang, and then Simmons fainting-"**

**"Ha! Told you so!"**

**"I did not faint!"**

"Turnabout is fair play, deal with it," Aya mocked.

**"Done and done," Sarge announced before taking a step back. "Lopez, activate speech unit."**

The girls leaned forward.

There was an audible click and then...

**["Buenos días. Y la gracias da por activar mi función del discurso. Soy el numero de modelo cero uno cero uno uno tres quatro ocho ocho dos tres,"] came a deep and yet monotone voice.**

Everyone blinked.

**"Am I the only one not understanding any of this?" Donut asked while Lopez was still talking.**

"Am I the only one not understanding any of this?" Marisa asked at the same time Donut did. She then blinked. "Huh. Freaky."

"Sounds like the speech unit was damaged from the static after all," Sanae stated. "Does anyone understand what he's saying?"

**["Me llamo es Lopez."]**

**"Lopez! He just said 'Lopez'!" Grif exclaimed. "I understood that! I can speak Spanish!"**

**"Lopez – Speak – English," Sarge ordered, stressing each word.**

Reimu blinked. "I just realized that I can understand them perfectly without ever learning English."

"Wait, you can't speak English?" Alice asked in confusion.

"Of course not, why would I?" Reimu responded. "Wait, can you?"

"Of course, most spell books are written in either in English or Latin."

"That's how I learned it, too," Marisa added.

"I had English lessons back at school," Sanae chimed in.

"It's a necessary skill for any newsgirl worth her salt," Aya added.

Silence.

"Yukari?"

"Yukari."

**["Me procesador Ingles tiene malfunctioned. Se habla solamente Español."]**

**"Huh... I think you shorted out his speech unit with that static, sir."**

"Called it!"

**"Maybe Princess Peach here picked up the wrong model."**

**"Seriously, dude. For the last time: not pink."**

"Stop whining, just accept it," Reimu groaned.

**"Lopez. I order you to speak a language we understand!"**

"Why don't you yell a bit louder? I'm sure that would help," Alice mocked.

**["Negativo,"] Lopez replied simply.**

**"Well this is just dandy. Lopez... How - Do - We - Fix - Your - Speech - U - Nit?" Sarge asked, stressing every syllable.**

**"Why are you talking so slow? He understands us just fine. Maybe you should try listening slower," Grif suggested mockingly.**

"Just my thoughts," the puppeteer laughed.

**"Lopez, would you like to shoot Grif?"**

**["Si, señor. Gracias,"] Lopez replied, raising his pistol as the screen went black.**

"Yeah, Lopez was definitely built by Sarge," Marisa laughed as well.

**"No. stop! Uh, alto, alto!"**

**"Alto means 'tall', you dumbass."**

**"Then why do they put it on stop signs?"**

* * *

**\- Naughty Princess -**

"Freeze!"

Kaguya Houraisan, the Exiled Moon Princess, stopped dead in her tracks and slowly turned around.

Standing right behind her were several of the rouge soldiers of Charon Industries, pointing their guns at her threateningly.

"Looks like we hit the jackpot," one of them laughed arrogantly, reaching for the hand cuffs on his hip. "The chairman promised us a small fortune for catching one of you freaks."

Kaguya stared silently at the soldiers, pondering what to do next. Agent Carolina and Epsilon warned her from walking away from the camp alone, since there were still enemy soldiers roaming around. Seemingly those guys have been a nuisance for them and the others for quite some time...

She smirked. Time for some payback in behalf of her new friends.

"Hey, do you guys want to see a magic trick?"

The thugs glared at her. "Does it involve raising your hands in the air and slowly walking over to us?"

Kaguya simply shook her head. She pulled out one of the high-powered grenades she got from Donut, pulled the pin, let the hammer open, stuck the lethal contraption into her mouth and swallowed it whole.

Silence.

The mercenary with the cuffs clapped his hands in a mocking manner. "Wow, impressive. You just slugged down a dummy grenade. Looks like you're quite experienced with swallowing huge-"

*KABOOM*

* * *

\- 5 Minutes later -

Felix glanced up from rock he was currently sitting on, whirling one of his trademark knifes in his hands. "Hey, what was all that noise abou-"

He did a double take as he looked at the slowly approaching group. They were literally soaked in blood and littered with random flecks of skin, muscle, bone and cloth.

"What the fuck happened to you?!"

In answer, the thug in front handed him a HEAD.

Felix starred at it in shock. He's seen a lot of mutilated corpses in his career, but even he couldn't help but feel a cold shiver running down his back as he looked at the smiling head in his palms, blood still running down her mouth and closed eyes.

Suddenly, the eyes shot open, boring deeply into his own. The blood and assorted viscera suddenly seemed to develop a mind on their own as they fled from the mercenaries' bodies like water from oil and congregated in the centre of the group.

The pool made out of shredded human reached forward and picked up the head from Felix's shaking hands.

"'Sup?" Kaguya greeted them with a deep, eldritch voice.

"AAAAAAAAAARGH!"

* * *

\- Shortly after -

Carolina sprinted into the clearing, her rifle at the ready, before she came to a sudden stop in front of Kaguya's remains.

Silence.

Epsilon appeared on her right shoulder, looking down at the bloody mess in front of them.

"... I was never so glad to NOT have a stomach anymore."

"Hi," Kaguya smiled at them, a disembodied hand lying in the pool next her waved at the former Freelancer and her A.I. companion.

Carolina and Epsilon looked at each other silently, before starring down on her again.

Kaguya blushed slightly.

Finally, Carolina sighed. "We heard a loud bang," she started, holstering her rifle. "So we decided to go looking for you."

"And then we saw Felix and his gang running away screaming blood murder like the bunch of pussies they are," Epsilon chimed in, disappearing and reappearing next to Kagura, hovering over the bloody ground.

"That was probably my fault," she smiled at him. "Looks like they didn't enjoy my magic trick."

Epsilon chuckled.

"... If that was an attempt to be intimidating, it worked very well," Carolina smirked beneath her visor. "That aside... are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah, no offense, but that doesn't look healthy. At all," Epsilon agreed, now standing on top of her head.

The mass of former human bristled happily. "Don't worry, I'm basically unkillable: you can blow me up, burn me to ashes or even disintegrate me on a sub-atomic level, I will still return to life."

"Impressive, but I didn't ask for the full résumé of your power," Carolina gulped down hard. "If you're fine, can you turn back to normal then? I have to admit, looking at you is... well..."

"I think the word you're looking for is 'disturbing'," Epsilon blinked back to her shoulder.

"Yeah, that."

"Thank you!" Kaguya smiled sweetly, taking that as a success on her part. "I do need a favour though. Could you go back to the camp and get Eirin and Reisen before I reform the rest of my body?"

"... Why?"

"I can reform my organs, re-attach limbs, but I can't... do... clothes."

...

...

...

Awkward silence is awkward.

Kaguya gave them a sheepish grin. "I need those two to bring me a fresh set of clothes from my belongings. Also, could you stand guard with them while I get dressed, please?"

Carolina and Epsilon stared at the moon princess.

"In hindsight, maybe this wasn't my best idea. Well 20/20 and all that."

The A.I. groaned. "I'm gonna distract Tucker."

"And I'll protect your... modesty," Carolina deadpanned.

"Thank you!"

* * *

**Character Introduction**

Name: **Keine Kamishirasawa**

Race: Half Human, Half Youkai (Hakutaku)

Age: approx. 80 years

Occupation: School History Teacher, Guardian of the Human Village

Eyes: Human - Brown / Hakutaku - Red

Hair: Human - silver / Hakutaku - Green

Special Features: When in hakutaku form, she has two horns at the sides of her head and a tail

Title: Half-Beast of Knowledge and History

Special Abilities: Danmaku, in human form she can consume (hide) history, in hakutaku form she can create and change history

Notes:

As a half-youkai, she can transform every full moon to her hakutaku form (hakutaku are spiritual beasts often depicted as lions with horns). She acts as the guardian of the human village and teacher of the local school.

Her ability to hide and create history is as OP as it sounds, but doesn't actually change history itself. It's more like an illusion that affects reality itself. By hiding the history of the Human Village, she can conceal it from normal run-of-the-mill youkai, but anyone strong enough (like Yukari) can see past her powers.

She's also a long-time friend of Mokou.

* * *

Name: **Nitori Kawashiro**

Race: Youkai (Kappa)

Age: unknown

Occupation: Engineer

Eyes: Blue

Hair: Blue

Special Features: Never without her backpack and wrench

Title: Handyman of the River

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Engineering, Manipulation of Water

Notes:

Nitori Kawashiro is a very shy kappa who lives on the Youkai Mountain. In fact, the first time she saw Reimu, she ran off with barely a word. She actually likes humans, but just doesn't seem to know how to act around them.

As an engineer she is very interested in products made by the humans of the Outside World. She takes such products apart and puts them back together in order to understand them. However, she has trouble creating magical tools of any sort. She is fond of selling her inventions.

* * *

Name:** Reisen Udonge Inaba**

Race: Moon Rabbit

Age: 38 (Lunar) / 262.435 (Earth)

Occupation: Kaguya's Pet, Eirin's Student, Medicine Seller

Eyes: Red

Hair: Violet

Special Features: Two white rabbit ears an top of her head

Title: Lunatic Red Eyes

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Lunacy-inducing Eyes, Telepathy with other Moon Rabbits, Manipulation of Wavelengths, Manipulation of Madness

Notes:

Reisen Udongein Inaba was originally one of the legendary lunar rabbits, but she fled from the moon to earth as a refugee from the 'Lunar War' between the two worlds that began in 1969 A.D. after the Apollo 11 'invasion'. Making her way to Gensokyo she was surprised to meet the notorious fugitives Kaguya and Eirin, and asked for asylum in Eientei. In exchange, she works for and protects Kaguya and Eirin.  
Reisen's power of insanity comes from her eyes: she uses them to refract and twist waves, disorienting and confusing her victims and deceiving them with frightening illusions.

Perhaps ironically given her insanity-inducing powers, Reisen seems to have one of the more stable and balanced personalities in Gensokyo.


	22. Announcement Update

I'm currently extremely busy with life, but updates will come once I finally have more free time.

For the time being, here's a little compensation for the long wait:

* * *

How Tenshi became M

\- Scarlet Weather Rhapsody – Heaven, in front of the palace -

"Hmph, this is all a game to you, huh. Regardless of how your plan works, you're obviously the one who caused the earthquake. Whether you're a celestial or just some weirdo, my job is simple," Reimu took a dramatic pose, her talismans at the ready. "All I have to do is take you down! And after that, I'm going to make you fix my shrine!"

"Go Reimu! Kick her ass!" cheered Marisa, giving her a thumbs up.

"Do your best!" Youmo and Alice voiced their support.

"What they said," Sakuya added as well.

"A scope!" Aya grinned, notepad at the ready.

"Do your best~," Yukari giggled, sitting on a gap of hers.

"I'm tired...," Komachi yawned, leaning on her scythe.

Iku just sighed tiredly.

"Ufufu. Good, good! That's the enthusiasm I was looking for!" the Celestial of Heaven, Tenshi Hinanai, laughed. "I don't want to go on living the boring life of a celestial forever. That ends today! The weather in the sky, the stability of the earth, and the hearts of man are all in the palm of my hand. Show me the weather with which you defeated so many youkai!"

"Here I go! _Dream Land 'Great Duplex Ba-'_" Reimu's words died in her throat. The crowd behind her let out a few surprised gasps and started murmuring. Oh no! What is he doing here? It's dangerous!

"_Keystone 'Sky's Spiritual Sto-'_" Tenshi stopped mid-sentence when she noticed that no one was paying attention to her anymore. Turning left and right in confusion, she finally looked in the same direction as the others, noticing a large figure in grey armour with yellow highlights walking up to her.

"... Who's that?" she asked, perplexed.

Washington stopped in front of the little Celestial, looking down on her, his hands firmly positioned on his hips.

"... What do you want?" Tenshi grunted in annoyance. "I'm currently in the middle of some-"

Her sentence was cut off when Washington's hand suddenly shot forward and grabbed her by the ear. "Ow! Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing?!"

Washington heard none of it and pulled Tenshi along with him to a conveniently nearby placed bench.

"Hey! Cut it out you-!"

Before Tenshi could do something, Washington had sat down and with a few swift motions, he pulled her closer and over his knees. Her hands and feet were now dangling above the ground, while her butt was wiggling wildly in the air.

"Let go of me at once you stupid fuck, or I will-!"

Still ignoring her complaints, Wash raised his right hand over her hip… and pulled her skirt down, revealing her 'peach' ass to the world.

"H-hey! What are you-?!"

*SMACK*

At once everyone went silent, the only sound being the howling wind and the rustling of clothes. Tenshi's eyes opened even wider in shock.

"Did... did he just...," Reimu whispered before there was another smack.

*SMACK*

"H-how dare you!" Tenshi screeched. "How dare you to-!"

*SMACK*

Washington paid no attention to what Tenshi was saying and instead delivered another painful smack on her bare butt.

*SMACK*

"Ow! Stop that!"

*SMACK*

"You insufferable ass! Let me go at-!"

*SMACK*

Reimu couldn't believe what she was seeing. Washington had pulled Tenshi on his lap... and was giving her a spanking. A few strands of hair sprung from her head at the sheer absurdity.

*SMACK*

"Ow! This is not how you treat a-!"

*SMACK*

"I WILL MAKE SURE YOU SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN AGO-!"

...

\- Pause -

...

...

*SMACK*

No matter how much Tenshi squirmed, it seemed that Washington had a good grip on her, and wasn't planning to let her go. Her limbs flailed helplessly in the air as the former Freelancer administered one painful spank after another. She tried to pull herself out of his grip, biting and kick Washington's leg, but it had no effect on him. Every time she tried to concentrate for a spell, it was broken when his hand connected with her ass.

*SMACK*

"Let me go!" Tenshi screeched in rage, only for it to fall on deaf ears.

*SMACK*

Reimu had to admit that she found what was happening in front of her eyes to be very cathartic. After everything that happened since the destruction of her shrine, the fights against Komachi, Iku and the others, her journey to the Youkai Mountain and finally Heaven... Washington just walked in and started spanking her. Like a naughty child who had refused to behave after repeatedly being told to. The only thing preventing her from bursting into manic laughter was the knowledge that Tenshi was still a powerful Celestial, and what she could do to Wash once she broke free.

Not that there seemed to be much of a danger anymore.

*SMACK*

"Let go! Let go! Let go!"

*SMACK*

"Please let me go!"

*SMACK*

Reimu turned to look around at what kind of reactions the others had. Marisa had pulled her hat in front of her eyes, and she could hear her mutter something about 'Not being the one this time'. Youmu looked like she was about to faint, a small blush was colouring her cheeks. Alice was the same, but it was a surprise to see that Sakuya was blushing even more than the other two. Her eyes were constantly darting around, as if not sure if she wanted to see what was happening to Tenshi or not, before snapping back to her with each smack. Komachi looked like she didn't know if she wanted to burst in to ravenous laughter or feel pity towards the little Celestial. Iku was simply shaking her head. Aya was absentmindedly taking pictures, gulping at the scene in front of them. Yukari had a bemused look on her face. Looks like even she wasn't expecting things to turn out like this...

Then again, who did?

*SMACK*

"P-please let me go!"

*SMACK*

"I'M SOHOHOHORRYYYYYYYYYY," Tenshi finally wailed and started to sob.

Her breakdown actually caused Wash to stop, weakly waving his right hand. It probably stung, but definitely not as badly as what Tenshi was going through, if the wails were of any indication.

"Now's my chance!" Reimu quickly walked over to Washington and Tenshi, the latter of whom was still bawling. "Uhh… Tenshi?"

The blue-haired girl switched from crying to sobbing as she turned to look at the shrine maiden.

"Promise to repair my shrine and to apologize to everyone, and I'll make sure to tell Wash to stop and let you go. You don't want him to start again, do you?"

Her words hit like sledgehammer, and Tenshi's eyes widened in horror. She nodded rapidly, tears and snot flying in all directions.

Reimu sighed. "Wash? It's okay, you can let her go now."

Washington turned to look at her and tilted his head. Reimu nodded to him, and he let go of Tenshi.

As soon as the girl felt him letting her go, she hopped off his lap, and made a beeline for the palace, not even bothering to fix her clothes. Unfortunately, it was directly away from gathered onlookers, and a chorus of hisses of sympathy could be heard from the crowd. While absolutely, 100% totally not meaning to take a look, Reimu also winced slightly. She could almost feel the heat radiating from Tenshi's butt. The red of her hakama was nothing in comparison! There was a loud slam as Tenshi shut the doors when she entered the building. After a while, everyone could hear something heavy being dragged in front of the door.

...

...

...

"You're welcome," Washington grunted, before walking away, the others quickly giving him a wide berth, discretely covering their own behinds.

...

"Ahahaha...," Reimu chuckled weakly. "The day is saved, hurray!"

* * *

At that time, no one could know what they had unleashed...


End file.
